Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) You are the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s new housekeeper. Congratulations.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Spring is definitely in the air this week as you find yourself in the local park being unspeakable with a tree.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) I'm too good for the likes of you. Write your own horoscope, you bellend.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) A shooting star will blaze briefly across your sign on Friday before landing on your shed, setting fire to it.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You have a crisis of faith on Sunday when you can't decide whether the face in your toast looks more like Jesus or Kenny Loggins.
Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) This week your discover that Monopoly money is legal tender if you are really persistent and look a bit demented.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) It occurs to you that if everybody were cremated, the zombie apocalypse would just be a really insistent sandstorm.
Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) This week you get six numbers in the Health Lottery and win a kidney.
Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Remember, bad dreams aren't real, they're just your subconscious sketching out scenarios that have every chance of occurring in the near future.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) On Tuesday you’ll be marking eight years of sobriety. It’s been spread over 25 years of piss-artistry, but still.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) This week you discover that Cab Calloway's career was ended by the arrival of Uber Calloway.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Your life is uncanny – i.e. something a Geordie wouldn't like.