Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) Little sympathy from your boss this morning when you phone in asking for compassionate leave due to Twitter getting rid of the 'Favourite' function.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Sunday's morning Quidditch game sees you swallow the Golden Snitch and get disembowelled by feral, magic-crazed children. I know, again. 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) This is the week you finally reduce your gambling addiction to manageable levels by restricting yourself to the 2p waterfalls. 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) You ‘danced like nobody’s watching’, but they were watching and they filmed you and it's gone viral. 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) Like Mariah Carey you are an Aries, and like Mariah Carey you are in the middle of a 26-show residency at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas because that's how this works.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
 Scorpio enters your sign tomorrow night, crawling across your face while you're asleep and sucking moisture out from under your eyelids.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) It's Friday, it's 4pm, it's a training course. The trainer asks if anyone has any more questions. People are packing up. Now is your time to shine.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Remember, life is too short to spend it worrying about how tragically, unreasonably short it is.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) With the nights starting to draw in, you'll be able to spend more and more time lurking in your neighbour's hedge undetected.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) Waking up with a cat sat on your chest staring at you can be disconcerting enough but especially when you don't own a cat and it's a puma.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) They say that owners end up like their dog and sure enough, three years after your neighbour's dog died, so has he.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Remember, there is no such thing as a stupid question, unless it's a stupid thing, asked about a stupid subject asked by a stupid person, stupidly.