Kate completed the challenge of summiting the three highest mountains in Scotland, England and Wales and described not being whined at by her children or husband for a whole day as the ‘most fulfilling experience of her life.’

The 44-year-old said: “It’s settled. I’m a climber now. They can’t get me up here.

“I considered a marathon, but Wills said they’d be there to cheer me on every step of the way so I immediately decided ‘f**k that’.

“Instead, in the name of charity or some shit, I shall be climbing every mountain in Scotland exceeding 3,000ft in height. Where I will encounter only taciturn men swathed in Gore-Tex also up here to avoid their families.

“God, the peace of standing on that peak, gazing at the horizon, thinking ‘Even if Louis wanted a biscuit or my husband wanted to bitch about his brother, it would be nine hours before they could get up here to tell me.’ It’s the greatest feeling in the world.”

Prince William said: “Wouldn’t it be nice to all surprise Mummy in a helicopter?”

Have you ever played tennis?

A) Not since primary school, where 80 per cent of the time was spent retrieving the ball. But it’s hitting a ball, how hard can it be?
B) Yes. I was a child prodigy who started playing at the age of four. Come at me.

Do you know the rules?

A) Er, get the ball over the net, keep it within the lines, don’t twat the umpire. That’s pretty much it, right?
B) Of course. You don’t win the women’s singles in 2002 if you don’t know that ‘love’ is tennis-speak for ‘zero’.

What is your current world ranking?

A) Christ, no idea. Probably, what, four billionth? Let’s just say I’m a wildcard entry.
B) I forget. Once you’re the only player to accomplish a Career Gold Slam across singles and doubles you stop bothering to keep track.

Do you currently have a sporting injury?

A) Not yet. But I haven’t done any exercise since year 11 PE, so even warming up could kill me.
B) Even if I did, it wouldn’t stop me. I am a formidable tennis-playing machine who’s more likely to injure other people with my 128.6 mph serves.

Can you be in Wimbledon until July 12th?

A) It’s a bit short notice. But with three and a half million in prize money up for grabs, it’s worth pulling a big sickie.
B) I’m already there. I’m playing Maya Joint shortly. Watch and learn, bitches.

Answers

Mostly As: You are grossly underqualified and even attempting to lift a racket could lose you the game. However there’s nothing the British public likes more than cheering on an underdog, so can you get to Centre Court by 1.45pm?

Mostly Bs: You cannot represent Britain at Wimbledon because you are American tennis player Serena Williams. Even if you pass a citizenship test in the next couple of hours you still wouldn’t be able to qualify. Shame, really, we could use a player like you now our only good ones are injured or retired.

A two-nil victory against Panama by what has become a two-man team means England play Congo on Wednesday, no matter how much everyone involved wishes they would not.

Fan Joanna Kramer said: “I have to watch it, because it means I get to leave work early. But I promise you this, England: I will be on my phone throughout.

“It’s clear the players wish they were. Every pass says ‘if we keep doing this, it’ll soon be over’. No-one much fancies trying to break up a defence, or scoring a goal, or playing football. The average American is more enthused about this game than them, and they couldn’t give a shit.

“It’s not the scoreline. You can have a thrilling 0-0, as Colombia-Portugal proved. It’s the sheer reluctance to engage in football that’s making me envy Scotland fans because at least it’s all over for them.”

Fan Steve Malley agreed: “You know when you see 40-year-olds playing in the park, red-faced and breathless, coming to blows about an offside call? England could use their passion and commitment.

“I see we’ve made it to the easy side of the draw. Oh good. Now we can joylessly limp all the way to the quarter-finals.”

Today? Your child is being taught algebra by a man called Kai who says ‘Okay besties, let’s cook on these equations.’ Struggling with the transition? Follow these steps:

Learn their language

When Arya says your son ‘ate’ on his Maths test, resist the temptation to ask if he used the paper as a plate for his Wagon Wheel. Instead, nod gravely and reply ‘iconic’. This establishes you as an ally. Continue to play along when Ofsted are described as ‘toxic’, PE class as having ‘chaotic energy’ and the end-of-year report reads ‘no notes’.

Don’t stress over how they look

Accept that your offspring is in the care of someone whose judgement has led them to sport a mullet and one earring. Which goes for both men and women. Do not mention the men having wispy moustaches that makes them resemble the police at the Iranian Embassy siege, or admit you remember that from the first time round.

