News Briefly
Ponds 'die in hot Tardis'
DOCTOR Who assistants Amy and Rory Pond are to die after being left locked in a poorly-ventilated Tardis.
The Shining sequel 'will make you shit your pants'
"It's so scary you're going to literally poo yourself," says horror master Stephen King.
Bring it, say badgers
Britain's badgers have told the Department of Agriculture that they'd better come tooled up.
Bristol to get 'gert lush' 4G internet
Superfast mobile technology will be 'proper job', say council chiefs.
Andrew Marr blames 'Sex Panther' cologne
"It made me into a supercharged fanny magnet," says shocked political journalist.
Voyager 1 hits canvas backdrop at edge of space
Collision with giant black cloth ends 35-year space mission.
Jeremy Hunt somehow best person for something
Hunt inexplicably chosen for job by person who had other options.
Britain headed for tattooed pensioner crisis
Experts predict Britain's ageing hipsters will become inappropriately tattooed grandparents.
Commuters switching to foreign trains
UK workers finding their commute is quicker and pleasanter if they go via mainland Europe.
Government launches 'Exercise: It's not just for pricks' campaign
New initiative will challenge the perception of gym types as vain, tedious misfits, says spokesman.
Team GB fans reclaim the term 'golden shower'
Ambiguous phrase perfectly describes medals success, say jubilant supporters.
Yorkshire Olympians' medals due to being coached at school by Brian Glover
The shiny-pated actor/PE teacher instilled terror of failure into young Jessica Ennis.