Your Problems Solved

Petula says: Dear Hurt,

It’s never easy to tell if someone’s husband is a love rat from a letter, but there again show me one who isn’t. The bastards. I can understand your husband not being interested in a threesome, they are a bit gay and very common. I hear the Duke of Edinburgh won't have anything to do with them anymore. You never know who's going to be going at the other end, he says. Probably a footballer. Nevertheless, if your husband can’t even be bothered to hop in a cab when you call and ask him to pop down the pub and clean out your gutters on a weekday evening then I do fear something is seriously wrong. It’s not like you are demanding anything weird like a cuddle on the sofa or a foot rub and a massage. You could try sitting down and talking the situation through, telling him calmly how hurt you feel by his rejection and listening carefully to his responses to work out a way forward on which you can both agree. Or you could smash him in the nadgers with a baseball bat and tell him to start pitching, or get off the plate.

Let Petula solve your problems. Email your questions to [email protected]

Previously on Petula Soul:

I have just embarked on an affair with a colleague at work. We meet everyday in the stationery cupboard for a Cup-a-Soup® and a quick knee trembler. After a while I became convinced that he was just using me for sex but now I am worried it is developing into more than just lust. Last time we met he threatened to tell my boyfriend that we were having an affair, unless I finished with the other man and spent more time with him. I am now worried that he might tell my husband about us too. To be honest I am not so bothered about that but if I have to go through a very public divorce it’s bound to upset my lesbian girlfriend. I picked up a bloke in a nightclub last night to try and discuss the whole thing sensibly with him but just ended up having it off by the dustbins behind the club as usual and then going home on the bus. Do you think I should finish with my work colleague? I would miss the sex during the day.

Ashlee,
Aylesbury

Petula says: Dear Ashlee,
As a professional Agony Aunt I am often confronted with situations that would strike the normal person as bizarre, if not downright perverse. So it’s always nice to get to a relatively straightforward letter from someone like yourself. Of course you should not finish with your colleague, or not until you have found someone else anyway. No married woman I know goes a whole work day without dropping them for some stray bloke or other, why should you be any different? One thing does concern me about your letter. You say you have sex at work everyday and you have a husband, a boyfriend, a lesbian lover and you pick up men on the way home at night; yet you only have a Cup-a-Soup® at lunchtimes. I would have thought a Pot Noodle™ the absolute minimum. You don't want to end up wearing yourself out! Happy hunting.

 

I am almost completely flat chested and it’s ruining my life. I am so ashamed of my body that I can no longer do anything that involves a communal changing room, like swimming or other sport. I just can’t stand it when everyone takes their tops off and I am surrounded by huge, voluptuous, swinging breasts while all I have is a pair of fried eggs. It’s got so bad I have had to give up football. Is it an age thing? All my pals only seem to have blossomed in the last few years. Do you think mine will start growing soon? I’m 42. My wife says I have nothing to worry about and that I look fine but I just want to be one of the lads again.
Eggy,
Eaglesham.

Petula says: Dear Eggy,
What a lot of fuss over nothing, especially in your case. My postbag these days is bulging with letters from men worrying about the size of their breasts. Most weeks I get two huge sacks dumped on the desk in front of me. It reminds me a bit of Mr Soul, heaving away on top of me with his huge knockers see-sawing away like crazy. Not only were they incredibly sexy, they also kept my ears warm during the cold winter nights. Anyway, I fully understand your concerns. Men with giant breasts are much more attractive than those with tiddlers. I don’t know if you’ve seen any photos of Jack Nicholson recently but in my opinion, and that of all my girlfriends, he has never looked better. What a pair of funbags! A lot of men think they will sprout huge melons naturally, not so. It takes a bit of work. You could try drinking more tap water, it’s packed full of lady hormones these days. Alternatively try massaging them every day with lager. If that does not work try dressing up as your wife and getting your GP to put you on the pill. That should do the trick.