Accept that every lesson has aesthetic branding

Gone is ‘History’. That would be ‘mid’. Today’s pupils enjoy immersive educational experiences such as Caesarcore and Tudor Vibes. When your child comes home claiming Queen Elizabeth was ‘problematic but we stan’, the system is working exactly as intended.

Brace yourself for parents’ evening

Traditional parents’ evenings featured painful chairs, constantly ringing bells and an air of quiet disappointment. The modern version is a Zoom call with a hungover 24-year-old who says your daughter has ‘main character energy’ before explaining she’s failed every mock. Suggesting she could try harder would be damaging to her mental health.

Ignore their Instagram presence

Teachers once kept their personal lives, and indeed their first names, private. Today’s educational professionals maintain an account called ‘Miss Rizz Teaches’ with 84k followers. Every lesson begins with a ring light. Every assembly is crafted for content. Your child is visible in a viral video captioned ‘POV: The year 9s are feral today’.

Remember, they are actual adults

Yes, they look twelve. Yes, they use the word ‘slay’ in evaluations and regard a Stanley cup as essential classroom equipment. But they have a teaching qualification, can operate the interactive whiteboard without recourse to IT, and take your children off your hands for six hours a day. Remember lockdown. You cannot do that again.

Millions who posted ‘The climate emergency is the defining issue of our age’ on social media last week have now turned to other pressing issues, such as using AI to find cheaper long-haul flights for an October break.

Climate scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “As soon as temperatures drop to  18 degrees, the mass conscious shifts from ‘we’re destroying my planet’ to ‘should I wear a jacket out?’ The first crisp morning triggers complete memory loss.

“32 degrees is a ‘terrifying glimpse of the future’, while 21 is ‘hope it lasts’. By October, attention will have returned to the truly pressing issues of whether it’s too early to put the heating on, energy costs and why it’s already dark at 5pm.

“Meanwhile, politicians who spent June promising urgent action are expected to announce a consultation into exploring a roadmap for a white paper on long-term strategy, to be published after the next heatwave. It’s the most predictable weather cycle of all.

“The British public has two climate settings. If it’s hot, they say civilisation is ending. If it’s cold, they ask whatever happened to global warming and complain it’s a disappointing summer.

“The transition between the two takes approximately one cardigan. Or a pashmina if you’re posh.”

Mystic Nikki Hollis shocked Fran Johnson by revealing, on no more than a turn of the nine of swords, that Fran is actually concealing terrible anxieties and fears which she thought were known only to her.

Fran said: “People say tarot is nonsense, but how else could Nikki have known I’m desperate and feel I have nowhere else to turn?

“She told me that I struggle to maintain romantic relationships – true – that I haven’t been able to hold down a proper job – true – and that I often turn to drink when I’ve had a bad day. And I’m so good at concealing that, especially from my dates.

“My cards were the ten of wands, the five of pentacles and the empress, which together reveal that to find true happiness I need to stop f**king men from the apps, quit weekday wine and start taking care of myself, both mentally and physically.

“Now tell me how else would she have known that? She couldn’t possibly have. Also somehow the cards were able to intuit that I, a 32-year-old woman, secretly yearned for a mortgage and a baby.”

Hollis said: “The cards are such an incredible divination tool. Amazing how frequently they divine that getting smashed on white wine spritzers and going on 2am Vinted sprees isn’t a viable future.”

Margaret Gerving, retired: “Nationalised Thames Water then spunked in it.”

Emma Bradford, carpet fitter: “Gave me a proper, no-nonsense, Northern seeing-to. But then afterwards when he took off his glasses his nose came off with them.”

Thom Logan, vehicle restorer: “Slowly undressed me while whispering filthily about relaxing fiscal constraints and excluding defence spending from the debt brake, freeing borrowing to modernise the armed forces. Same as every other Grindr f**kboi.”

Helen Archer, phlebotomist: “Burnham, Farage, Ed Davey; it doesn’t matter who’s in my wet dreams, I can’t recognise them under the clown make-up.”

James Bates, Vinted reseller: “Nice change to have a Northern voice providing constant, withering critique of how badly I’m banging Holly Willoughby. With Starmer it was like I was being belittled by a robot.”

Though not revealed in the trailer, the bulk of the film is a debate between Superman and his cousin Supergirl about whether they have the right to condemn their people to extinction just because the thought of doing it gives them the ick.

