THE prime minister has been informed that ‘riding it out’ is doing nothing, does not amount to a plan and he should try again.

IS your home, country or media sphere plagued by Tony Blairs that just won’t go away? Rentokil exterminator Roy Hobbs lists your options for getting rid of the critters.

YOU’RE meeting lots of relatives this Christmas and at least one of them will come out with ‘Boris is trying his best’. Here’s how to reply:

THE price for celebrating Christmas without curbs will be months of hardcore lockdown restrictions starting on Boxing Day.

LORD Frost has resigned as Brexit minister because the reality of the job was ruining the clean, pure, eternally gratifying Brexit of his imagination.

THE UK’s entire population has rejected claims that the latest Downing Street party is a work meeting because it know a piss-up when it sees one.

THE 'Colston Four' being cleared of criminal damage spells the end of our once great country. Here gammon Roy Hobbs explains why.

A COMPLETE and total dickhead actually has big hopes for the coming year.

CHRISTMAS is a time for doing things you’ve done so many times before that you hate them. Here are some traditions you’d love to see the back of.

AN ARTIFICIAL Christmas tree is jealous of real Christmas trees because they are allowed to die.

YULETIDEOLOGISTS have long agreed that 70s Christmases were the best. This judgement by men in their late 50s is objective fact. Here’s why.

YOUR parents’ house cannot accommodate you, your sister, your brother, his wife and their kids, so you’re sleeping on one of these.

TEENAGERS today are at it like rabbits, I reckon. I’m Martin Bishop, I’m 44, and I’m shocked by my own speculations about how sex education is now.

A WOMAN has promised to be in her perfect bra size as soon as she is cool with a shop assistant prodding and lifting her boobs.

THE majority of next year will be spent vacantly staring at nothing and daydreaming about shagging, scientists have confirmed.

2022 is finally here, so it’s time to start being kind to yourself and learn to love who you are. Here are six pieces of advice guaranteed to backfire.

CRACKERS add some levity to Christmas meals, until your pet swallows these toys and you have to pay a fortune for surgery.

WERE you an angel on high, a king in finery, a mute shepherd or livestock? Here’s how your nativity role predicted your future.

WANT to do competitive physical activity, but not to break a sweat? These five activities are technically sports but medically aren’t.

A KEEN and committed racist has admitted that despite Yorkshire’s exemplary record of bigotry he is still not getting into cricket.

THE rulers of Afghanistan are to buy out Middlesbrough FC for £320 million, the Premier League has confirmed.

REMAINERS have admitted that unprecendented British sporting success the first summer after Brexit is not doing their cause any favours.

THERE are many reasons the education secretary could have confused Rashford and Itoje, and none of them were because they are both black. It was probably one of these:

RONALDO is an absolutely crap transfer for Manchester United who’ve proved what a total desperate mess they are, as fans of other teams explain.

BACK in the day you played with Lego, ate leftover turkey and watched Where Eagles Dare. But Christmas has changed irrevocably, and here’s what you do now.

FACEBOOK can be irritating at the best of times, but Christmas seems to bring out the worst in people who are already dicks.

A MAN has outsourced the purchase of a thoughtful gift for his wife to a budget-priced artificial intelligence they keep in the lounge.

DO you find the young people confusing and odd? Don’t worry – 48-year-old father-of-three Martin Bishop can answer your questions and make you trendy again.

A FATHER who believes himself computer-savvy keeps a list of his passwords on a post-it note stuck to his monitor.

THE internet has brought many gifts, like feuding with strangers and easy access to conspiracy theories. But it’s also killed off these treasures.

EVERYONE loves 80s movies for their neon palette and banging synthesised soundtracks. But rewatching them reveals other key elements which are bizarre...

A VIBRANT, thrilling programme of theatre, art and contemporary dance events are scheduled for this year. Here’s why you’ll miss them.

THE middle-classes don’t really approve of appearing on television because it’s vulgar and boastful. But they do dream of appearing on these.

IT IS a tradition as British as the Queen’s Speech to send an absolutely shit song to number one for Christmas. These are seven of the worst.

HAVE you always been a bit confused by the nativity story? Here are some issues the Bible – or its author God – really needs to clear up.

THEIR very existence and ability to draw in huge crowds is confusing enough, but these pantomime plot holes make even less sense.

THERE is nothing like a woman kicking ass in the business world to make other women feel like failures. Begin the year with these pioneers.

ONCE rulers of the high street, it’s now impossible to believe that their unsettling concepts were ever viable businesses. How did they ever survive?

ONLINE shops are beginning a relentless quest for customer feedback that will only end when you have given them five stars or are dead.

A LITTLE boy has been delighted to realise that Christmas is more of a hollow capitalist scam than he dared to dream possible.

THE most important man in recorded history has set an out-of-office auto-response on his email for 1pm until 6pm today.

A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn a customer will be shopping elsewhere following a minor incident.

REMOTE working means unexpected screen sharing and shit, you forgot you’d left that tab open. But which websites are the most shaming?

A MAN has been disheartened by the discovery that his employment continues to exist and that he is expected to take part in it.

A MORONIC office worker is delighting in calling every day between now and New Year 'Twixmas'.

A WOMAN is celebrating avoiding a mortifying IT incident after the shocking discovery her broken computer is not a simple error and her fault.

A WOMAN who has to work all next week is wondering why she is not feeling even an inkling of festive spirit yet.

NOBODY is productive at this time of year even when they’re in the office. Why should home be any different? Get out of working with these seasonally-appropriate excuses.

SCOTLAND has once again admitted that it cannot return to work until tomorrow because it overdid it massively at New Year.

A MAN sure his New Year's Eve would end in the throes of passionate sex found himself home alone in bed without making it to midnight.

THERE are more shit ways to spend New Year’s Eve than there are stars in the sky. Here are just a few of them.

IF you’ve overindulged on Christmas Day, avoiding a hangover on Boxing Day will be a challenge needing a creative solution. Try these:

MOTHERS across the UK are very, very drunk right now, it has emerged.

A MAN has managed to get completely shitfaced before getting out of his dressing gown for the third day in a row.