Look the part

Introduce the neighbours to your paranoia gradually by walking bandy-legged, looking bedraggled and working the ache out of your jaw. If asked about your well-being, mention a terrible soreness downstairs and a lack of sleep ‘which no doubt you’ve heard about’. Now you’ve painted the picture further sightings will be like notches on a bedpost.

Display evidence

When taking out the rubbish carelessly spill used condoms, empty tubs of KY Jelly and broken arab straps onto the drive. Pick them up slowly, pausing to smile at the memories associated with each one. Also wash bedsheets daily, peg out lingerie and be seen absent-mindedly gobbling Viagra like sweets.

Crank the volume

Turning porn up to full volume will get noticed, as will playlists of Je T’aime and Sex On The Beach on repeat. Fake sex by shouting ‘Oh yes’ gutterally while slamming the back of your head into the bedroom wall. Post ‘Sorry about the noise! Got carried away!’ at 2am on the neighbourhood Facebook group.

Get sex toys delivered

Purchasing sex aids weekly and arrange for them to be dropped next door. Open the package while still on their doorstep and discussing something different, like roadworks. Pull out the dildo, regard it critically and say ‘Mm. It was meant to be bigger than him but it doesn’t look it. Ah well, suppose that’s another one for the arsehole.’

Get social

Join rotary clubs, book groups, and become a pub quiz regular. Arrive late at each, dishevelled and smiling broadly, and explain you unavoidably detained become ‘something came up’ with a wink. Your Renault Twingo should always have a discarded bra in the back seat and a dent in the bonnet.

Go full Bonnie Blue

Advertise a gangbang at your place on Gumtree, price free. Get expectant suitors lined up on a Sunday morning while next door are washing their cars, mowing their lawns, and asking people not to block their drives. Do the whole thing curtains-open. Make polite chit-chat during, there’s no need to be rude.

Josh Gardner, barista: “I guess I could bugger a matelot or two. That would help morale.”

Norman Steele, game warden: “Can we not, moved by the spirit of Dunkirk, travel to Cyprus in a flotilla of small boats? I personally can lay hands on a swan-shaped pedallo.”

Jo Kramer, solicitor: “Is it that we can’t build aircraft carriers because there are no Royals who aren’t twats to name them after?”

Oliver O’Connor, robot tester: “Yeah, but actually a smaller Navy can be an advantage because it’s harder for your opponent to hit. I’ve played Battleships.”

Emma Bradford, social engineer: “We need an experienced Naval helicopter pilot with nothing to live for to block an incoming missile with his vessel, dying but saving a family. Andrew? The day of your redemption has come.”

The hyped new war, a legacy sequel to the two most famous wars in history, has confessed it is feeling the pressure and wants to get it right because you only get to do this once.

The impending conflict said: “Iran, Ukraine, that business with Venezuela, you don’t need to tell me I’ve dragged it out far too long. People are getting impatient.

“Just when I feel like I’ve picked the perfect flashpoint some new location comes up. It’s like Subway, there’s too much choice.

“But wherever I start you’ll be sniping at your half-starved former neighbours from the bombed-out ruin of your home within six months, and that’s a promise.”

Marketing consultant Nikki Hollis said: “The Middle East is too obvious. Nukes are too depressing and hopelessly retro. The novelty of Ukraine’s worn off. Greenland tested badly with anyone who’s done the Arctic levels of Call of Duty. 

“World War Two was such a hit – great villain, exotic locations, still a classic – the follow-up’s paralysed with indecision while years go by, like the Fast & Furious franchise.

“Our big advantage is installing a US president so erratic it could start in Vancouver tomorrow and nobody would be surprised. So be ready.”

Booze-lover Martin Bishop has calculated that between lengthy stints of going to work and being asleep, he is never more than eight hours from being able to indulge in a crisp, tasty pint of lovely beer.

He said: “It sounds like one of those unbelievable facts, like how space is only 62 miles away. But it’s true for all of us, unless you’re teetotal.