Movie reviewer Tom Booker says: “Superman presents a strong argument for procreation, saying that ethically they owe their people the chance to live again, citing all the good he has done for humanity and which their descendants could further.

“Kara replies that what if mingling their related genetic material creates a monstrous superbaby, who would the next generation have kids with anyway, and also ew.

“Superman counters with their moral duty to provide Earth with protectors and says yes, they would need to do it the old-fashioned way because his super-sperm would shatter any test tube.

“She says what about Lois Lane and Superman says Lois doesn’t have to know. Then blows it completely by suggesting she could work up to it by giving him a handy.”

Fan Oliver O’Connor said: “Finally a relatable superhero film with conversations like those we’ve all had in real life.”

Well-rested irritant Nathan Muir breezed into work visibly full of energy and is currently telling anyone who will listen that despite the heatwave he slept effortlessly all the way through until morning.

He said: “I just drew the curtains and left the fan running all evening. Simples, really.

“I was so comfortable I fell asleep within seconds of my head hitting the pillow. In fact I’d completely forgotten that it was 32 degrees at 11pm. Which is incredible because that’s a horrific temperature.

“I’m so glad I wasn’t tossing and turning all night, and my sheets stayed nice and clean because I wasn’t sweating. I think I stirred once to pull my duvet up because I was starting to get a little chilly, but that’s about it. 

“If anything I slept too well. I was in such a deep slumber that my alarm almost didn’t wake me up. Hopefully I’ll get a little less kip tonight.”

Muir’s colleague Emma Bradford said: “I had a toddler as well as the heat keeping me up. I should be allowed to put Nathan to sleep forever.”

Trump supporter Jordan Gardner of North Carolina cannot wait to find out if Europe is as poor, backwards, filthy and full of dumb, ugly liberals as his friends online tell him it is.

He said: “I land in Londonistan at 4pm, and I’m hoping to get my phone snatched by illegals on motor scooters by 4.45pm at the latest.

“I’ve made sure to book into a hotel without air conditioning, which the asshole limeys have never even heard of, and then I’ll go to a ‘pub’ where the beer will be warm and Millwall fans will ‘boot my nut in’ when I tell them their sport is gay. Looking forward to it!

“After that I go to France, where they don’t even speak goddamn English, and Germany where they’d be speaking German if it wasn’t for us. I’ll see the Eiffel Tower which isn’t as tall as Freedom Tower, the Mona Lisa which sucks, and I’ll knock down the Berlin Wall.

“During all of that I hope to be mugged, drugged and if possible sodomised by Islamic invaders who’ve taken over the continent and turned it into a cesspit. I’ve scheduled that as a livestream.

“Finally, I’ll turn down all socialist healthcare, drag my broken, bleeding, overheated body onto a flight home, arrive in the wonderful 64ºF US and attend the US Semiquincentennial grateful I was smart enough to be born American. I hope Trump rambles.”

So what’s the problem again?

It’s all down to a thing called ‘fire’, which has a surprising tendency to ‘spread’ and burn things you weren’t trying to cook, such as fields, fences and your house. Curse those irresponsible barbecue manufacturers for putting deadly fire in them.

Can I use a disposable barbecue in the car?

Technically, yes. The barbecue can definitely be ignited on the back seat of a moving car, but most people choose not to because it’s mental and you might die horribly in a burning vehicle. If that’s too complicated a scenario for you to grasp, don’t do it because your sausages will keep rolling off and getting fluff on them.

Are they safe for my dog to use?

Not really. Dogs are likely to drool on the barbecue tongs and have a poor understanding of food hygiene generally. Why are you asking this?

Can I use it to dry my hair?

You probably could get your hair quite dry over a barbecue, but there’s a risk of burns and smoke inhalation, not to mention the huge amount of faff. That said, disposable barbecues are £5 cheaper than the cheapest hairdryer on Amazon, so some f**kwit will have tried it.

Where do I dump my barbecue when I’ve finished with it?

You’d think that the moment you’ve rammed your food down your gullet you’d be free to abandon a smouldering BBQ on a crowded beach, in a busy picnic area or in a litter bin full of paper. But strangely you’re expected to safely put out a fire hazard that is entirely your responsibility.

Why should I bother putting it out?

