Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Shot through the heart and you're to blame, you give love a bad name. Not to mention archery tuition.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Good news as the Jedi religion opts out of gay marriage. Lucas made Han & Leia, not Fran and Leia.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You're unconcerned about diseased ash trees because you know all plants go to Heaven.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Temporarily giving up drink wasn't easy but as the 30th approaches you feel it's been a worthwhile half-hour.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Why not liven up a boring day at work by starting the shut-down process on your computer, then quickly trying to write an email?
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) House hunting can be tedious so why not slap the walls and ask the owner if they’d take a sex harness load in excess of 300lbs?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) The boozer on your street is declared a 'gastro-pub' by locals because it serves cheese toasties.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) You’ve always managed to avoid tension in the office by being absolutely unemployable.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) It appears the producers of Paranormal Activity 4 are running out of ideas, as you find you've paid £10 to watch paratroopers acting in an unremarkable way.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The debate about when to use ‘less’ rather than ‘fewer’ has passed you by, more or fewer.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After building a time machine you decide not to travel back to 1920s Germany to kill Hitler as planned and instead set the dial for a 1975 episode of Top Of The Pops.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After the self-denial of Stoptober you’re really looking forward to Smokecrackcember.