Audit manager Martin Bishop, aged 46, was rushed to A&E after hearing almost two minutes of an empowering and provocative Chappell Roan track whilst popping to the Co-op to pick up some milk.

First responder Emma Bradford said: “Poor guy. His aging immune system was completely unprepared for a suggestive country-pop song backed with electronic hooks.

“Based purely on age, new music that isn’t into the revived shoegaze genre or on heavy rotation on Radio 6 will automatically send his body into shock. Thankfully he wasn’t exposed to Harry Styles’s gender nonconformity, but next time he might not be so lucky.

“Doctors have got him hooked up to a steady drip of Crash Test Dummies and The Longpigs to bring his vitals under control. It’s too early to say if he’ll ever be able to listen to anything this side of Franz Ferdinand’s debut.

“The shop was irresponsible. It was obvious Martin wasn’t ready for provocative lesbian pop hits by his grey temples and the amount of wine he was buying on a Tuesday. They should be like pubs, which haven’t spooked their clientele with new music since 2016.”

Bishop said: “It’s not that I’m afraid of new music. I just need to listen to Surfer Rosa 2,000 more times before I’m ready to move on.”

I surveyed the theatrical landscape and asked myself, why is nobody writing plays about niche personal issues told from a upper-middle perspective? Then I realised: be the change you want to see. Bring the hard truth about private school to the people.

So I wrote about the hardships of growing up in Surrey. The arguments about getting a nose stud. The pressure to ride dressage. Repeated refusals to give me a lift to Annabelle’s.

It’s all there, psychological wounds as fresh as the day I was told, aged 14, I was not getting a sleeve tattoo. I honestly feel it could be the next Fleabag.

Then the real work of rehearsals and finding a venue began. Not easy, because it turns out there are actually loads of plays about niche personal issues told from a upper-middle perspective up here, adding to my oppression.

But, surmounting obstacles like an Afghan refugee, I made it and here I am performing in Edinburgh for friends, family and sometimes up to four other people? The two-and-a-half hours just fly by.

Despite it clearly striking a chord, the critics have been less kind. Unable to look beyond their own class prejudices, some of them not even trying to hide their Scotchness, they condemned it. ‘Thinks it’s the next Fleabag but falls woefully short,’ the Times wrote.

Well, the real triumph here is that I’ve confronted the traumas of my past and emerged a stronger person. The secondary one is I’ve printed up 2,000 posters and 5,000 leaflets with ‘the next Fleabag – The Times’ on.

That should ensure sell-outs, nominations for Fringe awards, a West End run and a TV deal. See? Sometimes it is worth leaving London.

Adele

Adele has commented that she ‘absolutely hates’ being famous and misses anonymity. On the upside she’s been able to take a ‘hiatus’ while presumably still earning a fortune from her millions. It’s unlikely your boss would agree to you taking an unspecified number of months off if you promise to come back with an exciting new batch of spreadsheets.

André 3000

Being heralded as a generational talent and sex symbol is awful, and so is all the money, so it’s understandable that André took a step back from fame. Unfortunately he hasn’t grasped that doing ‘ordinary people’ things like visiting laundrettes and swanning around beaches with a set of oboes like a true artist are sure signs of a millionaire with f**k all else to do.

Bruce Springsteen

Mr Blue Collar Small Town Man Versus American Greed himself has gone as far as to describe his fame as a ‘curse’. Fair enough, he’s always had his heart in the right place and supported the little guy, but you’d think nonetheless he’d do a quick cost/benefit analysis of being Bruce Springsteen versus working in one the oil refineries in his songs that are always getting shut down.

Charli xcx

Charli has had a career every broke barista would kill for, so naturally her latest album and film question whether fame and success can fulfil your emotional needs and stuff. ‘Probably more than working in a garage’ may be the answer. And, unlike Martin Scorsese agreeing to appear on your album cover, he wouldn’t be visiting Kwik Fit to give his seal of approval to a new clutch well-fitted. 

Kendrick Lamar

Kendrick has had his share of run-ins with the fame monster, even ending up confessing to adultery from a time he wasn’t very famous, and having to shoulder the responsibility of slagging off another rich and famous musician, which must have consumed some serious man-hours. It’s just a shame us non-famous people can’t earn royalties from calling someone a wanker.

Lorde

With dreams of aspirational wealth inspiring her smash first single, Lorde’s aversion to money is famously precarious. Of course the public being obsessed with your body image is extremely horrible and unnecessary, but it’s hard not to think that engaging in and settling high-profile beefs might not be the best way to avoid attention.