Good question. You’ve realised that putting a barbecue out properly doesn’t directly benefit you personally. We’d try to explain the Golden Rule and the social contract but that will be hard work. Luckily there’s the much simpler concept of ‘you might go to prison and get bummed’ to deter you.

If I forget the burgers can I use a cow from a field?

No, because the cow belongs to a farmer. There are other issues of practicality and basic standards of decency, but let’s keep it idiot-proof and just say Farmer Giles will be angry. Also it’s unlikely that a £4.50 disposable barbecue will cook a 1,200lb cow, unless you like your steak really rare. And horrific.

Can I use it on a garage forecourt?

If you’re peckish on the way to the beach it’s tempting to whip out the barbie and rustle up a burger while you’re filling up with petrol. But it’s generally better to buy a Twix. Just take our word for that.

Employees who are happy to drunkenly socialise for the birthdays and leaving dos of people they barely know have an odd lack of interest in recognising a colleague being good at their job.

Sales executive Tom Booker said: “I think part of the problem is it’s more of a burden than an actual prize. A poisoned chalice, if you will. Except they’re too stingy to give you a chalice.

“You only get ‘preferential’ treatment that would delight the worst sort of corporate drone, like being asked your opinion on shitty work strategies and having the boss sit on the edge of your desk asking which minion is deserving enough to be the next recipient.

“The unlucky winner gets their fake, smiley ‘Meet the team’ webpage photo plastered on the wall in the corridor leading to the toilets. You also get a tacky trophy with a gold briefcase on top for a month. You don’t even get to keep it, not that you’d want to.

“The borderline alcoholics I work with will go for a drink for anything: birthdays, training days, even baby showers. Christ, last month we got pissed to celebrate Darren buying an air fryer. But employee of the month never results in going to the pub. It’s weird.” 

Office manager Martin Bishop said: “Now you mention it, it is strange that our office never celebrates employee of the month. But I think we can put that down to them usually being a loathsome, arselicking little crawler.

“That’s not a criticism, by the way.”

All fans must stay sober for four days

Whether in Miami, Motherwell or the area around King’s Cross station, all Scotland fans are tasked with taking not a sip of drink before Sunday’s final group games to prove theirs is a serious sporting endeavour and not just an excuse to annihilate themselves with alcohol. And no other substances, either. That means you, Mark Renton.

Australia to lose, Ecuador to draw, Egypt to win, Senegal vs Iraq to end in marriage

Nine results must fall exactly Scotland’s way for three points and a goal difference of minus three to qualify them for the second round. It’s an accumulator only a hopeless, broken nation whose rare historical victories have been against all odds could believe in, so north of the border it’s considered a certainty.

Nicola Sturgeon to conclusively prove her innocence

FIFA have specified that, as an organisation free of even the slightest whiff of corruption, Scotland’s former first minister must demonstrate beyond all reasonable doubt she knew nothing of the origin of the pens she wrote with, the handbag she carried and the necklace she wore. A full explanation to be submitted by post by midnight tomorrow.

At least eight new inventions

Scots invented television, the telephone, the steam engine, pneumatic tyres and the Dandy. But where’s the spirit of invention gone? What have they invented recently apart from the deep-fried Mars bar? If they can return to their innovative ways and deliver eight new technological innovations before 9am on Sunday, the next round is assured.

Great Birnam Wood to come to Dunsinane

As a nation, Scotland used to be able to come together and relocate woodland. But today their country is covered in pine forests and there are virtually none down south where their shade would fall on actual people. Shifting one first to Dunsinane and then to Deptford would ensure their application to progress would be treated favourably.

Renounce independence forever

The Scottish urge for independence has caused an awful lot of trouble in recent years. It’s divided neighbours, convinced David Cameron he could win any referendum he cared to hold, and put temptation in Peter Murrell’s way. Renouncing it once and for all would all but ensure Scotland got through and are beaten six-nil by Germany next week.

Joe Biden

It’s likely 83-year-old Biden donned dark clothing, evaded security and hacked a 350-foot slit in the thick, rubberised pool lining. The slit has got progressively longer in Trump’s accounts, so ‘Sleepy Joe’ clearly made several visits.

That guy in the red t-shirt

The man in question, Christian Miles, wasn’t seen damaging the pool, but he did swear at the police while being arrested, which all lawyers will agree is the same as a signed confession.