 

I have been with my partner for four years now, and while we have spoken about marriage I am not sure about taking the plunge. I have discussed the situation with my other boyfriend, and a few fuck-buddies, and they say it is just nerves ahead of the wedding in May. But I think we should probably just get the whole thing over with as soon as we can. The thing is my fiancée owns his house outright and has a lot of money in savings. I am worried that he might, say, have a terrible accident in his car with his brakes failing unexpectedly while we are on holiday at a mountain resort in Italy next week and I have just asked him to nip down to the village at the bottom of the hill for a jar of pesto. Imagine then how bad I will feel when I open up the cupboard door to get out his will, which I always keep with me, and discover a jar in there all along. If it should happen like that.
Hannah,
Hampstead

Petula says: Dear Hannah,
The very fact that you have referred to the, admittedly unlikely, prospect of your fiancée being killed in a completely unexpected car accident after being sent out by you on a totally pointless errand suggests to me that you have already gone beyond girlfriend status and are committed and ready to become a wife, which, you may be pleased to learn, would mean you would pay no inheritance tax. However, there are a few questions to be answered. While many husbands suffer unexpected car accidents on Italian mountain resorts because of freak brake failure some manage to save the situation through skilful use of the gears. Have you considered sending him for the pesto after a couple of bottles of red? If I was you I would also suggest he drive very fast through a tunnel while wearing sunglasses on the remote chance that he will come out the other end temporarily blinded by the light and smash unexpectedly into a huge motorised shovel that will then push him and his car over the edge. These things happen you know.

My girlfriend loves me very much. However, she has put a total ban on hochmagandy because she says my kidney squasher is so huge she is scared of it. She is a virgin you see, so I suppose I can understand her fear. We have a lovely home life here in the farmhouse that I bought after the lottery win, and I love her two children from her previous relationships like my own. But does she really need a different sports car for everyday of the week? Anyway, I have to confess that the other night I really lost it. I was lying awake and my nads were about to explode. So when she rolled over on her side, and her breathing became slow and even, I nipped round the back and I was at it for fully a minute before I made the face like a Chinaman. Guess what? She never even woke up once, never mind scream out in agony! Perhaps she was just very relaxed. Lately she has taken to spending a lot of time with my friends chopper, donkey man and giant cock. How am I going to get her to conquer this irrational fear?
Button Knob,
Lincs.

Petula says: Dear Button,
Most women are revolted by the sight of a man’s genitals, and the bigger they are the more disgusting they appear. Personally I get more of a thrill out of knitting than I do out of having some goo splurging flesh rocket that looks like it belongs in a horror film ploughing away in my lady garden. I really did get quite a few very nice jumpers finished during the time Mr Soul was heaving away up there, before he left me for that skinny bitch at his office of course. So in my experience, it is the things that are attached to these cocks that are really revolting, not so much the cocks themselves. Having said all that your case does appear unusual. It’s not often I get letters from men called Button Knob complaining of such prick size related problems. Why not ask your friend giant cock for advice? Or just stand next to him at the urinals as he hauls his out like a hose as you dribble all over your own pants. I think your girlfriend is pulling your plonker, or would be if she could only get hold of it.

 

Is there anything I can do about the size of my penis? I’m 26 and my bum tickler is only six inches long when fully erect. I’ve tried pills in the past but they did not work. I’ve also tried hanging lead weights off it, but while this does provide me with an odd pleasurable sensation it has not done anything to increase the size of my beaver cleaver. I’m really embarrassed about this and it’s stopped me having sex for years now, even with myself. Please help.

Long John,
Silverlink.

Petula says: Dear John,
A lot of guys these days worry about their the size of their penises at all times, and with good reason. In the old days women tended to keep pretty quiet about hugely disappointing sexual encounters with men with tiddlers, often telling only ten or 20 of their closest friends that last night’s shag should be avoided as he was a premature ejaculating matchstick man. However, thanks to the internet such information can be spread much more rapidly among the sisterhood through the many love lance comparison websites that have recently sprung up, including my own favourite www.are-you-in-yet.com, which contains comprehensive size and performance listings for most men in Britain. Checking your last entry, if you could call it that, it would appear your voluntary abstinence is no great loss to womankind. According to Tracey Onions back in 2001 it was closer to four-and-a-half and she had hardly unwrapped her chips before you were finished and off out the alleyway. Have you got one of those special men rulers, or do you think the penis starts just above the knee for measuring purposes, like most blokes?

