PEOPLE rave about crisp sandwiches and other stupid food concoctions. If that’s you, here are some to stop wanking on about and eat a normal grown-up meal instead.
WITH prices hitting a 40-year high, guest columnist Rishi Sunak asks if you have considered being extremely rich like him.
INFLATION rampant? Exports dropping? Sterling completely f**ked? Here’s how to discuss it without mentioning the red, white and blue elephant in the room.
SMALL talk is the office go-to for a reason – it avoids you discovering the extent of your colleagues’ awful personalities. Broach these topics at your own risk.
RELATIONSHIPS are largely arguments about chores, not having sex and staying together out of habit. But this out-there shit is the province of true freaks.
A PRESTON North End supporter has stressed his enduring hatred of Blackpool FC has nothing to do with its pioneering out gay player.
NOT content with reclining in the passenger seat while someone else does all the work? Here’s how to be so irritating they drive into a tree.
THERE are so many things we could do to ease the cost-of-living crisis that we will not go f**king near. Conservative MP Denys Finch Hatton explains.
DOWNING Street has set up a TikTok account for the Prime Minister. So which pathetic trends will he be following in an attempt to be popular?
THE government could not be less interested in the cost-of-living crisis. But people keep asking about it, so MP Martin Bishop has some ideas.
IT’S entirely plausible that a dull, play-it-safe type like Keir Starmer would order a chicken korma. Curry aficionado Wayne Hayes explains what politicians’ choices say about them.
KEIR Stamer’s latest underhand move proves he is playing petty politics with police lives and hang on, I’m out of my f**king depth here.
NOTICE me. Please notice me. Have you noticed me yet? Do I have to take some kind of principled idiotic stand or something?
WORRIED you’re losing touch with real life? Take our quiz and find out if you’re quite grounded or talking shite like Tory MP Lee Anderson. Award yourself points as instructed.
BEEN let down? Messed about? Want to give someone an almighty bollocking? Here are five culprits you’re almost brave enough to have a go at.
FOLLOWING the Queen’s failure to deliver her annual address to parliament, Britain is concerned for its Jubilee bank holidays.
EVER wondered which of your deficiencies as a person really seals the deal?
INTELLIGENT life may exist elsewhere in the universe. It may even have visited Earth. But it definitely did not do any of this bullshit.
WERE you saddened to discover that telly wasn’t all soft porn after 9pm? You were probably gutted by these other childhood revelations too.
IT’S supposedly normal to watch porn now, but you’d still prefer not to have a good old chat about it with your partner. Here are some issues you’d rather didn’t come up.
ARE you looking to fritter away your hard-earned cash on pointless, defective goods? Then you no doubt buy these stupid products, writes Northern father Bill McKay.
STRANGELY, certain hobbies have never developed a female following. Here beer festival regular Martin Bishop lists some of the wonderful activities women are missing out on.
TEENAGERS are appropriating the things you loved and claiming they’re ‘vintage’ or ‘retro’. And it’s definitely just to make you feel geriatric. Here are their top olden-days picks.
NO matter how early you get up some bastard has always been up for a whole hour already, it has been confirmed.
READY for 48 blissful work-free hours, only for your mood to crash on realising the implications of the seemingly-innocent phrase you’ve just heard?
A MAN has looked back at his life and concluded that all of the achievements he is proudest of came while playing simulations of managing football teams.
THINK you’re sporty because you once beat your dad at arm-wrestling? No sport you can do after eight pints really counts as a true athletic endeavour.
FOOTBALL fans love nothing more than running their support past the Guardian to check they’re meeting its ethical standards. Where does your club stand?
AN already aggressive child is taking lessons in how to punch and kick people more effectively.
GOING to the races and want to look fancy when your normal attire is trackie bottoms and trainers? Here’s how to dress for Cheltenham on a budget.
YOUR money, your identity and your life are all online, and you’re still using the same password you used on MySpace in 2006. Ignore these tips.
EVERY business trots out varying amounts of spurious bullshit on their website. But which statements are embraced by all marketing teams trying to convince us they aren't evil?
TWITTER obsessives outraged by Elon Musk’s purchase of it wish there was some way they could quit the hellsite ruining their lives.
WHATSAPP can be useful, but it’s just as likely to turn into the bane of your f**king life. Mainly when people do these things...
UNDER the new Highway Code, motorists will be allowed to watch TV while self-driving cars fight crime, it has emerged.
EUROVISION is just around the corner, but how will it go down? As predictably as you expect, so like this:
TIME traveller Doctor Who has admitted he will not by swinging by America pre-1960s quite so often after he regenerates as a black man.
SOME categories of music change your life. Then there are these micro-genres which are not worth bothering your ears with.
A MAN is preparing to see the latest Marvel blockbuster by spending 96 hours rewatching previous films from the franchise.
DO you like music that’s bland and mainstream but motivates you to earn more commission? You may well be an estate agent. Here’s your ultimate playlist.
HAS your dad just spent an evening furiously reminiscing about his youth after a music documentary on BBC Four? Prepare for him to drone on about these ‘classics’.
SMUG twats who piled all their cash into imaginary numbers money are finding out they are not cleverer than the entire world after all.
IN our capitalist label-obsessed society, some brands attract more tosspots, twats and knobheads than others. Avoid anyone devoted to these.
A DRUNK man, noticeably high on cocaine and bellowing about cryptocurrencies in a central London pub, is hoping people are taking his excellent financial advice.
THE budget supposedly benefits the rich at the expense of the ‘poor’. If you can call them that, they’ve got phones, shoes and running water, haven’t they? Anyway, here I explain why more money motivates wealthy people but not the povs.
A BUSINESSMAN from a humble background who built a fortune from scratch wrongly believes his example proves that anyone can be rich.
ARE you paying the absolute maximum possible amount for a Twix, or saving money like a total loser? Spend like a billionaire at these outlets.
EXPLORERS have discovered the world’s first non-toxic workplace, which until now was believed to be a myth.
NOT sure what the changes to National Insurance are all about? Get your head around the basics with this guide.
MY boss is a complete arsehole, ordering me and my colleagues to do things we're not happy about, such as our current works outing to Ukraine.
AN outright pointless Monday meeting did not even contain enough substance to have made it as an email, attendees have confirmed.
CONVERSATIONS with colleagues can be fun, or you may start to suspect you’re being quietly interrogated for nefarious purposes. Here are six questions that should set off alarm bells.
THERE is no greater champion of workers than P&O Ferries, which is why we have championed a new group of workers over our current workers. And there’s more:
ARE you tempted to have a lunchtime drink like some sort of effortlessly cool continental? Here's how reality will shit on your dreams of sophistication.
IT’S hard to believe, but we Brits like a few drinks. However the last thing we want to do is take punishing our livers too seriously. Here’s how to keep terrifying levels of alcohol consumption fun.
YOU'RE drinking tonight, but have you planned your alcohol consumption to create a hangover that will take you out for 24 hours? Follow this guide.
YOU'RE out the pub when a pissed-up stranger, who seems to think he knows you, opens a slurred dialogue. Here's how to cope.
THE drinks are in but the twat who paid for them looks f**king livid. Find out if their rage is your fault.