“Think about it. If you have a drink before you go to bed, you’re just eight hours away from your next sip. And that’s only if you don’t get up in the middle of the night for a cheeky top up after going for a wee.

“According to HR I can’t drink at work, but there’s nothing stopping me from having a cheeky swig in the car park at 8:59. Then it’s simply a case of watching the clock count down to pub time. If I get really desperate I can usually get away with a half during lunch.

“Long-haul flights aren’t a problem thanks to the drinks trolley. I can’t see myself having to wait more than eight hours unless I get stranded on a desert island or there’s prohibition. Even then I reckon I could figure something out.”

He added: “It’s little babies I feel sorry for. They have to wait 18 years, or if they’re cool, 11.”

Of Christian faith

Iran has been an Islamic republic since 1979, and what good has it done it? Meanwhile in the same period Christian countries developed the iPod, the air-fryer and Heelys. A man unafraid to say ‘Merry Christmas’ would be a man who the West could work with. If keeping multiple wives is a must for Iranians a Mormon is acceptable.

Proven ratings winner

Trump owes his success to The Apprentice beating every rival show in the ratings, even though it rarely actually did. So priority will be given to applicants with a track record of similar 00s reality TV ratings success, such as the Kardashians, Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino of Jersey Shore, Paris Hilton and Steve-O.

Not Iranian

Iranians are difficult to deal with, insisting on speaking a non-English language while holding allegiance to a country which is not America. They’ve had their chance. Instead white candidates from Anglophone countries will be favoured, especially if clean-shaven, wearing suits, and hailing from Texas-based oil dynasties.

Extensive knowledge of classic Wrestlemania

Trump often finds, when discussing the Middle East, that his mind wanders to 80s wrestler The Iron Sheik who was in fact Iranian. He then continues to discuss his own appearance in the ‘Battle of the Billionaires’ at Wrestlemania 23, which Trump won. Anyone familiar with these events who can use them to steer discussion back to geopolitics is welcomed.

Happy to be known as ‘the Donald J Trump Supreme Leader of Iran’

Branding is everything in politics, and the president does not appreciate rivals attempting to make their names known. The successful applicant will sign away all rights to their own name and identity on taking office and will instead bear the above appellation throughout, even when overthrown and executed in a football stadium.

No pay or benefits

Healthcare, security in employment, pensions or working rights are not, and have never been, part of Trump’s vision for the world. The contract for this position will not therefore include any. The successful candidate is encouraged to take advantage of all opportunities to loot wealth and stash it in offshore accounts, as are the current US cabinet.

Social media is a vital part of young peoples life’s nowadays. In the future we will need to know technology to get a job. If your boss tells you to watch TikTok and you don’t know what that is, you’ll get the sack. Thats just the Real World.

In any case AI will have taken all the jobs and its all vibe coding now. What point am I making here? Dunno.

Social media is also important for our education. I’m reading comments on Insta all day and thats learning me good spelling. It would be wrong to deprive us of such a voluble learning resauce.

Anyway its like totally addictive so we can’t stop using it if we wanted to. Is that actually more of a bad thing about it? I don’t know because at school I’m usually on Snapchat instead of learning how to construct an argument. The Government needs to do something about that. 

Also banning me off social media would be wrong because its how young people communicate these days, you feel me? I mean, yeah, mostly we just put emojis next to videos, but sometimes we really open up emotionally and use a sad face.

Of course theres harmful content out there, but you can just make it illegal with a law. Someone made a fake nude of a girl in my form group, and I’m like totally against that. Its wrong to compare ordinary women to professional porn stars with much better tits.

So after reading the arguments I’ve done here, I think you’ll agree we must not ban under-16s from social media. Even if its just so we stay online in our bedrooms rather than talking to you about our clueless bullshit.

EsDeeKid

Topping today’s charts is this balaclava-clad council estate resident, suggesting British rap could be dominating the world if we’d just got Jeremy Kyle guests to produce music. The rumour about him being Timothée Chalamet’s alter ego has done a lot for his profile, but it suggests a weird internet mystery fuelled by TikTok morons is more interesting than his music. You’d be inclined to agree.