 

I HAVE been married for some years now and for a long time my husband and I had a very active sex life. In recent years things have cooled off a bit and now we make love around once a month, if I am lucky. However, on a bad month it can easily be double that. In the last few weeks my husband appears to have become totally disinterested in having sex with me at all. I am worried that he may be having an affair. What will happen if he’s getting loads outside the home and then she chucks him? He’ll be straight back here heaving away on top of me every night just like in the bad old days. What can I do?
Stressed,
Streatham.

Petula says: Dear Stressed,
Oh dear, this is a worrying development, and probably far worse than you realise. In my experience husbands who shag around tend to get a taste for it and will soon start humping anything that moves and quite a lot that doesn’t, including their wives. Perverts. If that’s the case you might well soon find yourself transfixed by the sight of his sweaty manboobs swaying from side to side as he heaves himself aboard you even if he is still getting it elsewhere as well. But what to do? You could try accusing him of having an affair but that is likely to backfire on two counts: either he will deny it and then put some extra effort into ploughing your lady garden to try and prove he’s not having it away with his secretary, or he’ll confess, dump her and try and make it up to you with a sexy weekend away. Either way it's going to be pretty dreadful for you. No, if I were you I would just ignore the whole thing, keep wearing the grey jogging bottoms with the stains on and the mismatching underwear and just let sleeping dogs lie. And if it’s any consolation I have told your husband to do the same.

 

I am a 47 year-old female and a virgin. I have recently been asked out on a date by a local dustman, which I am very much looking forward to. We are going to a local sausage convention, and then a display of champion cucumbers at the local farmers’ market, after which he has made it very clear that he expects sex of some sort. I am scared that an orgasm will kill me. So what I really want to know is, do you have any ideas for sandwiches for a first date?
Bewildered,
Staines.

Petula says: Dear Bewildered,
What a pickle you have got yourself into it over nothing. Of course your first time can be unnerving, especially given your age. I know mine was. But there are plenty of things you can do to ease the tension and make everything go smoothly on a first date. Use lots of margarine for starters to make sure your slice is not too dry. When it comes to sausages I would always recommend a chipolata over a Cumberland at this early stage. It's not as filling to start with, but you will thank me for it later. Avoid prize cucumbers at all costs, unless you peel them first. As for the sandwiches I would not worry about it too much. Men will eat anything. I know my ex-husband did. That's why I divorced him.

 

I am a 16 year-old lad and I think I am becoming confused about my sexuality, although I can’t say for sure. For some years now I have been binge-wanking over the ladies girdle section of my mum’s Freeman’s catalogue. However, while playing the fleshy clarinet with some gusto last week I turned the pages so quickly that, before I knew it, I had run out of ladies and so ‘accidentally’ loosed off my love porridge all over a man in some pale blue Y-fronts; and I was not sick afterwards. I also read the other day that chafing causes gayness, although it could be the other way around. Anyway, I have a small red patch at the top of my right leg. Am I gay, or are my trousers too tight for cycling?

Confused,
Cumbernauld.

Petula says: Dear Confused,
It is often said that most young men of your age will go through a phase at which they are unsure of their sexuality and fear they might turn out to be demented perverts. Utter rubbish! Most lads of your age are perfectly normal and healthy and have no interest in fiddling with the parts of their fellow men. Yuk. Indeed, even by your tender age a huge number are experienced lovers capable of showing the divorced older woman what she was missing all those years she spent murmuring words of encouragement to the now, thankfully departed, Mr Floppy. It should not be too hard to work out if you are a sexual deviant or not. Have you ever been to see the Wizard of Oz or the Sound of Music while wearing a dress? Do your hands flop forward at the wrist? Do you enjoy ball games? Do you like cock? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the above you are definitely a degenerate sex fiend, although you might just be a member of the local rugby team.

 

I love my boyfriends very much, but all is not well in the bedroom department. One of them suffers from premature ejaculation, three of them have problems sustaining an erection, while two more can’t even get it up in the first place. Another has the tiniest winkie I have ever seen and the other six are basically just crap in bed. In fact my husband is just about the only one who can get off the starting grid without going all floppy or spilling all his man chowder on the carpet. Unfortunately, he is away every other fortnight working on the rigs. What am I to do?

