Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) Little sympathy from your boss this morning when you phone in asking for compassionate leave due to Twitter getting rid of the 'Favourite' function.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Sunday's morning Quidditch game sees you swallow the Golden Snitch and get disembowelled by feral, magic-crazed children. I know, again.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) This is the week you finally reduce your gambling addiction to manageable levels by restricting yourself to the 2p waterfalls.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) You ‘danced like nobody’s watching’, but they were watching and they filmed you and it's gone viral.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) Like Mariah Carey you are an Aries, and like Mariah Carey you are in the middle of a 26-show residency at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas because that's how this works.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) Scorpio enters your sign tomorrow night, crawling across your face while you're asleep and sucking moisture out from under your eyelids.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) It's Friday, it's 4pm, it's a training course. The trainer asks if anyone has any more questions. People are packing up. Now is your time to shine.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Remember, life is too short to spend it worrying about how tragically, unreasonably short it is.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) With the nights starting to draw in, you'll be able to spend more and more time lurking in your neighbour's hedge undetected.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) Waking up with a cat sat on your chest staring at you can be disconcerting enough but especially when you don't own a cat and it's a puma.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) They say that owners end up like their dog and sure enough, three years after your neighbour's dog died, so has he.
Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Remember, there is no such thing as a stupid question, unless it's a stupid thing, asked about a stupid subject asked by a stupid person, stupidly.