Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Buffalo mozzarella, fresh peppery rocket, iberico ham and a drizzle of extra virgin olive oil. Just some of the things they don’t sell in Iceland and you’ve therefore never eaten.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Staying late at work has really given you the time to catch up on those projects you’ve been meaning to do for ages. Like farting down the mouthpiece of your boss’ phone and dragging your genitals across his keyboard.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Remember there’s no time like the present. Unless it’s you in which case the last 20 years have been quite remarkably similar.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You buy your toothpaste on the basis that nine out of ten dentists recommend it and for the same reason you’ve developed a stoop, chronic alcoholism and you plan to commit suicide when you’re 45.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Liven up shopping trips by hurtling around the supermarket, bellowing down your sleeve what items you’re throwing into your trolley and impatiently shouting “GODDAMIT, A MAN’S LIFE IS ON THE LINE HERE!” at the people in front of you at the check-out.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
As a Nazi and a water sign, you’re best described as an Aquarian supremacist.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Even across a packed nightclub dancefloor, your eyes lock onto hers and your heart leaps up into the top of your skull. Three seconds in and you know you’ll never forget the line of her mouth or the curve of her shoulder for the rest of your life. As she makes a beeline straight for you, it’s the most alive you’ve ever felt. After what seems like an eternity she says her first words to you. “Can you bring your mop to the ladies, mate? Somebody’s spewed everywhere. Cheers.”

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you manage to make a trip to see Final Destination 5 marginally bearable by imagining the ostentatious deaths are happening to the producers of the film. And Jude Law, obviously.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Shouting lager, lager, lager, lager. Shouting lager, lager, lager, lager. Is just one of the reasons you’re not welcome at Claridges any more.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your audition tape for the new Ant & Dec game show is unsuccessful when you mention that, as a staunch EDL member, you’re never going to pick black over red.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
I know it’s expensive and I know money’s tight, but it’s been six years since you had your left eye laser-treated and if you leave it any longer there’s the very real possibility you’re going to wind up looking like Popeye.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Tramps like us, baby we were born to run. Usually out of Asda with a bottle of voddy stuffed down our knickers.