Features

The most influential bellends of 2018

HERE'S the rundown of 2018’s prize bellends - plus a few that may surprise you.

Five vindictive things about Meghan Markle we just made up

MEGHAN Markle is a hateful, conniving individual, if you just make shit up. Here’s some wild speculation about the - probably - horrible cow.

Jamie Oliver's guide to the perfect sanctimonious Christmas

Christmas is a time of year for maximum smugness. It's all about being with the family and making them feel like shit about their choices.

Jeremy Corbyn's guide to a progressive socialist Christmas

WITH shopping to do and parties to go to, it’s easy to forget the true meaning of Christmas - international socialism. Here’s how to have a left-wing festive season.

How to cope when you're five days deep into a festive hangover

HAVE you been to some sort of Christmas 'do' five nights in a row and forgotten what it feels like to not be hungover? Here’s how to deal with it.

As a true Slade fan, I am deeply angered by your refusal to explore their back catalogue

I AM a devoted Slade fan or ‘Sladean’, and you might think I’d love this time of year. Not so.

Six alternative careers for Theresa May

DESPITE the prime minister’s limpet-like determination to hang on, it could be time for her to think about a career change. Here are some suggestions.

How to play Connect Four with Theresa May

Rule 1. If it looks like she’s going to lose, the game will be cancelled.

Could you be any lazier? Take the test...

COULD you be any lazier? Seriously, could you? Take our test...

What will you be blaming Christmas for this year?

WHETHER you are skint, hungover or fat, blame it all on Jesus’s birthday.

How to react when a friend starts talking about Warhammer when there are women around

WARHAMMER: all men play it, but only the brave few will mention it in public.

How to make sure every single conversation ends up being about you

DO you hate listening to people tediously drone on about themselves when you’re clearly much more interesting? Here’s how to steer the conversation round.