Lauryn Hill

Make one great thing and you can live off of it for the rest of your life, something Lauryn has been doing since she hit paydirt with one wanky critical pick album. However she still felt the need to retreat from fame by getting a spiritual advisor and studying Bible scripture intensively. You can’t help but think that just going on holiday a lot might be healthier, but fame is definitely bad. It makes you commit tax evasion.

She’s hot 

Denise Richards in The World is Not Enough, for example. Some women are hot DESPITE being clever. Obviously it doesn’t happen often, but it’s great to see a Bond film with a progressive message. When Denise is convincingly explaining quantum physics in six-inch heels and a vest top, don’t shy away. The camera certainly won’t. 

Her dad told her stuff

Men are, of course, fundamentally the source of all knowledge and ideas. Women can hold those in their heads temporarily if information is explained to them slowly and they’re not distracted by shoes. Take the aforementioned example of Megan Fox. She’d think only of unicorns if Dad hadn’t shown her the garage. 

She had three older brothers

Which explains why she can throw a punch, change a tyre, swear convincingly and identify every firearm ever manufactured. It seems growing up with male siblings is equivalent to SAS selection. If she’d had sisters, she’d spend all her time sobbing in the loft every time a flower dies. 

Her dad was in the military

An army dad is ten times a regular father. Having one conveniently qualifies her to fly helicopters, negotiate hostage situations and explain NATO strategy to passersby. It’s amazing what film dads can teach you, when yours only taught you to kick a football ineptly in the mistaken belief that he was Michel Platini.

Her mum died when she was young

When mum dies, a daughter must step in while Dad throws himself into work and his thousand-yard stare. You can’t expect a man to cook for his children. This tragic backstory makes her the most mature and together person you could imagine – which is handy in a zombie attack. It’s one of the few ways Hollywood permits a woman to be competent without suggesting it’s typical. Competent at being boring and sensible.

She doesn’t have to talk to you

You may be the main character in your own life, but to everyone else you’re practically part of the scenery. Nobody is under any obligation to talk to you, outside of curt pleasantries if they happen to be serving you in a shop. A hot girl at a gig is well within her rights to tell you to f**k off if you so much as breathe near her.

80 per cent of men are creeps

And that’s a conservative estimate. For all she knows you’re a disgusting weirdo who’d take photos of her feet to sell on the internet at the first opportunity. Trying to convince her otherwise by staring in her direction and shooting a nervous smile will not help your case. Plus her boyfriend might be present and he’d beat you up.

You’re old

You’ve come to see a band that’s got heavy airplay on Radio 6 because you’re middle-aged. She’s in the crowd because they remind her of her dad and the tickets were on offer. You are not the same. Even if she asked you where the toilets were, you wouldn’t be able to hear her dulcet tones over your tinnitus.

Social rules are in play

This is a gig, not a speed dating night. Your role as an audience member is to face the front and clap after every song, not try to strike up a conversation over deafening music. Besides, if a woman is at a gig alone it signals she has a level of confidence which puts her well out of your league.

She’s trying to listen to the band

Hearing the band play their songs is kind of the whole point of going to a gig. By talking over them you’re not only ruining an experience that required a lot of planning, you’re also creating a core memory in another person which portrays you as an annoying prick. Nobody is getting rinsed by Ticketmaster for that experience.

You don’t have anything interesting to say

If you were incredibly handsome and she was desperate, there’s a slim chance she might talk to you if you charm her with some witty repartee. Sadly all you can muster are some tedious stats about the band’s highest ever chart position and anecdotes she already knows about the lead singer. If you have to say anything, stick with a safe ‘sorry for bothering you’.

Instead of Goodfellas, say La Dolce Vita

Both are Italian-based, but La Dolce Vita is officially a classic and dead arty, which makes you look good in front of your girlfriend. Sadly there are no scary midgets asking if you think they’re funny, but Anita Ekberg dicking around in a fountain eases the boredom. There’s also no danger of giving away the plot, because there isn’t one.

Do say: ‘Fellini created a new vision of what cinema could be.’ 

Don’t say: ‘It’s okay even though it’s in black and white.’

Instead of Jurassic Park, say Le Voyage dans la Lune

Bonus points here as you get to say a foreign film title, complete with brainy translation. Hopefully your true love was shit at French at school, or just a bit dim, and has no idea it’s pretty much the same as the English. 

Do say: ‘It pioneered cinematic storytelling and gave birth to visual effects.’

