Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week your hangover becomes so all-encompassing that the Dignitas clinic sends you one of it’s special cups of tea.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Why not stop the interminable Monday morning office conversations about what everyone did over the weekend by insisting on going first and telling everybody you punched a horse in the face?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Some tribes of Native Americans are so attuned with their environment that they know in advance when it’s going to rain. The same way that Scottish people know when they’re about to be sick on you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Sometimes after the oppressive heat of the day turns into a sultry, languid evening, the first crack of thunder can herald a refreshing downpour that seems to wash the very tension out of the sky. Does tend to fuck up the telly though.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you meet a highly articulate man who seems to have the answer to everything. Turns out he’s full of shit, just like you.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If you have to spend one more smurfing minute in this smurfing cinema watching this piece of smurf surrounded by 300 screaming little smurfs you’re going to go smurfing mental and smurf somebody’s toy smurf up the smurf until it smurfing bursts.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
No matter what they take from me, they can’t take away my dignity.
Although staggering onstage while reeking of crack may yet do the trick.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Disappointment as you receive an email rejecting your proposed government e-petition demanding that being Jack Whitehall is made illegal. Rest assured, history will be your judge.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week why not lecture everybody on morality whilst standing next to a
full size cut out of you grinning and shaking hands with a murderer who
has some oil.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
An abrupt end to the dinner party conversation about films with superior sequels when you volunteer Anal Whore Bath VII.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, Mercury runs up behind you, slaps you across the back of the head and runs off again. Single mum.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
With the nights starting to draw in, X Factor back on the telly and Christmas decorations already appearing in some shops, this week you take the very sensible decision to get shitfaced until May.