'It's very jazzy': A phrasebook for the perfect backhanded compliment
WANT to undermine someone’s self-worth, while still sounding like a nice person? Try these phrases.
WANT to brag about your intelligence while showing actual smart people your true idiocy? Try one of these failsafe ways.
A MUM with a vivid imagination has invested so much time in her fantasy offspring that she now prefers them to her actual ones.
A WOMAN who makes dreadful craft items and gives them to friends and family genuinely believes she could make money out it.
BOOZING before midday is an activity that separates the merely convivial from the genuinely alcoholic. Except on these occasions.
THE standard price for a milkshake, regardless of size or quality, is now five f**king pounds.
A MAN is relieved that the argument he is having with his girlfriend over WhatsApp is not being peer-reviewed in another group chat.
TOWNS across the UK are holding traditional summer carnivals which should have died out with the medieval peasants who invented them. Here's why yours will be a huge bag of shite.
A PAIR of male friends making up for not being in touch for several years have not divulged any personal information, it has emerged.
THE police routinely talk up their drug busts and the media never question the boys in blue. But do you suspect they may over-dramatising events? Here’s the reality.
Politics
NIGEL Farage has been seen staggering up provincial high streets carrying duffel bags of banknotes searching for a bank that will accept him.
SUELLA Braverman has found an ideal alternative destination for asylum seekers, the former biological warfare testing ground Anthrax Island.
MATT Hancock has said he understands the ‘negative consequences’ of the pandemic but, on the plus side, he got to have sex with an attractive woman.
I WRITE this with a mixture of mirth and trepidation. Mirth, as I have just read the hilarious yet informative new Daily Mail column about diet pills by Boris Johnson.
A JOURNALIST turning out inflammatory columns for a downmarket rag has woken from a dream where he was briefly prime minister.
YOUR MP, terrified of both an electorate that hates Boris Johnson and the newspapers that love him, will be hiding from a vote today. But where?
Society
ENGLAND loves to include all the nations of the UK in its narrative of patriotic success, but dare piss off the Home Counties and you’ll be instantly disowned.
IS a pregnant friend insisting on showing you their ultrasound scan? Here’s what you should definitely avoid saying.
AS Thames Water approaches collapse, hipster Londoners are paying £220 for reclaimed yew dowsing rods to find and tap wells.
IS it possible to have a wee in a gender neutral toilet without suddenly turning into a lady or getting accused of being a pervert? Surprisingly, yes. Here’s how.
WHENEVER your friend tells you he was shitfaced after drinking eight pints last night, you automatically halve it because he’s a liar. Here’s some more quick maths to get to the truth.
A SOCIAL media detective investigating the Bulley case has found incontrovertible proof that he is an idiotic, insensitive arsehole.
Lifestyle
ACTUAL luxury is unaffordable in Rishi’s Britain unless you’re Rishi. The rest of us have to make do with these minor thrills.
YOUR kids love spending time with you, regardless of the activity, so why not weaponise their naive enthusiasm into useful child labour by making these tasks seem fun?
A WOMAN has racked up the maximum number of likes possible by cramming all the big hitters into one photo, it has emerged.
THE front of you looks halfway decent, but you don’t know what’s going on at the back because you can’t see it. Here’s what you’re unwittingly inflicting on others.
WHETHER beating sun, hammering rain or storms of insects, campers deserve it, Britain has agreed.
A MAN’S trip to the toilet is a huge expanse of time in which monumental events can happen. Including these.
Sport
THE MCC has offered Australia a full apology after remembering that cricket is all the nation has to offer the world.
AN independent report has concluded that cricket is largely played by wanker posh boys and is therefore bad in all the ways that posh wankers are always bad.
FOOTBALL fans in the United Arab Emirates have been told to put their club affiliations aside and back Manchester City to bring it home for Sheikh Mansour tonight.
A FOOTBALL fan acts like his team is a force for moral good rather than a bunch of ruthless mercenaries prepared to bend every rule in order to win.