Frankly pissed off,
Farnham

Petula says: Dear Frankly,
What a sorry tale, and one that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase: two weeks on, two weeks off. Having said that I understand your frustration: there seems little point in having a stream of gentleman callers during your husband’s absence if not a single one of them can flame grill your fur burger, so to speak. But what to do? Instructing them all in the art of lovemaking would be terribly time consuming, but I would not advise getting them around for a group training session unless you put down some plastic sheeting first. I suppose you could try going without for a couple of weeks while hubby is away, but that does seem a pretty drastic option, and most definitely a last resort. I see you have limited yourself to 13 illicit lovers. Perhaps you are being a bit too picky. Play the field a bit more like any normal married woman and I am sure you’ll eventually come across one hunk who will really get your roast beef sizzling. Good luck! 

I have the most enormous cock. Everybody who sees it says it is the biggest one they have ever seen. Standing fully upright it is a good two foot long and of considerable girth. I know a lot of men would probably dream of having a cock this size but it is causing me nothing but misery. My girlfriend is terrified of it and runs off screaming every time she sees it. It has got so bad that she refuses to visit me anymore unless I promise her not to get it out. It also makes the most enormous racket every time it goes off, which can be at any time of the day or night. I am at my wits end. Can you help?
Sleepless,
Seton Sands

Petula says: Dear Sleepless,
I am not surprised your girlfriend is terrified of your large cock; not only is it huge but it also sounds as if it is completely out of control, and there is nothing more frightening to a girl then her boyfriend presenting her with an enormous and unruly cock. But don’t worry even the biggest and wildest cock can be tamed, if you know what to do. Put on some gentle mood music, light some candles and wait until the pair of you are completely naked and relaxed and only then get your cock out. Start stroking your cock to show your girlfriend how it’s done, and that it won’t bite. Once you have your cock completely under control let her have a go at stroking it as well. If all this fails just shoot the fucker, throw it in a ditch and buy her a rabbit instead.

 

I am a happily married woman of 40 who loves her husband of 20 years very much. We have an active and fulfilling sex life but for some time now my hubby Bob has been asking me if I would be interested in wife swapping. Personally it gave me the shivers but, because I love him dearly, I eventually gave in, and so my husband invited around our friends Jack and Laura for the night. We opened a bottle of wine, and one thing led to another until at the end of the night Bob swapped me for a complete set of 1970 Mexico World Cup medallions from Esso, a set of tumblers and 4,000 Embassy coupons. Is this right? I would have thought I was at least worth a decanter set.
Hurt,
Hull.

Petula says: Dear Hurt,
Most modern couples will try wife swapping occasionally, say once or twice a week after that first flush of passion has died down following their return from honeymoon. In most cases it is a perfectly harmless bit of fun. The sex will be rubbish, but it’s always reassuring to find out you are not the only person in the neighbourhood who still thinks artex ceilings are just the thing. On the other hand things do tend to get a bit complicated leading to intense hatred, divorce, stalking and murderous jealousy. But, as I always say, nothing ventured, nothing gained! Having seen the photograph you sent in with your letter I think your husband actually got a very good deal. Could you put him in touch? I have an old sofa I need to flog and I really need to raise some cash

 

I love my boyfriend very much but all is not well with our hoggins. Unfortunately he suffers from premature ejaculation. In fact he is so premature that even the thought of me in close connection with a bed is enough to make him loose off his love porridge. This is very distressing and embarrassing for both of us, particular when it takes place in Habitat. I do love him dearly but something must be done. Frankly, I am gagging for it.

Frustrated,
Edinburgh

Petula says: Dear Frustrated,
Premature ejaculation is surprisingly common among men. For some of us that is a blessing. Who wants a great big fat lump grunting away on top of you for hours after all? While pathetic, laughable, and, frankly, a bit yukky it is something that is relatively easy to deal with. Unfortunately your boyfriend’s case appears different. He is suffering from pre-premature ejaculation for which there is, as yet, no known cure. You could try listening to my premium rate phone line “Dealing with premature ejaculation” but I hold out little hope. I would just go straight to my premium rate phone line “Dealing with premature ejaculators” which gives straightforward advice on how to bin such pathetic specimens and get yourself a real man. Happy hunting!

