Bristol not all that, Bristolians told

THE inhabitants of Bristol have been politely reminded that their city isn't the magical progressive utopia they think it is.

Nigel Farage's re-telling of the Parable of the Good Samaritan

I'M Nigel Farage, spokesman for the real people of this once Christian country. Here is my truly British re-telling of the Parable of the Good Samaritan.

Having your bike nicked, and four other moving to London rites of passage

HAVE you recently moved to the UK's glorious capital? Expect to go through every one of these harrowing experiences.

Couple embark on series of awkward sexual acts to rediscover 'spark'

A COUPLE are trying out a series of demanding and humiliating sexual scenarios in a bid to save their floundering marriage.

Man realises he has paid Netflix £300 just to watch Star Trek
A MAN has realised that his Netflix subscription been spent entirely on watching old episodes of Star Trek and Star Trek: The Next Generation.
The Brexiter's guide to suddenly being furious about what you voted for

ANNOYED there’s a shortage of fresh produce in the supermarket, despite being warned about it when you voted Leave? Brexiter Roy Hobbs explains his confused anger.

Gangnam Style: Five things Sky Brown is too young to remember that will depress you

IS 13-year-old Olympic skateboarder Sky Brown making you feel like a withered old husk? It won’t help that she has no memory of these landmark events.

Five reasons you're single and not in a fantastic relationship

ARE you single? Are you wondering why? Here are five exceptionally simple reasons why no one wants to be your significant other.

Five famous actors your mum can't remember the name of

OUR nation's mums are not always what you'd call cinephiles. Can you decipher which famous actors they're talking about here?

Not thanking a driver who's let you through, and other minor slights that should carry the death penalty

CAPITAL punishment can seem harsh, but the following non-criminal offences should undoubtedly lead to the death penalty without the need for a trial.

15 annoying things you will find in every family home

WHEN you have children, it does not take long for your once-tidy house to become chock-full of stuff. Do you recognise these bits of crap that are bloody everywhere?

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Politics

Government to stimulate post-lockdown economy by giving everyone six grams of coke

THE government is to continue sensibly and responsibly restoring the UK’s economy post-lockdown by giving every citizen six grams of cocaine.

Tory fans already excitedly wondering what next weekend's massive f**k-up will be

FANS of the Conservative party are already speculating as to how they will top the last two weekends’ big old f**k-ups next weekend.

'Why are you such a twat?' and five other questions Dominic Cummings should have been asked

LAURA Kuenssberg’s interview with the prime minister’s former SPAD was packed with explosive revelations we already knew. Here’s what he should have been asked:

'I am f**king obsessed with migrants and I love it'

RETIRED grease trap cleaner Roy Hobbs is obsessed with migrants and regularly goes spotting on the Kent coast. He explains his rewarding hobby.

I wanted to visit the Queen to test my eyesight, says Johnson

THE prime minister only requested a face-to-face meeting with the Queen during the pandemic to ensure his vision was okay, he has confirmed.

Why 'one rule for you and another for them' is fine: Boris Johnson explains

PISSED off about having to self-isolate whilst I’ve done everything I can to try and weasel out of it? Here’s why double standards are perfectly acceptable.

What to do when you've just wasted an hour of your life in social media comments
HAVE you just spaffed an hour of your life up the wall reading bigoted comments from illiterate strangers online? Here’s how to cope.

Society

Outrage as new Highway Code makes it an offence to run down cyclists

MOTORISTS are outraged by the release of a new Highway Code which, for the first time, makes it an offence to run down cyclists. 

Man in 12th floor flat feels fully safe from catastrophic rise in sea levels

A MAN who was prudent enough to buy a 12th floor flat is sure that he has no need to worry about any future four foot rise in sea levels due to climate change.

The cliched dangers of drugs, by someone who's never touched them

IS YOUR knowledge of recreational drugs based on recycled anecdotes and terrifying cliches? Stephen Malley, who has only experimented with bitter, explains the effects.

Which bollocks conspiracy theory is right for you?

BRITAIN increasingly seems to be a nation of Covid conspiracy theorists, but it can’t last forever. So if you want to obsess over paranoid nonsense, which theory to opt for?

Lunch or dinner, pastie or pasty, scone or scone? The pathetic issues that divide Britain

NOW Brexit’s over, the nation has turned eagerly to the contentious issues that divided it irrevocably in happier times.

'A damp squid' and other phrases people mangle horribly

THE English language is complex so it's easy to make mistakes. But these mangled phrases are never acceptable.

Five basic facts dads will never know about their kids
WORRIED about the huge responsibility of fatherhood? Chill out. It’s such a walk in the park that you don’t even need to learn these simple facts about your kids.

Lifestyle

The teenager's guide to nominally going out with someone at secondary school

SECONDARY school is a heady mix of hormones, hairspray and double maths. Here's a guide to ‘dating’ in your pre-GCSE days.

Six unexpected expenses to f**k up your monthly budget

IT’S a week until payday and in a delicate balancing act of restraint and thrift you’ve got cash left. Then this happens.

Bedroom comes with en-suite oven: a London landlord upsells his flat

FLAT hunters, your search is over. For just a large percentage of your salary – not including bills, council tax, or furniture – my flat could be yours. Take the tour:

The top five most incredibly ugly investment trainers

TRAINERS are the new fine art, and like most fine art they’re f**king ugly. Here’s how to invest in shit-looking footwear that will appreciate in value.

