The Daily MashThe Daily Mash

Man finally ready to commit to GTA VI

The Daily Mash — Sat, 14 Nov 2026 10:30:17 +0000

A MAN who has spent years unable to fully commit to relationships has pledged his eternal love to the new Grand Theft Auto game.

We ask you: What are you saving from the 00s before we burn the whole decade down?

The Daily Mash — Sat, 14 Nov 2026 09:30:09 +0000

THE 00s have been condemned and must be purged with fire. What one thing are you ill-advisedly saving from history’s worst decade?

‘I’m so alone,’ sob homeworkers

The Daily Mash — Fri, 13 Nov 2026 16:59:38 +0000

Piddington declares war on UK

The Daily Mash — Fri, 13 Nov 2026 13:01:45 +0000

THE village of Piddington has announced that, following planning approval for an asylum centre near its borders, it has no option but to declare war.

How to be an irresistible sex magnet like Jensen Huang

The Daily Mash — Fri, 13 Nov 2026 11:04:36 +0000

YOU’RE still single while disgraced tech boss Jensen Huang has enjoyed three affairs, but how? Follow in his footsteps with this guide.

Billions of people shut down after outage to 5G vaccine nanochips in brainstem

The Daily Mash — Fri, 13 Nov 2026 10:03:08 +0000

BILLIONS of humans across the world have stopped functioning after the 5G Microsoft nanochips implanted by vaccines suffered an outage.

David Walliams, and six other people it’s not worth separating art from artist for

The Daily Mash — Fri, 13 Nov 2026 08:59:14 +0000

IT’S always tempting to try to ‘separate the art from the artist’ when you’re a fan of someone’s work. Luckily it’s not a problem with these disgraced people:

‘So, er, where do you get one of these injunctions?’ man asks innocently

The Daily Mash — Thu, 12 Nov 2026 17:03:43 +0000

Saw a 70-year-old’s penis in dim lighting: A day in the life of a romance scammer

The Daily Mash — Thu, 12 Nov 2026 12:01:31 +0000

8AM: Start the day with a photo of a 70-year-old man's penis. It has been taken in dim lighting, though not dim enough.

Six vague, misleading clues to the latest gag order celebrity

The Daily Mash — Thu, 12 Nov 2026 11:00:37 +0000

A SECOND celebrity has an injunction stopping any reporting of his terrible actions, but who is he? We offer these spurious clues.

Film longer than 100 minutes better be f**king worth it

The Daily Mash — Thu, 12 Nov 2026 10:01:11 +0000

FILMS that go on for longer than an hour and 40 minutes had better be able to justify their excessive runtime, viewers have agreed.

Six incredible benefits of dating a woman above the age of consent: A guide for British male celebrities

The Daily Mash — Thu, 12 Nov 2026 08:58:34 +0000

ARE you a male British entertainer? Maybe it’s time to think outside the box and date a woman you can legally have sex with - perhaps even one close to your own age? Here’s why.

Little Britain DVDs in loft begin to pulse ominously

The Daily Mash — Wed, 11 Nov 2026 17:00:41 +0000

People who are great in bed call for accreditation scheme

The Daily Mash — Wed, 11 Nov 2026 12:59:29 +0000

THE UK’s truly great lovers are calling for a government-recognised qualification after finding their factual claims are too often dismissed as boasts.

All women who were alive during 00s entitled to compensation

The Daily Mash — Wed, 11 Nov 2026 11:55:41 +0000

ANY woman who existed during the Noughties is eligible for a cash payout to make up for the trauma they undoubtedly suffered during the ten-year period.

Prince George ‘a bloody nepo baby’

The Daily Mash — Wed, 11 Nov 2026 10:59:34 +0000

PRINCE George only got his drawing of a kingfisher into Country Life because it was edited by his father, it has emerged.

Public hopes we’re getting all the nasty news out of the way before a lovely Christmas

The Daily Mash — Wed, 11 Nov 2026 09:59:57 +0000

THE public has enjoyed yet more news about famous sexual predators but hopes it will all wrap up by the end of November, in time for a lovely Christmas.

Not stapling it to your forehead: Six ways you are a sickening poppy-disrespecter

The Daily Mash — Wed, 11 Nov 2026 09:00:40 +0000

EVERY year Remembrance Day is marred by leftie traitors failing to observe correct poppy etiquette. Here is how the scum of society disrespect our heroic fallen.

Grandmother who said ‘his eyes are too small’ was right

The Daily Mash — Tue, 10 Nov 2026 16:59:45 +0000

Gordon Ramsey, and six other alpha twats who’d fancy their chances as United manager

The Daily Mash — Tue, 10 Nov 2026 12:59:57 +0000

THE position of Manchester United manager is likely to be open by lunchtime tomorrow, and after the last decade nobody much fancies it. Except these pumped-up pricks.