Don’t say: ‘There’s a much better one where they find space Nazis.’

Instead of The Matrix, say 2001: A Space Odyssey 

The 1999 movie with Keanu Reeves as the cassock-wearing geek-turned-saviour could be considered a modern classic, but play it safe and prefer Kubrick’s redefinition of the sci-fi genre into something philosophical and artistically serious. Also you have to admit that for a film about the nature of reality, The Matrix does involves a lot of kicking.

Do say: ‘Kubrick approaches the genre as a vehicle for profound questions. Where do we come from? Could artificial intelligence surpass us? How might humanity evolve?’

Don’t say: ‘What’s this music? I’m sure it was on an advert.’

Instead of Transformers, say Metropolis 

With its hierarchical dystopia, Metropolis probably influenced Blade Runner, not to mention The Fifth Element and definitely films like Star Wars, where the lady robot became C-3PO. In other words, there’s loads of stuff in it from films you’ve actually seen. And didn’t find utterly tedious.

Do say: ‘Fritz Lang helped to define the visual language of science fiction.’

Don’t say: ‘Unfortunately Superman isn’t in it. Or Milly Alcock. I would.’

Instead of Independence Day, say Brief Encounter 

For Christ’s sake don’t make the same error as Del Boy. Your true love will realise you’re a moron if you’re visibly confused by it being in black and white with no aliens. Instead remember it is widely considered to be one of the most romantic movies ever made. Yes, even more than 9½ Weeks.

Do say: ‘The recurring use of Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 2 is integral to the film’s emotional impact.’

Don’t say: ‘Now that’s what I call a brief encounter’ in a Will Smith voice. 

Instead of Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, say Rear Window

Beware a new girlfriend asking about your favourite films and starting to say ‘Lock Stock and -’ in some premature verbal ejaculation. Women mostly aren’t into that classic of mockney bollocks, so swap it out for Hitchcock. Keep your 20th anniversary edition DVD – with a new interview with Vinnie Jones – hidden, along with with other relics of the era like your well-thumbed copies of Loaded with Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh. 

Do say: ‘Cinematic technique creates meaning; every camera angle, edit, and point of view is carefully chosen to align the audience with Jeff’s perspective.’

Don’t say: ‘It’d be funny if Jeff got out a Bren gun.’

Instead of Jaws, actually you can keep that

This one’s fine as it’s a bona fide classic whose impact on popular culture is still felt half a century on. However restrict your showing-off to technical facts and interesting behind-the-scenes conflicts that shaped the characters. That sounds more cultured than going on about how the first time you saw the shark you nearly shat yourself.

Do say: ‘It’s hard to say what I love more, the storytelling skills of the young Spielberg, or directorial flourishes like the famous dolly zoom – but always in service of the narrative.’ 

Don’t say: ‘Even at the age of 34 I still think a shark might come up the toilet.’

The Cornish WW2 Midwife Wedding at the Primrose Cottage Bookshop

‘It’s 1941 and Grace Wood-Morris is a talented midwife delivering adorable babies and keeping spirits up through the turmoil of the Blitz. Nothing can distract her from her forceps – until she finds herself falling for a certain handsome Newquay bookshop owner, who always has a cup of tea and a Jane Austen on hand.’

My Forbidden Mob Boss Love

‘Lucy Parry is the sheltered daughter of a Mafia boss, who falls for the tattooed enforcer son of his greatest rival. But while in a secret relationship with him, she sleeps with his brother. Their clandestine encounter sees her catch the eye of a brutal but sensitive Yakuza enforcer. Does she dare follow her heart?’

Murder With Mayo in the Garden Centre Café

‘In this cosy crime caper, grouchy pensioner Margaret Gerving teams up with the spotty teen behind the exotic fish counter to solve the violent bludgeoning death of a wealthy garden gnome magnate. The debut novel by one of the Chasers off The Chase.’

The Farmer’s Plough Girl

‘Rural Ireland, 1890. Red-haired beauty Mary Fisher dreams of a life far from her spiteful stepmother and six vile stepsisters. But when she falls pregnant out of wedlock, she discovers her life has only extremely Catholic cruelties to offer, including but not limited to whip-wielding nuns making her pull a plough with her teeth.’

Second Chances at the Swordfish Taverna

‘Recently widowed Donna Sheridan goes to Greece to scatter her husband’s ashes and to gaze pensively at various sunsets. She has given up on love when she accidentally flashes a boob at sexy bar owner Yiannis, who, in broken, sexy English, teaches her how to love and laugh again.’