Barack Obama 

Obama is consumed by jealousy of Trump, who is smarter, more popular and not incontinent. The ex-president probably avoided being recognised by the many members of the public at the pool by wearing sunglasses. Being executed for treason would be a welcome end to him constantly projecting his own failings onto Trump in a transparent, pathetic way.

Bad Bunny 

The rapper is clearly bitter about Trump saying ‘Nobody understands a word this guy is saying’ after his all-Spanish Superbowl set. But it was another pinpoint-accurate criticism by the president: it is impossible to enjoy music if some of the words are unclear.

A journalist 

A reporter was seen reaching into the green water and touching an area of lining that was flapping about. This professional journalist then ignored the risk to his well-paid TV career and vandalised the pool to get the same story he had just filmed.

The radical left

This shadowy movement opposes Trump so often and in so many locations it is impossible to arrest an actual member. As Trump has explained, they are highly organised and have vast resources, which they use to make neat placards for demonstrations. Therefore it is likely they used their cash and know-how to evade the pool’s 24/7 surveillance by wearing invisible stealth suits.

Volodymyr Zelenskyy 

Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s mission in life is to steal money from America and wage war on his long-suffering neighbour Putin. His ungrateful vandalism of the reflecting pool is clear evidence that all aid to Ukraine must stop. And be given to Russia.

Melania

Tragically, Trump has realised that the beautiful wife he worshipped for decades may be a scheming whore trying to blame him for her friendship with Epstein. Why would she vandalise the pool? So she could claim it was blue and gaslight Donald into doubting his superb mental faculties.

Hillary Clinton

As someone with no qualms about sucking adrenochrome out of babies in Satanic rituals, gouging a huge hole in America’s most beautiful monument would not trouble ‘Killary’. Being 78 years old would present no obstacle because she would simply use witchcraft.

Britain invented heatwaves in 1976

Before then everyone would sit shivering in their homes all year, whiling away the evenings by watching frost spread across their windows. The Continent had sunny spells here and there, but it needed pioneering British inventors to come up with the idea of insufferable heat that leads to fatalities. And look at heatwaves now, they’re all the rage. You’re welcome, the world.

You can tell your boss to f**k off if it hits 40C

Just as schools close and trains grind to a halt if it gets too hot, your manners have a breaking point too. Once the mercury shoots up to 40C, workers are legally entitled to tell their boss where to go with the most expletive-laden sentences possible. You don’t even need to be talking to them; you can just come out with it unprompted and if they complain you get compensation.

Attractive people can get naked in public

Even baggy clothing can feel restrictive during extreme heat. But if you’re lucky enough to be considered an 8 or above, you’re free to strip off anywhere you like and feel the cool, refreshing air on your nubile skin. The unattractive Morlocks of society can’t complain, though. They’re welcome to scuttle off to caves and sewers for shade, which will feel like home to them.

They’re good for the economy

Heatwaves may lead to droughts and hosepipe bans, but they’re not all bad. If they drag on, they prompt everyone to buy a cheap shit fan from Amazon or Argos. £8.99 may not sound like much, but multiply it by tens of millions of sweaty bastards and suddenly the country is getting a massive cash injection. None of which will go towards reversing climate change.

Heatwaves are measured in Jesus Christs uttered per minute

Just as the strength of an earthquake can be determined by the destruction it causes, heatwaves are measured by the number of exasperated ‘Jesus Christs’ spoken per minute under the breath of office workers. This week has already approached the European level of 38, but bear in mind it’s only June. By July this record should be in the triple digits.

The incoming prime minister is negotiating with luminaries including Guy Chadwick from The House of Love and Andy Bell from Ride about taking key posts so he truly has the greatest assemblage of fringes that Britain has to offer.

He said: “For too long we’ve had prime ministers too easily swayed by fashion and smooth words. I would never have appointed Peter Mandelson ambassador to the US when Luke Haines of The Auteurs was available.

“I’ve got the brooding stare and black-framed glasses of a natural frontman, but I’m not egotistical enough to believe I can do it alone. I need back-up. That’s why Marr’s in as chancellor and Lee Mavers is foreign secretary. If his name’s not familiar, educate yourself.

“Kevin Shields and his wall of reverb are in defence. The Weddoes are on agriculture, where they’ll get the recognition they deserve. Women and equalities I’ve pencilled in Wendy James, though she’s got a tour of mid-sized provincial venues to finish first.

“Rural affairs? Hmm. Has anyone got a number for Bogshed?”