News Briefly

Google to map the human subconscious

Internet giant to chart mysterious realm of the psyche and make it into something you can zoom in on.

Church agrees to continue marrying obviously gay men to women

Gay marriage OK if it's to a heterosexual person of opposite gender in heartbreakingly sad circumstances, confirms Church of England.

Clegg 'left forgotten in pub for 15 minutes'

Distraught Camerons returned to find deputy PM choking on a piece of beef jerky.

Obama delivers inspiring speech about blowjobs

President captivates nation with emotionally-charged rhetoric about getting noshed off.

Ray Bradbury 'lived to see era when books and knowledge are treated with suspicion'

"He was really pleased to see his vision of the future come true," said deceased writer's daughter.

Venus confirms extra transit due to popular demand

Planet's management announces additional passing-in-front-of-sun in 50 years' time.

Jaguar owners voted most satisfied with themselves

British luxury car owners top smugness poll for 12th consecutive year.

'I'll give you my pasty when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers'

Ministers forced into humiliating climbdown by Britain's powerful pro-pasty lobby.

Coming soon - The 2012 Coldalympic Games

The Olympic Games for athletes that are a touch under the weather.

Immensely rich and famous pop star 'had quite a lot of sex'

Journalists uncover shocking evidence that globally famous, unfathomably wealthy musician did an above average amount of shagging.

Alex Reid 'bringing cage fighting into disrepute'

Jordan's ex-husband accused of demeaning sport traditionally associated with honour, valour and integrity.

Corgis get ready with grooming and anal gland-draining

Queen's loyal companions' arses to be in tip-top shape for jubilee.