Full Moon Reaming, book three of the I Banged A Werewolf saga

‘When Emma met Clark, he didn’t tell her why he disappeared every full moon and explained the feathers littering his apartment as a ‘burst pillow’. But now she knows he’s a werewolf – and fighting an ancient war against vampires, fairies, gnomes, mummies and zombies. So why is she so attracted to the new pixie in her life?’

The Dead Don’t Leave Answerphone Messages

‘Ex-copper Carolyn Ryan thinks her dark past hunting Manchester-based serial killers is behind her. But when she picks up the phone and hears the voice of her long-dead commanding officer on the end of the line, she knows she must once again face the terror she thought she had banished in that rain-slick alley in Crumpsall.’

We Don’t Need Another Hero by Tina Turner, 1985

Archetypal soft rock thanks to its dated keyboards, catchy nonsensical hook and being a blockbuster movie tie-in. Tina Turner was in the film, so knew full well their overriding message was that until society is rebuilt you absolutely do need heroes or you’ll be cruelly slaughtered by bastards like Lord Humungus.

You’re the Voice by John Farnham, 1986

‘We’re all someone’s daughter, we’re all someone’s son. How long can we look at each other, down the barrel of a gun?’ sings John, in the typically impassioned plea for peace which made up around 40 per cent of all soft rock lyrics. It was generally accepted that big hair and bagpipe solos would end the Cold War. And eventually, David Hasselhoff did.

We Built This City by Starship, 1985

Musically it’s got every 80s cliché: synth stabs, power chords, boring anthemic chorus. While taking generic lyrics to a new level with pseudo-meaningful bollocks about ‘corporation games’ and the assertion that rock and roll builds cities, which it doesn’t. San Francisco, referenced in the song, was built on maritime trade and the financial sector.

Glory of Love by Peter Cetera, 1986

Pete pours his heart into it but the song is inextricably linked to The Karate Kid Part II, which is largely about a white boy travelling to Japan to kick ass. Colonialism and white American kids beating the natives at their own game are no longer considered the uplifting themes for a movie they once were.

Can’t Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon, 1984

You’re torn between liking the tune and hating everything else: the pompous piano intro, the teenage poetry lyrics, a deeply misjudged video about a baby growing into a middle-aged father and passing on his teddy bear. And singer Kevin Cronin’s 1980s mullet is something to behold. It looks as if he’s wearing an Ewok on his head.

Eye of the Tiger by Survivor, 1982 

Weapons-grade cheese, with its highly effective riff and lyrics entirely composed of guff about tigers, being ‘back on the street’ and fighting being a rewarding experience. But went from the Rocky III soundtrack to ubiquity, used everywhere from real boxing matches to Dumb and Dumberer, so the vicarious macho excitement is gone and you may as well be putting on The Smiths.

The Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News, 1985

Huey and the guys really perfected the art of utterly bland pop rock no-one can object to, the musical equivalent of comfortable socks. However it was written specifically for Back to the Future and since Marty’s girlfriend isn’t in most of the film it should really be called The Power of Your Mum Fancying You. Which today’s porn-addled kids are probably into.

Odysseus, known as Oddie to his mates, had been out with the lads to Troy. He’d kicked arse, impressed a sexy bird and was off home. But no way was he asking directions.

So he ends up a bit astray on this island of the lotus-eaters. Now he’s very much a lager man, but has a puff and ends up trapped there for bloody ages while they bore his arse off about cultural approbation or some shite. You know how lefties are.

He eventually breaks free by saying he’ll go and get Rizlas, but he’s a bit befuddled and him and the boys only end up with this cyclops. Ugly bugger. Only got one eye so of course he’s raking it in, benefits-wise. Got a free island off the state.

They escape from him by shagging sheep, sometimes you’ve got to take one for the team, but veer off course again when they see this lap-dancing club called Circe’s. Oddie’s not up for it exactly but nor is he in a rush to go home to the wife.

So they’re in there, the lads acting like pigs with their snouts in a trough, when this Circe says the strippers, a racially diverse crew but in the good way, deserve to present the football just like white men. He’s not having that, so he gives her one and they piss off.

Wise to it they plug their ears to the Sirens, who are the Loose Women of the Aegean, always harping on about bollocks, and he steers deftly between the Cilla and the Charybdis, the first representing wokery and the second going a bit too Elon Musk.

He makes it home and there’s all these blokes grooming up his wife. Foreigners. He fires an arrow through all their heads, his dog recognises him like you see in those videos on Facebook where US servicemen come home that make me tear up a bit, job done.

