Horoscopes

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Mars, the planet of tangled wiring, meets Pluto the planet of multi-speaker home cinema system installation and badly translated Japanese instruction manuals. You are fucked.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Mercury moves into the house of repressed memories, so now is a good time to ask your parents why Uncle Frank is never invited to family gatherings

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A stare lingers too long, someone goes out of their way to walk by your desk, a red dot travels up your body to the centre of your forehead and then suddenly everything goes dark.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The entrance of Saturn into Uranus this week is a great big open goal that's just begging for a cock joke. But you know what? I'm better than that.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Jupiter has moved into a more benevolent position, restoring circulation to your left leg and increasing that pleasurable sensation in your lower parts.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You are feeling a surge of excitement about your career, and plenty of hope for the coming year. Ha ha, ha ha ha ha, ha ha.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The confluence of Mars and Jupiter suggests you are thinking about recording your own version of Hallelujah. Don't.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Exploring new romantic territory can be somewhat intimidating, but it will feel a lot tighter.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your keen awareness of the needs of those around you comes in handy today. As does a bumper pack of tissues and a giant electric eel.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Criticism is merely a suggestion, not a judgement on you as a person. Didn't you know that, you fucking idiot?

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Your success is noticed whether you realise it or not. People around you respect your personality and your drive to be the best. But they still hate you.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

While the details about your last romantic encounter might be fuzzy, the warm sensations of being adored are still present. Would you like a tissue?