Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) It’s a bull market, which is to say you’re the victim of people trafficking.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) After solving the mysterious labyrinth, outsmarting the cunning wizard and vanquishing the Diamond Griffin, you manage to get through to somebody in customer services at your council.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) This week, you finally realise who you'd be in a zombie apocalypse, and it's third zombie from the left with pulled-off arm.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) While you'd consider yourself more a dog person than a cat person, either will do if you're hungry enough.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) You had a great Fat Tuesday yesterday. Or as you call it, Tuesday.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) You will come into money tomorrow as the trousers you buy in Oxfam have a 20p piece in the pocket.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) At school you used to say "Our Father, who fart in heaven" during the Lord's Prayer, so you kind of feel Richard Dawkins has stolen your schtick.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Japan! That's who the other baddies in World War Two were! If only you'd remembered a week ago, you would still have got nowhere on Only Connect.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) On Thursday your excitement about Making A Murderer ends when you realise it isn’t a fortnightly partwork magazine where the first issue costs just 99p.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) You woke up early today, so had time for a quick 'revenge reshuffle' before having a shower and heading to work.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You've always wondered why, of all the insults Kirsty MacColl throws at Shane McGowan in Fairytale of New York, she never once mentions his teeth.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You realise you've been a bit lonely lately when you respond to a text from your phone provider by asking what they're up to later.