Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Saturn’s been sat outside your house in his car for two hours now with
the engine running, smoking endless cigarettes and carving shapes into
the dashboard with a flick-knife. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you storm out of Celebrity Masterchef after learning there may be cooking involved.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Only in the United States could you release a book called America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag and people would not automatically assume you were a complete and utter fucking c**t.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Shoplifting is a typical teenage phase, especially when it involves a sledgehammer, a moped and the front window of Tiffany’s.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After your horrific ordeal at the hands of some dirty, stinking apes, you ride down the beach and, confronted with an iconic landmark, learn the devastating truth that you have been in Blackpool all along. You didn’t blow it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Who says you can’t do Come Dine With Me with three dead tramps? More tiramisu Alec?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Having spent the last 20 years wanking yourself stupid, you make the remarkable discovery that it’s actually possible to wank yourself clever again. Circle of life, or what?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Alcohol-free lager and sparkling grape juice can make healthy
alternatives during Christmas nights out, but so can not fucking
bothering in the first place.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
To be, or not to be? That is the question. What must Gillian McKeith’s turds look like at the moment? There’s another.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I promise I will get round to reading your blog – I just have to read everything else that’s ever been published first.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You have your Sunday afternoon routine you like to stick to – buy the papers, potter in the garden for a bit, a lovely roast dinner and then a good six hours on your vibrating cone.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It’s never too early to teach the kids about the facts of life. Next week – How to make a sticklebrick vulva.