News Briefly

Family needs £36,800 to afford the useless trappings of our moronic society

New survey shows minimum income required for purchase of gee-gaws.

Britain wondering what the hell 'month's worth of rain' is supposed to mean

If it's a summer month in California's-worth of rain then we're fine with that, says confused UK population.

Labour 'wasted thousands on paid-for Brown abuse'

'Scottish git' employed aides to hurl epithets that could have been delivered free by members of the public.

Bank does bad maths thing

Public comprehends words 'dude' and 'Bollinger' in otherwise mysterious event.

Kate Middleton 'must curtsey to Danny Dyer'

New royal protocol ranks Duchess of Cambridge below the star of Pimp.

Tax dodging not as funny as it used to be, says Ken Dodd

Creator of the classic 'suitcase full of fifties in the attic' routine slams modern comedians' offshore accounts as 'boring'.

Stonehenge introduces 'smart casual' dress code

Solstice revellers told no caps, sportswear or flowing robes imprinted with runic symbols.

Tea 'worth dying for'

Britons happy to accept their fate as tea consumption is linked to cancer.