Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you give birth to a fart of such ferocity that you feel
compelled to name it before it makes landfall in southern Florida.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You love that Boots advert where the bloke brings painkillers to bed for when his missus says she has a headache. So it’s not just you that has to drug women for sex.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week sees you like Steve Martin at the end of The Jerk, writing out thousands of cheques to people whose lives you ruined, only this time it’s not due to novelty glasses but gortesque invasions of privacy.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your fitness instructor feels you’re not taking your workout seriously when a Domino’s delivery man turns up half way through.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The power of love is a curious thing. Makes one man weep, makes another man sing. Or in your case erect a shrine in your spare room featuring hundreds of photographs with the eyes cut out.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Every decision in your life, no matter how seemingly insignificant, has opened a path to a slightly different world which has ultimately led you to where you are today. In effect you have created the universe you live in via the person you are and the choices you’ve made. What an arse.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ve always used homeopathy to treat your ailments and who’s to say you’re wrong? Me. I am. You’re wrong.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Have fun this week by convincing everyone in the office it’s ‘International Talk Like A 70s Pimp With A Cleft Palate Day’.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’re a typical Scorpio as you’re small, poisonous and can often be found lurking about in sandals.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Possibly wasn’t the best idea to download that Facebook thing that shows which words you used most in your status updates in the last 12 months. ‘bail’, ‘meths’ and ‘fuck-knuckle’, apparently.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your wife complains that you put her on a pedestal. But how else is she going to get into the loft to kill that massive bat?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Despite the blurb saying the Glee 3D film was just like being at their concert, you’re disappointed when your flailing fists go right through their faces and the piss doesn’t seem to be getting them wet.