Is this man's hat his new look or is he going bald?

DESPITE rarely wearing a hat previously, 32-year-old Jordan Gardner has taken to wearing one on all occasions. But is it a style choice or is he hiding baldness?

The five awful adverts YouTube bombards you with
YOUTUBE loves to batter you over the head with the same adverts. Here are the five same terrible ones you’ll have to watch forever.

Sports

Flytipping, and four other Olympic sports Britain would be world-beaters at

THE only reason Britain isn't leading the medals table is because we're not doing the sports we excel at. Here are the events we'd take gold in:

Why I've got more bottle than Simone Biles, by a gammon

ALL this talk about ‘mental health’ you get today. ‘Ooh, Mr Site Manager, can I take the day off, I’ve got to look after my mental health instead of doing my job.’ What a load of bollocks.

Japan urged to drop this time difference nonsense until Olympics finished

JAPAN has been urged by the international community to drop this whole time difference bollocks until the end of the Olympic Games.

Man who knew Tom Daley at school taking partial credit

A MAN who went to school with Olympian Tom Daley had admitted he feels the diver’s first gold medal is in some small way his, too.

Man watching incomprehensible load of lycra-clad bullshit pretty sure it's the Olympics

A MAN watching lycra-clad people perform some physical bollocks according to impenetrable rules is pretty confident this must be the Olympics.

Man could be an Olympian if he was disciplined, good at sport, and 30 years younger

A MIDDLE-AGED man is convinced he could be an Olympic athlete if he was essentially a completely different person, it has emerged.

Song lyrics that make grammar Nazis twitch
IF there's one thing musicians ain't not bothered about, it's grammatical accuracy. Here are some song lyrics that have grammar Nazis absolutely fuming.

Science & Technology

The real reasons Jeff Bezos is going into space

AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?

'Why’s the sky blue?' and other arsehole questions from kids

CHILDREN’S curiosity is a wonderful thing, until you’re required to provide the answers. These basic questions will baffle you.

'Is it cheating if we just have sex?' Stupid questions you shouldn't have to Google

LIFE is full of mysteries, but some of it is bleeding obvious. Here are some of the f**king stupid questions that end up being googled...

Five moronic ways to use your phone

SMARTPHONES are incredibly intelligent pieces of technology which put the world at your fingertips. Here are some ways to use them like an absolute twat.

Blueyonder old as shit, Gmail dull as f**k – what your email address says about you

EVER wondered what conclusions people draw about you based on your email address? Here’s what they think when you turn up in their inbox.

The five most annoying promotional emails you'll get today

INBOX constantly stuffed to bursting with irritating promotional emails? You'll be familiar with these...

Calling you her best friend: Terrifying red flags to look out for in female friendships
HAVE you just become friends with another woman? Worried that she might be a psychopath? Here are the five warning signs that you should look out for.

Arts & Entertainment

Are you annoyingly quirky enough to be the next Doctor Who? Take our quiz

WITH Jodie Whittaker handing in her notice, there’s a Time Lord-shaped vacancy on Doctor Who. But are you infuriatingly eccentric enough to fly the Tardis? Find out with our quiz.

Golden Balls and other demented TV game shows you'd forgotten about

GAME shows don’t always reach the lofty heights of Bullseye or Play Your Cards Right. Some were even shitter than that. There’s a reason you’ve forgotten them, but we’re here to remind you anyway.

Fears for future of music as X-Factor axed

THE greatest era of British music ever known is feared to have ended forever with the cancellation of The X-Factor. 

Six movies for men who don't know how to grow up

ARE you a male adult whose cinematic tastes never matured past being a thrilled 15-year-old watching an 18 certificate? These movies soothe your soul.

The five dickheads you only meet in nightclubs

TEMPTED to go clubbing now they've reopened? Remind yourself of their horrific denizens and think again.

Dancing Queen and five other songs your mum doesn't actually know the words to

DOES your mum's passion for music eclipse her knowledge of lyrics? Here are some songs she loves to sing - in her own inimitable way…

The six worst school sports memories of your childhood
EVERYONE loves the Olympics when you can watch it on telly with a glass of wine and a pizza. But do you remember the trauma of actually doing sport at school? Here are the low points.

Business

Pandemic and global recession beaten hands-down by triumphant British house prices

A WORLDWIDE pandemic paired with a global recession is no match for heroic rising British property prices, it has emerged.

Olive Oil Only, and five other unbelievably niche shops they only have in posh towns

VISITING a chi-chi little town? Here are six absurdly niche shops you’ll find there and only there.

Five rip-off toys to sell to kids

DO you want to make money without having anything of actual merit to sell? Try flogging these toys to gullible kids.

Man receives text advising that delivery driver has stopped for a piss

A MAN is getting constant, eager updates from a delivery company advising him on the precise whereabouts of his parcel.

How to celebrate Pride as a rapacious British company

ARE you a British business keen to let LGBT+ customers and staff know that they’re special for one month only? Here are the best ways to be an ally.

Tim Martin proposes Britain launch new 'Union of Europe' to attract workers

WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has urged the government to set up some sort of ‘Union of Europe’ to solve his shortage of pub staff. 

Moron needs free takeaway to avoid getting deadly virus
A MORON who was uninterested in getting the Covid vaccine to protect himself and others has had a change of heart after being offered a free double cheeseburger.