News Briefly

Ponds 'die in hot Tardis'

DOCTOR Who assistants Amy and Rory Pond are to die after being left locked in a poorly-ventilated Tardis.

The Shining sequel 'will make you shit your pants'

"It's so scary you're going to literally poo yourself," says horror master Stephen King.

Bring it, say badgers

Britain's badgers have told the Department of Agriculture that they'd better come tooled up.

Bristol to get 'gert lush' 4G internet

Superfast mobile technology will be 'proper job', say council chiefs.

Andrew Marr blames 'Sex Panther' cologne

"It made me into a supercharged fanny magnet," says shocked political journalist.

Voyager 1 hits canvas backdrop at edge of space

Collision with giant black cloth ends 35-year space mission.

Jeremy Hunt somehow best person for something

Hunt inexplicably chosen for job by person who had other options.

Britain headed for tattooed pensioner crisis

Experts predict Britain's ageing hipsters will become inappropriately tattooed grandparents.

Commuters switching to foreign trains

UK workers  finding their commute is quicker and pleasanter if they go via mainland Europe.

Government launches 'Exercise: It's not just for pricks' campaign

New initiative will challenge the perception of gym types as vain, tedious misfits, says spokesman.

Team GB fans reclaim the term 'golden shower'

Ambiguous phrase perfectly describes medals success, say jubilant supporters.

Yorkshire Olympians' medals due to being coached at school by Brian Glover

The shiny-pated actor/PE teacher instilled terror of failure into young Jessica Ennis.