Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) It’s a bull market, which is to say you’re the victim of people trafficking. 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) After solving the mysterious labyrinth, outsmarting the cunning wizard and vanquishing the Diamond Griffin, you manage to get through to somebody in customer services at your council.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) This week, you finally realise who you'd be in a zombie apocalypse, and it's third zombie from the left with pulled-off arm. 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) While you'd consider yourself more a dog person than a cat person, either will do if you're hungry enough.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) You had a great Fat Tuesday yesterday. Or as you call it, Tuesday.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) You will come into money tomorrow as the trousers you buy in Oxfam have a 20p piece in the pocket.

 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) At school you used to say "Our Father, who fart in heaven" during the Lord's Prayer, so you kind of feel Richard Dawkins has stolen your schtick.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Japan! That's who the other baddies in World War Two were! If only you'd remembered a week ago, you would still have got nowhere on Only Connect

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) On Thursday your excitement about Making A Murderer ends when you realise it isn’t a fortnightly partwork magazine where the first issue costs just 99p.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) You woke up early today, so had time for a quick 'revenge reshuffle' before having a shower and heading to work.

Psychic Bob: The pink Hungry Hippo is Pisces and the green one is Libra

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You've always wondered why, of all the insults Kirsty MacColl throws at Shane McGowan in Fairytale of New York, she never once mentions his teeth.

Psychic Bob: They secretly call you 'the goose'

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You realise you've been a bit lonely lately when you respond to a text from your phone provider by asking what they're up to later.