Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week, your no-nonsense attitude to work gets you sacked from the homeopathic pharmacy.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You may not know much about art, but you know what you like. It’s just a shame that happens to be rearranging your balls on public transport.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Time to burn off excess holiday pounds by eating the last of those of prawns you opened on Christmas Eve.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Remember that the police will be focusing on drink drivers right now, making it the perfect time to start kidnapping dogs again.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Thanks for that, he was a right old prick.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week why not conduct a major survey where you somehow forget to ask a lot of rioters why they are such arseholes?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Ooh eeh, ooh ah ah. Tingtang wallawallabingbang. So this is what I pay my national insurance for, is it?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
My momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. Mind you, she also said that One Direction were just like the Velvet Underground.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your blind date describes herself as 'warm, bubbly and lots of fun' which either means she's overweight or she's a jacuzzi.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

The great thing about the Kindle is that people on the bus can’t judge you based on what you’re reading and you can concentrate on what happens after the dog runs after the red ball.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Time to break out the nice wine glasses as you find a bottle of Asti in the park that you're almost certain hasn't been filled with urine.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It's okay, mine humps people's legs too. So was yours born like that or did the midwife drop it on its head?