I'M Nigel Farage, spokesman for the real people of this once Christian country. Here is my truly British re-telling of the Parable of the Good Samaritan.
HAVE you recently moved to the UK's glorious capital? Expect to go through every one of these harrowing experiences.
A COUPLE are trying out a series of demanding and humiliating sexual scenarios in a bid to save their floundering marriage.
ANNOYED there’s a shortage of fresh produce in the supermarket, despite being warned about it when you voted Leave? Brexiter Roy Hobbs explains his confused anger.
IS 13-year-old Olympic skateboarder Sky Brown making you feel like a withered old husk? It won’t help that she has no memory of these landmark events.
ARE you single? Are you wondering why? Here are five exceptionally simple reasons why no one wants to be your significant other.
OUR nation's mums are not always what you'd call cinephiles. Can you decipher which famous actors they're talking about here?
CAPITAL punishment can seem harsh, but the following non-criminal offences should undoubtedly lead to the death penalty without the need for a trial.
WHEN you have children, it does not take long for your once-tidy house to become chock-full of stuff. Do you recognise these bits of crap that are bloody everywhere?
THE government is to continue sensibly and responsibly restoring the UK’s economy post-lockdown by giving every citizen six grams of cocaine.
FANS of the Conservative party are already speculating as to how they will top the last two weekends’ big old f**k-ups next weekend.
LAURA Kuenssberg’s interview with the prime minister’s former SPAD was packed with explosive revelations we already knew. Here’s what he should have been asked:
RETIRED grease trap cleaner Roy Hobbs is obsessed with migrants and regularly goes spotting on the Kent coast. He explains his rewarding hobby.
THE prime minister only requested a face-to-face meeting with the Queen during the pandemic to ensure his vision was okay, he has confirmed.
PISSED off about having to self-isolate whilst I’ve done everything I can to try and weasel out of it? Here’s why double standards are perfectly acceptable.
MOTORISTS are outraged by the release of a new Highway Code which, for the first time, makes it an offence to run down cyclists.
A MAN who was prudent enough to buy a 12th floor flat is sure that he has no need to worry about any future four foot rise in sea levels due to climate change.
IS YOUR knowledge of recreational drugs based on recycled anecdotes and terrifying cliches? Stephen Malley, who has only experimented with bitter, explains the effects.
BRITAIN increasingly seems to be a nation of Covid conspiracy theorists, but it can’t last forever. So if you want to obsess over paranoid nonsense, which theory to opt for?
NOW Brexit’s over, the nation has turned eagerly to the contentious issues that divided it irrevocably in happier times.
SECONDARY school is a heady mix of hormones, hairspray and double maths. Here's a guide to ‘dating’ in your pre-GCSE days.
IT’S a week until payday and in a delicate balancing act of restraint and thrift you’ve got cash left. Then this happens.
FLAT hunters, your search is over. For just a large percentage of your salary – not including bills, council tax, or furniture – my flat could be yours. Take the tour:
TRAINERS are the new fine art, and like most fine art they’re f**king ugly. Here’s how to invest in shit-looking footwear that will appreciate in value.
DESPITE rarely wearing a hat previously, 32-year-old Jordan Gardner has taken to wearing one on all occasions. But is it a style choice or is he hiding baldness?
THE only reason Britain isn't leading the medals table is because we're not doing the sports we excel at. Here are the events we'd take gold in:
ALL this talk about ‘mental health’ you get today. ‘Ooh, Mr Site Manager, can I take the day off, I’ve got to look after my mental health instead of doing my job.’ What a load of bollocks.
JAPAN has been urged by the international community to drop this whole time difference bollocks until the end of the Olympic Games.
A MAN who went to school with Olympian Tom Daley had admitted he feels the diver’s first gold medal is in some small way his, too.
A MAN watching lycra-clad people perform some physical bollocks according to impenetrable rules is pretty confident this must be the Olympics.
A MIDDLE-AGED man is convinced he could be an Olympic athlete if he was essentially a completely different person, it has emerged.
AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?
CHILDREN’S curiosity is a wonderful thing, until you’re required to provide the answers. These basic questions will baffle you.
LIFE is full of mysteries, but some of it is bleeding obvious. Here are some of the f**king stupid questions that end up being googled...
SMARTPHONES are incredibly intelligent pieces of technology which put the world at your fingertips. Here are some ways to use them like an absolute twat.
EVER wondered what conclusions people draw about you based on your email address? Here’s what they think when you turn up in their inbox.
WITH Jodie Whittaker handing in her notice, there’s a Time Lord-shaped vacancy on Doctor Who. But are you infuriatingly eccentric enough to fly the Tardis? Find out with our quiz.
GAME shows don’t always reach the lofty heights of Bullseye or Play Your Cards Right. Some were even shitter than that. There’s a reason you’ve forgotten them, but we’re here to remind you anyway.
THE greatest era of British music ever known is feared to have ended forever with the cancellation of The X-Factor.
ARE you a male adult whose cinematic tastes never matured past being a thrilled 15-year-old watching an 18 certificate? These movies soothe your soul.
TEMPTED to go clubbing now they've reopened? Remind yourself of their horrific denizens and think again.
DOES your mum's passion for music eclipse her knowledge of lyrics? Here are some songs she loves to sing - in her own inimitable way…
A WORLDWIDE pandemic paired with a global recession is no match for heroic rising British property prices, it has emerged.
VISITING a chi-chi little town? Here are six absurdly niche shops you’ll find there and only there.
DO you want to make money without having anything of actual merit to sell? Try flogging these toys to gullible kids.
A MAN is getting constant, eager updates from a delivery company advising him on the precise whereabouts of his parcel.
ARE you a British business keen to let LGBT+ customers and staff know that they’re special for one month only? Here are the best ways to be an ally.
WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has urged the government to set up some sort of ‘Union of Europe’ to solve his shortage of pub staff.