Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
With Venus, the sun and Mercury all in your sign this week there is no room for you and you'll have to move to Scorpio or Sagittarius. Shift it, pronto.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Eeheeheehee dee heeheeheehee weeoh awum away. Eeheeheehee dee heeheeheehee weeoh awum away. Awum away, awum away, awum away, awum away, awum away, awum away, awum away, awum away.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After stealing $40,000 from your employer you somehow end up spending the night in a creepy deserted motel. Worse, the weird guy who runs it wants to have dinner with you despite getting into some weird argument with his mother where it sounds like he's doing both the voices. Never mind, it's only one night and you'll soon be on your way back to Phoenix.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
We all lead busy lives these days, constantly struggling to balance our demanding work schedules with constant invitations from our many friends to go out to this party or that bar, but sometimes we should all take time to pause a while and think of those less fortunate than us, who don't have a fulfilling professional life or lots of friends. Like you.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It's finally time to lose that extra weight you've been carrying and a drunken accident with an industrial lathe will save you a lot of time and energy.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your New Year's resolutions could address health, work or relationship issues, but most people would settle for you trying to be one per cent less of a snapping turdhole.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Always the most organised of star signs, you've already drawn up a personal achievement plan for 2010 with SMART objectives, reviewable timescales and motivational marker points. Which for an unemployed alcoholic is desperately impressive.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Okay, when I said the confluence of Saturn and Mercury would allow you to make mincemeat of your work rivals it wasn't meant to be taken literally. You are not pinning this one on me.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A love of nature and a preference for working alone should really help in your application as a park keeper. Those creepy looks you give to children won't do any harm either.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Mars, your ruling planet, says you are allowed to bring in games and do some colouring-in or just sit quietly at your desk with your head resting on your arms.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It's a bad start to the year as the continued poor weather means the schools are closed and your children are home all week making it so much harder for you to finish that half bottle of Jack Daniels in time for lunch.