Greatest story ever told, mate, with a timeless message: you can’t trust abroad. Get the pints in, my mouth’s drier than a Trojan’s sandal.

5ive

In their heyday you could tell 5ive apart, like the eyebrow piercing guy or the gelled chipmunk. Today they have merged into a sort of homogenous Jacamo geezer blob and can no longer remember which of them appeared on which celebrity reality show. The singer and most generic one, Sean, is delighted they all look like him now.

Bob Dylan

Back in the 60s, Bob could get away with croaking into a harmonica like a frog that’s been flushed through the New York sewer system. Today the singing is worse, the guitarists have been fired, the tour never ends, the songs are unrecognisable and the only reason he’s still definitively identified as Bob Dylan is nobody else wants to be.

Guns N’ Roses

Once lithe, snakehipped and hopelessly addicted, they’re now clean, portly and still singing tracks that originated in a Hollywood shooting gallery. Axl Rose sounds like he has died in every festival VIP portaloo, and a resuscitated hulk with a top hat and rubbery mask looks like an e-fit of how Slash should look in 2026. But it is him.

Madonna

Time goes by so slowly, yes Madonna, but not as slowly as your spotlit face on Graham Norton is insisting we believe. She’s reclaiming the dancefloor again as if we collectively forget what clubbing and sex is for a whole decade until she reminds us, like an elderly mother warning you to keep a condom in your purse.

My Chemical Romance

Panto is old hat but draws crowds every Christmas, so maybe Gerard Way always knew his pompous goth operatics would be a perennial draw for the elderly. Parents who got bullied for wearing their marching band costume on mufti day are once again finding their people at gigs, now they’ve all been through miserablism-related divorces.

Rod Stewart

He was youing, macho, sexy. Now the young women who make up his backing band feel like they’re on stage to offer defibrillation, blood transfusions and to be emergency organ banks. But you can’t fault his commitment to being an undignified Rod tribute act, guzzling wine at the football and thrusting in hot pants so tight you can make out the Viagra in the pocket.

Joni Mitchell in blackface

Known for her introspective melancholia, Joni Mitchell has an astonishing history with blackface. She wore it on stage, applied it for an album cover shoot and even attended parties using it as a disguise. As late as 2015 she was referring to her ‘blackness’ in interviews. Knowing all this is so painful it manages to make Love Actually worse.

John Lennon beating his wife

By his own admission, Lennon was physically abusive towards women. Although he managed to to calm his temper in a sensible way with copious amounts of pot, LSD and, later, heroin. Beatles lyrics openly referenced beating up women and yet ‘goo goo g’joob’ is what people remember.

David Bowie doing a Nazi salute

Of Bowie’s many characters, ‘Off His Nut On Cocaine Fascist Man’ is probably not many people’s favourite. Openly declaring a love for totalitarianism and greeting crowds of adoring fans with dubious hand gestures was all in a day’s work for mid-seventies Bowie. Still, it was less offensive than that drum and bass rubbish he did later.

The Prodigy releasing Smack My Bitch Up

Considered one of the greatest dance acts of all time, fans overlooked some dodgy lyrics to experience an adrenaline rush of raw electronic punk. The band claimed it wasn’t supposed to be taken literally but it didn’t help that the video depicted drug-fuelled acts of sexual assault and violence. Luckily the twist at the end avoids any misogyny! Oh. No it doesn’t because that’s just the video and it’s still not okay.

Michael Jackson being an alleged paedophile

Everyone knows about Michael Jackson’s alleged paedophilia and yet society collectively shrugs and accepts that Billie Jean is a banger. Alleged paedophile Michael Jackson’s Thriller is still played at kids’ Halloween parties. There’s a bloody film celebrating alleged paedophile Michael Jackson containing precisely no alleged paedophilia. Thank God Jimmy Savile didn’t write Smooth Criminal or we’d be stuck with him too.

Eric Clapton’s racist rant

An astonishing racist tirade on stage in 1976 seems to have been largely brushed off as the consequence of substance abuse. How many people can say they deployed a volley of racist slurs and started chanting ‘Keep Britain White’ because they had a few too many ales? Hardly drunken snog territory. Tickets for Clapton’s autumn 2026 tour are selling well.

It’s about some historical thing

Nobody is sure what though. It can’t be how we won World War II because Churchill isn’t on it everyone is and fighting with bows and arrows. It’s not our 1966 World Cup win either because it predates that by a few years. No wonder everyone wants to pay it a visit and solve this eternal mystery.

