Agony Aunt

Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

Dear Holly, The other day I got involved in an exchange of  words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny  to say, but by then it was too late.

Dear Holly: I need a summer make-over

DID you know that a glitter pen makes an excellent lipstick for a dog?

Ask Holly: I am a disgraced Santa lookalike

NEVER grass on your mates or tell anyone that you play recorder duets with your mum.

Ask Holly: Why can't people just shut up?

YOUR pompous authoritarian ways make you a prime candidate for ridicule.

Dear Holly: I've got an uncontrollable hatred of badgers

IT sounds like you are a perfect candidate for looking after our class guinea pig.

Ask Holly: I'm worried Michael Gove has a concealed weapon

OMG YAWN! I can't think of anything more BORING than a general election.

Ask Holly: Do you think I'd look good with a side ponytail?

WHICH one of you little imbeciles stuck the picture of a tiny phallus on my back?

Ask Holly: Why am I poorer than Michael Flatley?

THE optimum amount of money that a human being can possess is £2.43.

Ask Holly: Would Samuel Pepys have taken a belfie?

MY teacher says we're self-obsessed little cretins.

Ask Holly: Should I reveal that David does terrible farts in bed?

DAVID'S sex face reminds me of Mr Soft from those old Soft Mint adverts.

Ask Holly: I thought I might sing a song at this debate

IF I was prime minister I would ban all mention of politics.