Benson Boone

The appeal of X Factor novelties can wear off quickly – these days Rhydian and Wagner feel like a fever dream that’s thankfully ended. However across the pond they insist talent show embarrassments are still in demand, and so we have to hear this weasel missing its balls on the radio whether we like it or not. It seems the future is American Idol show tune-core, when we should have cut our losses with Kelly Clarkson.

PinkPantheress

ICYMI: a singer talks over a better Underworld track, wears a lot of tartan, and is generally kitsch. Ms Pantheress tricked the BRIT Awards into thinking she’s our best producer by opening up GarageBand on her iPhone, the equivalent of hitting the irritating DJ keyboard button in music class. The band Klaxons similarly impressed the BRITs before disappearing entirely; let’s hope the same doesn’t happen to her. Or not.

Lola Young

It’s easy to hate products of the BRIT school, especially if you unfairly include this artist’s family connection to the person responsible for the bloody Gruffalo. Lola is noted for saying ‘f**king’ too much, like Gordon Ramsay trapped inside a genre-bending pop-indie hopeful. Whatever’s happening here, it’s perfectly ignorable, even making us wish fellow BRIT annoyances Rizzle Kicks would return. Oh, wait.

Sleep Token

An odd mix of metal, R&B and ambient, all mushed together while wearing scary masks. Hard to describe, but imagine you’re having a sex dream about Slipknot with R Kelly providing the mood music. Metal has always been for losers on the fringes of society, who’ve clearly been starved of embarrassing bands like Iron Maiden for too long and have now latched onto these crooning chancers. Suddenly your old Def Leppard CDs don’t seem so uncool.

sombr

Some musicians appear out of thin air, and sombr suddenly mysteriously appeared on Gen Z social media with the sort of vapid pop only liked by a River Island employee. Once you reach adulthood, sombr’s horny teenager shtick has little relevance, unless you’re looking for a middle-aged crush. For that purpose, brooding, high-cheekboned, 20-year-old sombr is excellent. 

Djo

With Tame Impala busy up his own arse missing award ceremonies and thinking he’s a rave godfather, there’s luckily a boring and smug arsehole trying to replicate him. Joe Keery has effortlessly and unfairly tripped into a music career thanks to starring in Stranger Things. Sadly it suggests we’re finally accepting that actors-turned-musicians are all we have left. You’d think we’d have learned our lesson from Bruce Willis.

The parents of six-year-old Noah Bishop are treating the bereavement as a gentle introduction to mortality before he faces the more devastating prospect of the death of Felix.

His father Martin said: “Obviously it’s been very sad, what with my mum dying and everything. But it’s also turned out to be quite useful.

“Felix is going to die one day, and we’ve been really worried about how Noah will cope. Thankfully he’s had a practice run with his nan.

“In grief terms it’s like her death was an emotional starter and the cat’s will be the main course.”

While many families take a different approach to explaining death to their children, the Bishops believe their tragic loss has worked out quite well.

Mum Eleanor said: “Frankly, Thomas hated visiting his grandma. He thought she was boring and said her house smelled funny. But he absolutely adores that cat.

“I’m just relieved this happened in the right order. Not having to visit the old bat’s stinky bungalow is just a bonus.”

Clear the back bedroom

Have you got a largely unused back bedroom, some black mould in corners, that you can open up for an ex-resident of Dubai’s exclusive Il Primo tower? Stack cardboard boxes in a corner as a reminder of their former home and change the sheets if the cat’s been sleeping on them. Leave the exercise bike there, like the gym they used to have.

Secure them a job

Used to a busy lifestyle of maintaining their tax affairs in Dubai, they won’t want to be idle. So get them a minimum-wage evening-and-weekend-shifts position at the local Spar, which will provide not only the dignity of work but a wage and uniform. They’re used to being up late anyway to avoid the punishing desert heat, so it dovetails perfectly.

