Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Flying over a desert island this week, you see that somebody has spelled out the name of their favourite Beatles album in pebbles on the beach.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) 1997 was a very good year for Pinot Noir – remember when you found that crate of it round the back of Threshers?
Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) You wake up and the smell the coffee. You live alone. WHO IS MAKING COFFEE IN YOUR KITCHEN?
Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Oh, sure, a rabbit's foot on a key ring is 'lucky' but a severed head worn as a pendant is 'scaring the kids'.
Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) This week, why not grow a stupid-shaped beard, pretend you're a street magician and convince strangers to throw their phone under a bus?
Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) When describing World War One as 'lions led by donkeys', people tend to ignore how awesome that would actually look.
Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Just two weeks of going to the gym has really made a difference. You never used to cry when putting on your coat before.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) If Russia is anti-gay, why is so much of it devoted to Steppes?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) The tube strike is going to cost you money this week as there'll be nobody outside the station to menace for a cup of tea.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) On Saturday you will take a satisfying final gulp from your beer, only to see there's another unsatisfyingly small gulp left in the bottom.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) You never got a Tamagotchi but now you have an iPhone that needs charging every fifteen minutes so that's something.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) The reincarnation of Homer questions your use of the word 'epic' to describe a night out in Wetherspoons.