Agony Aunt

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I am really worried about my youngest son. He's only 15 but I think him and his friends might be drinking alcohol and smoking wacky cigarettes. He used to be such a darling boy, who took a keen interest in sport, as well as being a popular and active younger member of our church...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Money is really tight at the moment, due to the credit crunch, and I was hoping you could offer me some tips to save money. Once I've paid my Sky subscription, stocked up on fags, and paid for my 20 lines on the National Lottery, there’s barely any cash left for other essentials, like the weekly payments on my plasma TV...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I have a female colleague at work who is really ambitious and competitive. It's getting close to the point where I'm going to staple her eyelids to the desk, set fire to her hair, and forcibly insert a filing cabinet into her anus...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
While my married friends spend their weekends dripping with wholesomeness in the park or leaping around with a beachball at a sickeningly harmonious family picnic, I am to be found alone in my dark, squalid little flat, attempting to lure unsuspecting bachelors inside in the desperate hope of snaring one as a husband forever...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Last weekend I was on a night out with the girls to celebrate my 36th birthday. Clad arse to tit in neon lycra, I must have cast a highly alluring shadow across the dancefloor as I limboed to Britney Spears, because next thing I knew, I was on all fours behind a skip...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I have been married to my husband for over 6 years, and we have three children together. The trouble is that for a while now I've been having sexual feelings about other women and I'm not sure what this means...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I've been married to my wife for nearly twenty years and we have two wonderful children together.
Regrettably, I seem to have accidentally had sex with a woman at work and I am worried my wife might find out...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I have never been particularly thin, but recently I was told by my doctor that I'm clinically obese and I am beginning to think I should try to lose some weight. The problem is I'd much rather sit in an armchair and scoff enough Domino's pizza to feed a family of five than subject myself to the humiliation and trauma of exercise...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Since the birth of my first child, I have developed a rather intimate and embarrassing problem, and I am too ashamed to visit the doctor. Before I fell pregnant I was vaguely aware that having a baby might have some physical side-effects, but it seems that squeezing out a head and shoulders has seriously knackered my flaps...

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I am feeling depressed just now as I really hate my job. I've been working there for over 2 years but I've never really enjoyed it, and my colleagues are all back-stabbing arseholes. Recently, I've found myself calling in sick on a regular basis, taking solace in masturbating on the couch to Jeremy Kyle and eating entire multi-packs of crisps before 3pm. The thought of going back to work the next day makes me almost suicidal. I can't bear it any longer! Can you help?

Your Problems Solved

BY PETULA SOUL 
Britain's most insightful agony aunt.

Dear Petula,
I have been married for 15 years and so still have ten years to go before I can divorce my husband and get the house mortgage-free. At the start of our relationship we had an active and healthy sex life but thankfully, since the kids were born, he has found it increasingly hard to maintain himself in an upright position for take-off and landing. Up until recently I was perfectly happy with this situation, but now one of my boyfriends has got a job on the rigs while another has signed up as a long-distance lorry driver. If I can’t pick-up anyone down the pub I sometimes have to go for two or three days without sex.

Your Problems Solved

BY PETULA SOUL 
Britain's most insightful agony aunt.

Dear Petula,
I’m married and have a baby but I have been attracted to this man at work for a few years. I believe he is attracted to me too because every time I go into his office he points at his genitals and makes grunting noises. I really don’t want to break my marriage vows but I also have a strong urge to lock crotches with this hunk and swap some gravy. Are there any days on which my vows do not apply? Or any places? I read once that vegetarians are allowed to eat meat as long as it’s in an in-flight meal. Obviously I will break them if I have to.
Faithful,
Farringdon