Provide social opportunities

There may not be 83rd floor cigar bars overlooking the glittering city, but Warrington can provide the same thrills; there’s a flat-roofed pub on the estate which has a lock-in where you can smoke, Jorden hasn’t got a Lamborghini supercar but he has got a pretty modded-up Golf, and Preston Brook Wharf is a lot like Dubai Marina if you’ve had a few.

Substitute leisure activities

Sadly their days of quad-biking around the desert at the weekend are over, but the dunes at Blyth aren’t dissimilar and a stolen BMX can usually be bought for less than £30. And while camels are unavailable, a side-hustle walking rescued greyhounds and picking up their shit will unavoidably remind them of when they used to have disposable income.

Provide their favourite foods

Accustomed to luxury, an approximation of the same can be obtained from any branch of Home Bargains. Snap up bars of Dubai chocolate from the reduced section, get a frozen microwave curry to simulate the dining experience of the Michelin-starred Tresind Studio, and for dessert? Spray a meringue gold with Halfords Gold Metallic Car Spray Paint.

Impose extreme restrictions on free speech

One aspect of Dubai living your guests will certainly miss is not being allowed to criticise their hosts on pain of imprisonment. Reproduce this by threatening to beat the living shit out of them if they dare utter a single word of complaint about their circumstances. Their cringing smiles of fear will really give them – and you – that wonderful Dubai feeling.

Despite having only been on three dates, potential partners Jack Browne and Lauren Hewitt have already discussed the highlights of their respective lives and now have nothing of interest left to say to each other.

Browne said: “I thought my horizon-expanding trip to Japan would sustain at least a few months of dates. But Lauren’s already glazing over when I talk about riding the Shinkansen to Buddhist temples.

“The time I ran a marathon? Blown on the first date. As was the tale of when I thought I’d won the lottery. I should have known to keep something gripping in reserve, but I was just so pathetically desperate to maintain her attention.

“Now all I’ve got left to discuss is what happened to me during my actual daily life, which is boring as f**k. I’ll save Lauren the hassle of ghosting me by dumping her now.”

Hewitt said: “Jack’s being hasty, we can create our own fun stories. They’ll bring us closer together and when we break up we’ll have something to tell our next dates about.”

Stupider names for soldiers 

You may have noticed that I call our guys ‘warfighters’ because ‘soldiers’ isn’t macho enough. However I feel we could come up with something even more aggressive, like ‘totally badass death reapers’. I don’t think that will undermine the gravity of the situation.

Testosterone injections 

Testosterone builds the muscles and erratic behaviour men need, so I’m making all our warfighters inject themselves daily with 40 times the amount of testosterone produced by the average 17-year-old. Their levels of aggression are excellent, although we are having problems with pilots missing targets due to masturbating during bombing runs.

More war clichés

I’ve already said ‘War is hell’ and it felt great. Soon I intend to say ‘The only good Iranian is a dead Iranian’ and I’m currently authorising the use of napalm on civilian targets so I can say ‘I love the smell of napalm in the morning’. And yes, I will be shirtless to show off my supposedly ripped torso which actually has weird flabby bits.

More pull-ups 

Pull-ups are the true measure of your worth as a man. I can do 50 with ease, and all military personnel will be expected to be able to do the same. All those YouTube videos of me desperately struggling to to get my chin anywhere near the bar are fake news.

Military funerals to celebrate war more

As I’ve already explained, death is inevitable in war, so stop hassling me about it. I also feel that sad military funerals are bad PR, so let’s make them a celebration of US military might. The pastor can give the service from the cockpit of an F-35 parked next to the grave, and as the coffin is lowered into the ground everyone can rock out to Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone.

No more pussy ‘facts’

Real men rely on their instincts and refuse to get bogged down in sissy details like ‘facts’. Yesterday I claimed an Iranian guy had tried to assassinate Trump but strangely no one had heard of it until then. Was that a lie? It doesn’t matter now we’re not doing facts anymore.

