Four pumpkin carvings guaranteed to scare local children away from your house

STABBING a large vegetable until it resembles something scary is always a good thing to do, but here's a selection of 'carvings' that can also stop kids from ringing your bell.

The Mash guide to avoiding a shark attack

SHARK attacks are a regular occurrence in modern Britain, but what most people don't know is they're actually largely avoidable. Here's how:

How to have a Brexit themed Halloween party

Games: Everyone writes down a solution to the Irish Border question on a Rizla paper and sticks it to someone else's forehead.

"I am teaching my child a crucial life lesson by completing his Lego card album"

MY son has stopped giving a shit about his Lego card album, and actually I couldn’t be happier.

How to shave seconds off your commute by being a rude, pushy dickbag

SO you're walking through a train station and someone is coming in the opposite direction and headed right for you...

What to think about on the bog when you forget to take your phone with you

Have you been left alone with your thoughts when you would normally be playing Flappy Bird? Here’s what you should think about to fill those long, lonely minutes.

10 great English proverbs that are obviously bollocks

All’s fair in love and war Not if you come home to find your partner ensconced in a vigorous ’69’ with someone you regarded as a chum.