THIS afternoon’s FA Cup final sees Manchester United face off against their even more evil negative self, Manchester City.
BRITISH, but strutting around in an Inter Milan shirt like you’re something special? Did you know your chosen garment also reveals what kind of twat you are?
Science & Technology
YOU know it’s a scam, and that opening it might unleash a destructive virus on your computer. And yet you just can’t help but click on these.
A WOMAN who has been on a dating app for a single morning has received more interest than any man would in his entire pathetic life.
A MAN has blundered ahead and tried to keep a conversation going despite being sent a smiley face emoji.
A MAN has recreated Apple’s new augmented reality headset on the cheap by drinking eight pints, it has emerged.
BORIS Johnson has failed to hand over crucial WhatsApp messages, but can you blame him? You wouldn’t want these messages on your phone to see the light of day.
TIKTOK prankster Mizzy has been in court for confusing ‘hilarious stunts’ with ‘threatening people’. But he’s not the only TikToker who deserves prosecution. You may be aware of these genres.
Arts & Entertainment
THERE'S so much great literature out there that you’re never going to be arsed to read. Here’s the gist of 15 classic books so you can pretend you have.
THE big twist in the new Indiana Jones film is that Jones himself is the ancient relic possessed of mystical power that everyone is hunting.
KYLIE, Fleetwood Mac and Kate Bush have all found new, young audiences via TikTok. But which ‘legacy artists’ will never be considered cool enough to follow suit?
A NEW play includes clear messages that ‘it is never okay to hit a child’ and ‘bigotry is bad’ to ensure audiences are not offended.
THE Plastic Ono Band’s Give Peace A Chance makes listeners want to punch someone. These political songs are enough to turn anyone against their cause.
THE ‘I’m sorry, what the f**k?’ Wagner mutiny during Glastonbury is just one of the major news events the festival has cursed us with.
Business
AN upcoming cage match between Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk will end in one of the more horrible deaths ever streamed on Facebook.
THE office is already hell if it’s not air-conditioned, but which of your colleagues are earmarked for plum jobs in the pit of the damned?
THE poverty-stricken multinational corporation Amazon once again stands before taxpayers barefoot and in rags, begging for a handout.
NEW legislation threatens to stop landlords running a five-bed in Willesden as if it were North Korea and they Kim Jong-un. Here we answer your landlord queries.
THE animals formerly known as pigs have been legally compelled to change their name and appearance by supreme litigators Percy Pigs.
DISCOUNT hotel chain Travelodge has swapped its ‘Do Not Disturb’ signs for ones warning that the room’s lone occupant is mid-wank.
Work
ARE you a massive sexual pervert? These careers will give you ample opportunity to indulge your seedy tastes under the guise of professionalism.
EMPLOYEES who work from home have completely stripped off in order to stay cool in the heat.
A NEW employee is showing real promise to be the strangest and most unsettling being ever to have set foot in an office.
A MAN wanting to ask a colleague out on a date has spent three days meticulously planning a spontaneous chat.
A WORKPLACE prick is heading to the kitchen to make a hot drink without asking a single colleague if they want one.
THERE is never a good time for a business meeting as they achieve nothing and never have, but these times are worse than others.
Alcohol
YOU are being eyed up by a sexy stranger from across the bar, but do you have what it takes to get them back to yours? Try your luck with our interactive quest.
THE sun is out, drinking six bottles of Sol is necessary if you hope to survive, and these pro-alcohol anthems make it wholly acceptable on a Monday night.
A WOMAN in her early forties with a raging hangover is mortified by the pitiful amount of alcohol that brought it on.
SOARING temperatures mean that popping out of the office for six pints this lunchtime is compulsory behaviour, it has been confirmed.
DRINKING heavily, if you’re British, is not so much a vice as an expectation. Nonetheless there are certain locations it’s a mistake to arrive at already pissed.
EVERY adult should be quaffing a minimum five pints of beer or cider in the sunny weather. Squeeze 96 fluid ounces of booze into your day with this guide.