All warfighters to get cool names

In films military personnel have macho nicknames like Mad Dog, Animal Mother and Hangman, but in real life they’re just called Gary and John. So as of today all warfighters will have their names legally changed to something tougher-sounding. From now on I’d thank you to call me Iceman Maverick.

Donna Sheridan, Uber driver: “Because spring doesn’t begin until the vernal equinox on March 20th. She stood up and lied to the public. Lied right to our f**king faces.”

Norman Steele, parking attendant: “A million young people out of work. Can we get them all together for a cross-Britain game of British Bulldog? It’s always popular at Scouts.”

Nathan Muir, insurance salesman: “Sickeningly weak growth. Downgraded from 1.4 per cent to 1.1 per cent? What is this, my erection?”

Jordan Gardner, picture straightener: “Apparently she’s using the tax take to pay off Tory debts. Idiotic. We should simply stamp the bills ‘not at this address’ when they come through, denying all knowledge.”

Helen Archer, lepidopterist: “A million more pensioners are paying income tax. Where are they going to get it from? They can’t all be on OnlyFans.”

America wins part one: airstrikes

In this stage, America wins because it is destroying Iranian military capabilities with hundreds of millions of dollars of missiles, as a winner would do. This also proves America is strong because it does what Israel wants it to.

America wins part two: Iran retaliates

Iran’s retaliation, sending thousands of missiles to strike neighbouring states allied with America, is a win for America because no American targets are hit. Trump was therefore right to begin this risk-free war.

America wins part three: more airstrikes

It is necessary to be resolute and stay the course in war, and Trump is prepared to do so for however many weeks it takes providing they do not exceed five.

America wins part four: Iran closes Straits of Hormuz

Unfortunately, being physically within the Gulf region and not on a different continent an ocean away gives Iran certain military advantages. These will only raise the price of oil, destabilise the global order and cause massive economic shocks, so can be discounted.

America wins part five: Trump announces win

Nothing is real until announced by Trump, so his declaration when meeting press that America is winning so much it has broken into a hitherto unknown realm of winning called The Winworld means this is now established fact.

America wins part six: Other countries exhorted to join in the win

The US, like its president, would never be selfish about its wins. So other nations, whether Iran’s neighbours or European powers, are invited to join in the win by defending their own bases, shipping lanes or sovereign territory in perpetuity.

America wins part seven: America walks away

Win secured, why would America hang around? There’s only so much glory to bask in. So, after an amazing few weeks of winning, the US withdraws all troops, ships and air support and goes home. Enjoy the win, everyone. No complaining now.

The UK has agreed that the Lib Dem leader, a charismatic, balding firebrand with bulldog features who would be the nation’s first choice as prime minister in times of war, is without doubt the Churchill for our time and expects Trump to announce that shortly.

Bill McKay of Ealing said: “I’ve never seen Ed Davey puffing away on a comically large cigar, but I can certainly imagine it. An exploding one, knowing him.

“You can see in every pratfall he takes off a paddleboard that he has the makings of a great military leader who would inspire the nation with stirring speeches. Then trip over his own feet, tumble down a spiral staircase and leap triumphantly up, unharmed.”

Retail worker Nikki Hollis said: “If I trust anyone to lead this country through dark times, it’s Davey. No doubt he’s dogged by depression and a heavy drinker but valiantly fights through it by going down waterslides.

“It’s absurd his face isn’t on banknotes already. Does he really need to prove himself by saving the Western world from tyranny? Feels like a needless formality at this point.”

Boris Johnson said: “I based my career, nay, my entire identity on Ed Davey. Although next to him I am but a pale imitation.”

The Institute of Studies found that online presentations, without any need for attendees to participate or turn cameras and microphones, are incredibly productive in the sense of getting the washing hung out, the dog brushed and the grouting deep-cleaning.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It is a basic human urge to f**k about doing stuff when someone is talking, especially if they’re talking about work.

“A webinar? Our research shows that this time, when an employee is least engaged in work, is often their most productive hour of the day.