 

My fiancé of six months asked me about my sexual history and preferences. But when I told him about the guys I had slept with and what I like to do in bed he went completely nuts. It is true that I have enjoyed a healthy love life in the past and have indulged in hoggins with a great number of men, often at the same time. I have a healthy and open attitude to sex and expect the same of others, but it is clear that my fiancé does not. He seemed particularly annoyed when I told him about my threesome with his dad and brother last week. How was I to know they had not already told him?

Dumped,
Dundee.

Petula says: Dear Dumped,
How typical! Like most men, it would appear your fiancé is only really interested in marrying a virgin possessed of some magical innate ability to perform the perfect blow job. But as we all know learning how to perform fantastic oral sex requires a great deal of practice, and that is why I have never bothered. Yuk. It seems like your now ex-fiancé is a standard insecure and selfish bloke. He asks you what you like to do in bed not because he wants to learn how to please you, but because he wants you to tell him ‘he’s the best’. And when he finds out you actually prefer a bit of a roasting with his nearest relations he gets all huffy, rather than asking if he can join in. You are better off without him. Why not marry his dad, and just shag him on the side instead?

 

I love my boyfriend very much but all is not well in the bedroom department as he is finding it increasingly difficult to maintain himself in an upright position during take-off and landing, so to speak. He says he feels his performance is constantly under scrutiny and that he is intimidated by my greater sexual experience. I have told him he has nothing to worry about and that, on his day, he is the equal of any of the blokes I shag at work. But still his problem persists. How can I put his mind at rest?
Frankly quite annoyed,
Annan.

Petula says: Dear Frankly,
What a fragile wee soul your boyfriend is! But how typical of the male sex. I suppose you have tried all that size isn’t important guff, although we all know it is, especially if the damn thing refuses to stand to attention on command. Apart from that I am not sure what to say. You could stop shagging the blokes at work, but that seems a bit drastic seeing as they are currently the only ones who can get it up. If you are really determined to put his mind at rest then why not do what all us other girls do when faced with this kind of situation and just lie to him? He can carry on deluding himself that he’s king of the castle, while you’ll be getting it every which way. Perfect.

 

I arrived home from work earlier than usual one day last week to find the house strangely quiet. My husband who works from home was not in the office or the shed at the bottom of the garden where he keeps his porn stash. I heard some strange noises from our bedroom upstairs so I went to investigate. Imagine my shock when I opened the door to find him prancing around in a corset, fishnet stockings and red patent fuck-me high heels. I was amazed. He normally wears American tan tights and ballet pumps. Has he gone weird?

Concerned,
Craigmillar

Petula says: Dear Concerned,
At a certain point in their lives all men will experiment with dressing up as women. Most never take this much further than buying a blonde wig, a nice blouse, a pencil skirt, the full stockings and suspender belt rig-out and some six-inch heels to stomp around in to Donna Summer records when you are out. I know mine did, and the first time I came back early and found him dancing in the front room dressed like that I thought Vanessa Feltz had moved in. Frankly, I was delighted to discover it my husband in drag. As long as he sticks to sussies and ditches those dull tights you should be all right. Relax a little, introduce the cross-dressing into your lovemaking as it can be fun – once you get over the terror of being humped by a large middle aged Jewess from North London that is. I still have the occasional nightmare
.

 

I go out drinking with my girl pals every night after work. We tend to get really hammered down the pub and afterwards pick up blokes in Pitta the Great before heading off for a quick knee trembler in the nearest alleyway. Most times I get a bit of a seeing too from some bloke and a free kebab, which normally lasts longer than he does. I don’t like to speak with my mouthful, as it is unladylike, so when they finish before I’m through with my donner I usually don’t get their names. Do you have any tips on how to get chilli sauce stains out of your crop top?
Hot stuff,
Haddington

Petula says: Dear Hot Stuff,
Is that what modern womanhood has come too? Quick sex with a different stranger every night in some filthy back alley? Sounds fantastic. Back in my day we had commitment and marriage, and quick sex with the same man every night in the same bloody position in the same boring old bedroom. So all that campaigning in the Seventies was not wasted after all. Vanish.

