No-Deal Brexit recipes you can make without food

No Deal? No food? No worries. A post-Brexit lack of recognisable foodstuffs is a culinary challenge but just follow our simple recipes for a creative approach to not starving.

Houseplant salad
Getting your greens when the supermarket shelves are bare needn’t be a challenge – just eat a cheese plant. Layer up a tasty, textured salad from the various potted plants you’ve barely kept alive for years. Add handfuls of weeds from the pavement for a fancy, cosmopolitan garnish.

Tenner tagliatelle
Got money to spend on food? It’s no use when there’s nothing to buy. Instead, try shredding your notes into thick tagliatelle-like strips, which you can fry up with some E45 for this luxuriously creamy Italian classic.

‘Rice’ and ‘spice’
Like every other human, you have some chunks of polystyrene packaging in the back of cupboard. Crumble it up into a rice-like substance and boil it. Then drain and stir in some ground-up pot pourri. This fragrant, chewy dish will almost feel like the old days, when Britain had food.

Domestic pet hotpot
An extreme measure, but if your family is suffering from a lack of protein, try this hearty winter warmer, which works especially well with hamsters. Sorry Snowy, but that’s what you get for having flesh.

Millionaire’s shortbread
The same old classic recipe, except that purchasing the flour, butter, sugar and chocolate will now cost the same as a five-bedroom house in Guildford.