“Not for employers, no, but in terms of folding washing, trimming nosehair and applying beauty treatments, it’s really getting tasks ticked off. And over half those surveyed found they still had a rudimentary, one-line understanding of what the webinar was about.”

Hybrid worker Joshua Hudson said added: “I did all the paperwork for my recent house move during a webinar about data-centred analysis of retail park footfall in the West Midlands. It’s saved me hours I can now spend drinking alone.

“If they ever make me have my camera on, I’m leaving the company.”

Webinar host Oliver O’Connor said: “I know nobody’s listening. I pop on a recording of myself back from when I still had hope and get on with weeding the garden.”

Say ‘Nelson must be spinning in his grave’

Yes, our greatest admiral must be rotating like a centrifuge. Or it’s possible that a brilliant naval tactician who allied with Prussia and Russia would have accepted that geopolitical allegiances change over time and not give a shit.

Watch Sink the Bismarck!

Cleanse your palate of the bitter taste of humiliation with a film about a decisive British naval victory. Sink the Bismarck! does what it says on the tin, but frankly any classic war film where the Brits win will lift your spirits. Zulu is a particular favourite, for reasons you don’t say out loud.

Remember French failures

They were useless in two world wars and Dien Bien Phu, but it doesn’t stop with the military. Has anyone ever had a pleasant journey in a 2CV? Was Brigitte Bardot ever as fit as Jenny Agutter or Diana Rigg? We invented the jet engine and the internet. All the frogs managed was the hair dryer.

Take revenge

The healthiest way to deal with your emotions is petty revenge. Chose a Gallic target such as Café Rouge, order a croque monsieur and leave without paying. Not so superior now, are we Macron?

Watch for health red flags

Monitor your health while you monitor this debacle. If GB News is giving you the worst headache of your life, change channels because that’s an aneurysm. If it’s chest pains and dizziness, that’s a heart attack. Switch to something calming like Antiques Road Trip. Remember, your country needs you.

Say ‘This wouldn’t have happened with Farage in charge!’

Reassure yourself that Britain won’t be humiliated like this when your French-named hero with his French girlfriend is in power restoring the British navy to its full imperial glory. Ignore that he can’t even win a by-election.

Cheer if the French bugger it up 

There’s nothing like a bit of schadenfreude, even if that’s German, so celebrate if the French fail and Cyprus is hit by more drones. Sure, it puts British personnel at risk, but any true patriot agrees sneering at foreigners is the most important thing.

LOOK, I’m no Labour supporter. Starmer? More like f**king Stalin as far as I’m concerned. So I hate to say it but I’m with the twat on not leaping into this war. 

I know, I know, it’s giving a terrorist regime the scrap they’ve been asking for, it’s Trump showing the libs you can act and not just bang on, Israel’s well up for the ruck, it should be totally my thing. 

The Tories are into it, cause Kemi needs an outlet for her aggression. Farage loves it because it’s war as it should be fought, against foreigners with minimal UK casualties. 

But weirdly, I’m not feeling this one. I think it’s Iraq. You know, what with it being so similar in name to Iran, and right next door, and the fact that we spent 20 f**king years there at a cost of millions and achieved precisely f**k all. 

In fact, are we still there? I know we pulled out of Afghanistan not long ago after a couple of decades of war and it went right back to how it was within, like, days. Which suggests it was a total waste of our time, bullets and Prince Harry. 

And admittedly I watch a lot of YouTube videos about historic tank battles to relax, but planning is a big thing in war. Generals really sit down with maps and go through variables. Whereas Trump seems to have pulled this whole thing out of his arse. 

I get it. Starmer’s a coward. A drone exploded in Cyprus so load up the battleships and get balls-deep into war. The lads on Raise the Colours are unequivocal. 

Let’s just, you know, sit this one out for a bit. See how it goes. Wouldn’t do us any harm to skip one like we did Vietnam. I’m with Keir on this. But bollocks am I voting for him.