Cowell Makes Olly Wear Joe’s Lovely Skin
SIMON Cowell has removed X Factor winner Joe McElderry's skin and stitched Olly Murs into it to create a perfect hybrid of looks and likeability.
Show insiders claim that while Cowell covets Murs' dancing skills and cheeky demeanour, he was worried that record sales could be dented by the runner-up's terrifying face.
A source said: "Joe has the angelic looks that are so appealing to the key demographics of 12 year-old girls and middle-aged men with predatory eyes who eat cereal for their tea.
"But Olly does that funny dancing where he jerks about like a gecko with a ruptured colon. Also he seems a bit thick, which is, of course, a by-word for 'likeable'.
"But put Olly in Joe's skin and you have perfection – once you've tidied up all the ragged, bloody bits, obviously."
Sources say McElderry was cornered by a group of Cowell's dwarf assassins wielding assorted butchers' implements at the X Factor Final after-party.
One eyewitness said: "Joe performed a triumphant rendition of his debut single The Glow, after which he was immediately pinned to the ground by nasty hooded midgets, a bit like the ones in Phantasm.
"They gutted him like a trout using twisty-bladed knives, before pulling his skin up over his head like a big, bleeding shirt.
"While Joe's remains were still steaming, a sedated Olly Murs was wheeled in, stripped and hastily stitched into the skin. It wasn't a great fit at first and it took a good deal of messing about to line up the eye-holes.
"The Olly/Joe hybrid then slithered to its feet and delivered a perfectly acceptable rendition of Twist and Shout."
The eyewitness added: "Simon just smiled, nodded once, and then disintegrated into a kind of sentient black sludge before oozing off toward the nearest drain."