News Briefly

Happiness 'depends on person's distance from Birmingham'

PUTTING a few hundred miles between yourself and Midlands' capital drastically enhances wellbeing, according to new research.

Far-right groups announce 'Love Music, Also Quite Like Racism' concerts

Open-air gigs to spread message of hate and separateness.

People of both genders mostly morons

Recent IQ tests show that although women are slightly ahead, most people don't even register.

Comic fans flock to Masturbation Con 2012

THE world's annual biggest habitual masturbator convention opens in San Diego.

Professor Green denies murder with candlestick in conservatory

Cluedo character/rapper claims Colonel Mustard did it, using the lead pipe.

Robert Diamond agrees to give up use of 'Bob'

Cold-hearted millionaire relinquishes 'matey' moniker.

Family needs £36,800 to afford the useless trappings of our moronic society

New survey shows minimum income required for purchase of gee-gaws.

Britain wondering what the hell 'month's worth of rain' is supposed to mean

If it's a summer month in California's-worth of rain then we're fine with that, says confused UK population.

Labour 'wasted thousands on paid-for Brown abuse'

'Scottish git' employed aides to hurl epithets that could have been delivered free by members of the public.

Bank does bad maths thing

Public comprehends words 'dude' and 'Bollinger' in otherwise mysterious event.

Kate Middleton 'must curtsey to Danny Dyer'

New royal protocol ranks Duchess of Cambridge below the star of Pimp.