Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week delight your colleagues by having an opinion about everything. It will give them new material to make fun of you with when they all meet up in that pub they never invite you to.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’re thrown out of your local UCI this week for asking the manager whether it’s worth saving your wank up for the forthcoming release of Burlesque.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Unless you can find some arsehole willing to pay 20% APR.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
These Iceland 75-piece Indian platters really are amazing value. You try insulting a billion people for £4.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
While you moon around compiling top five ‘Side One, Track One’ songs, top five breakups and top five songs about death, your ex is counting the top five inches of her new boyfriend’s cock. Nearly halfway there.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You realise the weird day you’re having must be a dream when you switch on the television and they’re showing an episode of Friends you’ve never seen before.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your third-grade degree in maths from the technical college of Knowsley finally comes in handy when you’re asked to conduct the customer research for a cosmetics company.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
When a Swiss bank turns against you this week, it’s time to start re-examining your recent decisions. Maybe you should kill some Jews or something?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you don’t like the fucking thing then just make it illegal and then tell us why, instead acting like the baddies in a film that would probably star Gene Hackman.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You really made that Westlife song your own. You couldn’t hang on to it, could you?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A week that started badly with your house burning to the ground and your wife running away with a female impersonator takes a turn for the better when your name is removed from the credits of Tramadol Nights.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Pass me that sponge. NOW!