Horoscopes

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You get your big break in the movies this week as Ken Loach casts you as an embittered middle-aged failure with terrible personal hygiene and northern teeth.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
There's an odd momentum to your affairs right now. Why not start slowly and then work up into a boggle-eyed, sticky crescendo like you used to? That usually did the trick.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
All the computing power that first took man to the moon is now contained in your mobile phone. And all you use it for is to text inanities to your equally twattish mates. You arse.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Saturn puts you on Easy Street until November but then Mercury has you kidnapped and shipped to the Philippines where you are forced to shoot ping-pong balls out of your yin-yan for drunken American sailors until Christmas.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The arrival of Venus in sensual Taurus means they have much better things to do than get involved in sorting out the petty inconveniences of your meaningless existence. Naff off.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Saturn hands you power and responsibility but Neptune keeps on undermining you by telling everyone you slept your way to the top. Which, let's be honest, you did.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Get some decent photos taken. When you go missing, your family will have to use that one from six years ago where you look like a twat. And no-one's going to stay up all night looking for a twat.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
There are times when you are so spiritual and ethereal you put the rest of us to shame. But mostly you're just a money-grubbing, sex-obsessed arsehole.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You have arrived at a point of power. Take the funny three-pronged thing attached to the plastic string and stick it in. Now can you see the ghost-people talking in the box?

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Hurry to clinch that non-aggression pact you are secretly negotiating with a large nearby state whose people and ideology you despise and then invade Poland.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Write down 15 things about yourself that are lowering your confidence. And don't just go for the really obvious ones.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Venus brings back some old faeces from the past, but luckily Saturn has the number of a cheap and reliable 24 hour plumber.