"All I can think of these days is how to escape the next blast from her enormous winking anus."
'Ken Barlow came out of the TV set and grabbed me around the neck. His eyes were burning with an intense, pink fire'.
'There's a guy in my office who's always got birds swarming round him, and I've heard on the grapevine that he's a homosexual.'
'Her other kids are called Scrooge, Rumplestiltskin, Black Beauty and Thomas the Tank Engine.'
I was doing a bit of weeding in the garden this weekend, and as I was crouching by the fence, I realised I could overhear the conversation of our next door neighbours.
My boyfriend of 3 weeks has just asked me to marry him. Even though I still don't know his middle name, and I've only seen his pee-pee once.
I've developed a really embarrassing problem related to my anal region.
'Now my beard has grown in thick and full, I reckon I look fine but my husband doesn't agree.'
'The fat girl in our class, Frances Hall, is always good to have around due to her superior strength and ability to block doorways.'
One of my so-called 'friends' has apparently been slagging me off on Facebook and Twitter and I'm not willing to let her get away with it.
'I'm going to have to find someone else to impregnate me with the next messiah and commence the decimation of the human race'.
Last weekend I was doing something I shouldn't with an unknown gentleman in a nightclub toilet when we were unexpectedly interrupted by my sister-in-law.