Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’ve been telling everyone that Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy is an elegantly-constructed and beautifully-acted piece of film making, because that’s what you heard somebody else say when you were walking out of The Smurfs.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Why not pep up your own-brand supermarket lager with a squirt of Lynx deodorant? Call it a ‘Dark Temptation Spritzer’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your application to join the army is rushed through when under ‘any other questions’ you put ‘when can I start kicking civilians about the place?’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a child you couldn’t get enough of Bedknobs and Broomsticks. Of course these days it’s all anal love beads and – to a certain extent – bedknobs.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
No word from Hasbro yet about your awareness-raising kid’s game ‘Hungry Hungry Rwandans’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
There are times when you wish you were a fly on the wall, mainly because you like the idea of vomiting onto faeces, then drinking the resultant puddle.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air, I know I can count on you. Sometimes I feel like saying ‘Lord I just don’t care’, but you’ve got the love I need to see me through. Plus you still owe me sixty quid.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Mercury will play an important role in your life this week, especially when it nudges past 101 degrees due to your bout of dengue fever.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You can take things too far, as you find out this week when you decide to wear a monacle in each eye.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You dream about a terrible blasted wasteland of freezing horizontal hail and stunted trees twisted in poses of mute agony. A silhouette inexorably grows against the livid horizon, its shimmering outline resolving into the shape of a man. Over the screaming hurricane his voice appears closer than the whisper of a father to his newborn son – “It is time”. You wake up with the horrible realisation that you need to stop eating food you’ve found behind the fridge.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You realise you’re over your ex when seeing them out with a new partner doesn’t affect you emotionally at all. It just so happens that your pillows needed stabbing with a bread knife this week.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
During your team meeting, when asked what you’ve achieved this month, why not tell them that you finally convinced your wife to do the ‘bad thing’.