 

I am a 46 year-old man and have been happily married to my wife for 20 years. We have a lovely house, two beautiful kids, I have a good job, good prospects, and can expect to retire with a great pension in a few years time, at which point my wife and I will have all the time and money we need to enjoy the rest of our lives together. How do I throw it all away by having a brief fling with some stupid young girl at work?

Porsche Driver
Perth

Petula says: Dear Porsche Driver,
I really do not understand your question. It seems to me that an awful lot of men like you think that young impressionable girls in the office are interested in supposedly sophisticated and well-off older men like yourself and so sexually available. That’s because they generally are, the little home-wrecking tarts. So what’s the problem? I would have thought there were hundreds of the little floozies flouncing around your desk in their short skirts with their pert young breasts pointing up at the ceiling who were perfectly prepared to put out for you, if only once, and for a laugh, then ruin your life and that of your wife and your family – there certainly were in the last place my ex-husband worked. Slags.

 

I am a 30 year-old man who has only recently lost his virginity after many years during which I had no success with the ladies. As you can imagine, during this time I became very well acquainted with Rosie Palmer and her five lovely sisters. My new girlfriend is loving, understanding, and incredibly generous in bed. However, something is not quite right. I really miss my own right hand. What should I do?
Fingerless,
Fintry

Petula says: Dear Fingerless,
It is inevitable that the first love of your teenage years will have made a strong impression on you. But you have to ask yourself: am I just romanticising my past? All you remember are the good times together with your hand. But do you recall the tantrums and the arguments, and more importantly the terrible scabs and blisters? It’s time to grow up and put that stage of your life behind you. Unless, like most men of my acquaintance, you are determined to be a wanker all your life.

 

I HAVE embarked on an illicit affair with my boss Simon at work. He is married and though he says he loves me I think he is just kidding on. He won’t meet me outside the office, our few snatched moments together take place in the stationary cupboard where it’s a quick knee trembler then back to our desks. My friends say he is just using me for sex. I wrote to Joan Burnie and she agreed and told me dump him, but only after first slamming his nadgers in the cupboard door at our next little tryst. Have you got any better advice? The hoggins is just out of this world!

Orgasmic,
Ormiston

Petula says: Dear Orgasmic,
Thanks for finally getting round to writing to me, although judging by the shocking state of your handwriting this one was knocked off extremely quickly in the stationary cupboard, much like yourself. Slam the door on his nadgers? What kind of advice is that from a professional agony aunt? That whole nadger door slam routine went out with the ark. Go round to his house, cut the crotch out of all his trousers and paint “Simon shags secretaries” on the wall in the living room. Torch his car in the drive and post a picture of his pathetic privates on the internet. Is that what you wanted to hear? No? Well, try writing to me first in future. In the meantime try Dear Deirdre. She’s just happy to get any letters at all.

 

When my husband and I were first married we were so young and inexperienced that our hoggins was short and perfunctory. Over the years we have been together he has developed into a skilled and attentive lover. Now, all I seem to be doing during my spare time is having multiple orgasms during regular sessions of tantric hochmagandy that involve a bewildering variety of positions. Why can’t we have quick and rubbish sex like we did when we first married? I have not seen Coronation Street in ages.

Bored,
Dundee

Petula says: Dear Bored,
Many wives think that not having sex with their husbands is a perfectly natural thing that will develop over time. However, like all things in marriage, it takes work. Have you tried being cold and uncommunicative and not talking to him about what turns you on in the bedroom department? Try destroying the atmosphere early on in the proceedings by “accidentally” letting one rip while he is going about his filthy business in your below stairs area. If he persists, try yawning or looking at your watch while he is see-sawing away on top of you interminably, or better still try reading a book – out loud. If that fails, and he is still grunting away above while pulling a face like a constipated Chinaman, try calling your mother on the phone. And if that fails try asking the question “are you in yet?” It always has the desired effect.

 

I ended up in bed with this bloke after meeting him on the internet. I am in my early sixties and got talking to him in one of those chatrooms we pensioners use when looking for anonymous sex. I met up with him and frankly he was a bit disappointing in the looks department, but I did not want to waste the £1.20 I had spent on my train fare, so I shagged him anyway. I am a pensioner after all. It all went well until the moment came for him to chuck his muck when he shouted out “shoot it Archie, shoot it” at the top of his voice, and then “GOOOOAAAAALLLLL” immediately afterwards. He then went and told all the blokes down the over sixties lunch club he had boffed me, and wrote in the loos that I gave good head. Is this normal behaviour for a 60 year old?
Wrinkled,
Shettleston

Petula says: Dear Wrinkled,
I am afraid your superannuated sex god is suffering from a widespread condition among men that we sex therapists call “immature ejaculation”. Most teenage boys will display some, or all, of the above behaviours after jetting out their love juice. It obviously does something to their heads. However, by the time they reach their mid-forties, about half of blokes will have matured enough to realise it is quite inappropriate to be so indiscreet about their goings and comings. The other half will be divorced already after having been caught out so they won’t care. Try listening to my premium rate phone line “Dealing with immature ejaculators”. If that does not help, just tell his wife. It won’t repair the damage to your reputation, but he will get a boot in the knackers from his missus, and the crotch cut out of all his Farah slacks.

 
I came home earlier than usual from the pub last night and crept into our house in the dark only to be greeted by the noise of vigorous lovemaking coming from upstairs. The sounds I heard were unlike any I had encountered during my own hochmagandy with the missus, and I was shocked and disturbed. Unsure what to do, and frightened of what I might do should I barge in and discover her in the act, I went into the kitchen. But with my mind disturbed it seemed somehow strange and unfamiliar. Some hours later a man I had never seen before in my life came into the kitchen, saw me, started shouting and then roughly threw me out the front door causing me to sprain my ankle. Do you think I was in the wrong house?
Puzzled,
Dundee

Petula says: Dear Puzzled,
A difficult question to answer this, but only if you are pissed-up half-wit. Reviewing the evidence so far presented, the strange noises, the unfamiliar surroundings and the violent ejection, I would conclude that, on balance, you are a clueless dunce. Of course you fucking were! While I take my job as an Agony Aunt seriously, it is the pain and torment of the soul I deal with not the confused mind and twisted ankle of a moron such as yourself. My readers don’t want twisted ankles. They want three in a bed, I’m in love with my best friend’s uncle’s sister’s brother, that kind of thing. If this is the best you can come up in future stick to Joan Burnie in The Record. She’ll answer anything.

 

Six months ago I started an affair with a married woman at work. She was open from the start and said it was just a bit of fun on the side and there was no way she would ever leave her husband, who she insists she loves deeply. I’m married too and the arrangement suits me fine. We now have fantastic passionate guilt-free sex at least once a week before returning happily to our partners and our other lives. Just thought you would like to know that. Should I opt for a fixed rate or variable when remortgaging?
Confused
PerthPetula says: Dear confused,
Guilt-free philanderers often find themselves in a quandary when it comes to personal finance issues. So much effort goes into covering up their disgusting sexual trangressions that there is very little brain power left over for complicated issues like financial planning. Perhaps if you kept it in your boxers for a few days you might be able to work it out for yourself. You make me sick. Take it from me your supposedly guiltless hobby-sex will come back to haunt you. I know mine did. Fixed.

Six months ago I started an affair with a married man at work. He was open from the start and said it was just a bit of fun on the side. That suited me as I’m married too. So we started having fantastic guilt-free passionate sex at least once a week. The trouble is it’s no fun without the guilt and I worry that the spark is going out of my extra-marital relationship. How can I carry on cuckolding my husband and get some passion back into my affair?
Deflated,
DundeePetula says: Dear Deflated,
A good question. Lots of people think having affairs at work is a completely natural thing and expect the passion levels to stay high all the time they are being unfaithful. Yet, inevitably, over time even snatched illicit hoggins in the broom cupboard can lose its fizz. Put some more effort into creating the right atmosphere for your cheating. Have a glass of wine to lower you inhibitions. Fill the cupboard with rose petals and light some nice scented candles to cover the stink of cleaning fluids. Put on some romantic mood music. Give each other a gentle massage. Before you know it your knees will be trembling like the good old days. Have a listen to my premium rate phone line “How to get the best out of your affair”. Good luck, and happy hochmagandy!