It appeared in Shrek 3

Correctly known as Shrek the Third. You can spot it in the background when Shrek walks into Worcestershire Academy if you pause the film and zoom right in. As well as suggesting that the Shrek universe takes place in our medieval past, the Bayeux Tapestry is also the highlight of an otherwise disappointing third outing for the beloved green ogre.

It’s propping up the tapestry industry

Just as shitty celeb memoirs and Richard Osman books keep the lights on at publishing houses, the Bayeux Tapestry is singlehandedly keeping the textile storytelling industry afloat. The tale it depicts might be trashy tapestry fare for the masses, but it pays for artisans to weave more literary stories about depressed university professors shagging their students.

It might be part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe

The Bayeux Tapestry is like an old, wordless comic, which means it might be connected to the upcoming Avengers: Doomsday arc. Nerds are likely snapping up tickets to see if Ant-Man or the Fantastic Four make a subtle cameo among the Norman forces. Spider-Man won’t make an appearance of course due to Sony being a dick about rights.

It’ll be near the really good British Museum cafes

These hidden gems can be really hard to find among all the artefacts the British Museum has stolen. Luckily for visitors, the Bayeux Tapestry will guide them towards the delicious selection of freshly made sandwiches and cakes the museum is famous for. The historical linen tapestry will also serve as a handy napkin to wipe away any grease and crumbs.

Treating the precious lives of its audience with the respect they deserve, the podcast whipped through its introductions and sponsorship adverts to get to its derivative contents in less time than it takes to listen to half of Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours.

Listener Martin Bishop said: “I love this podcast, and I especially love getting through a good chunk of my workout listening to three people unenthusiastically droning on about NordVPN and plugging their upcoming Edinburgh shows.

“Even the staged chatter about what they’d been up to that week was mercifully brief, clocking in at a tight five minutes. They could have stretched it out, as they’d done nothing of interest, but best to leave the audience wanting more.

“Then it was simply a case of sitting through some terrible jingles, a needless recap of the format, and a couple more intrusive Spotify ads at deafening volume before getting right to it.

“Well worth it to hear up to 12 minutes of quizzing a celebrity guest previously unknown to me laughingly detailing their whole Greggs order. I would happily have spent twice the time building up to that hilarity thrillride.”

He added: “I’m thinking of signing up to their Patreon. Apparently you get uncut behind-the-scenes moments delivered direct to your inbox.”

Though not revealed in the trailer, the bulk of the film is a debate between Superman and his cousin Supergirl about whether they have the right to condemn their people to extinction just because the thought of doing it gives them the ick.

Movie reviewer Tom Booker says: “Superman presents a strong argument for procreation, saying that ethically they owe their people the chance to live again, citing all the good he has done for humanity and which their descendants could further.

“Kara replies that what if mingling their related genetic material creates a monstrous superbaby, who would the next generation have kids with anyway, and also ew.

“Superman counters with their moral duty to provide Earth with protectors and says yes, they would need to do it the old-fashioned way because his super-sperm would shatter any test tube.

“She says what about Lois Lane and Superman says Lois doesn’t have to know. Then blows it completely by suggesting she could work up to it by giving him a handy.”

Fan Oliver O’Connor said: “Finally a relatable superhero film with conversations like those we’ve all had in real life.”

After almost 30 years off-screen, the intellectual property has been bought by a corporation who plan to strip-mine your rose-tinted childhood memories for whatever they can get.

A spokesman said: “What would make headlines and announce we’re bringing these characters into the 21st century? You got it, Wombles f**king.

“They already lived on Wimbledon Common, a notorious cruising spot, so Tobermory in a studded leather chest harness is a natural progression respecting the original stories. And Madame Cholet? You can’t call yourself that and not run a brothel.

“We’ll explore stories about littering, the environment, their sexual exploits on the Radio 1 Roadshows in the 1970s, gender, non-binary identities, gentrification and the plight of indigenous peoples. Something for everyone there.

“And the show will, of course, feature complicated continuity, spin-offs, references to barely remembered 70s episodes and the heartbreaking death of Great Uncle Orinoco. We think it’ll be as popular as the last two seasons of Doctor Who.”

The theme tune, a haunting downtempo minor-key rendition of Remember You’re a Womble by Ellie Goulding, has already been commissioned to soundtrack a teaser trailer released next week.

Fan Carolyn Ryan said: “I say ‘cockwomble’ on social media a lot. If they get that in there I’ll turn it into a meme.”

At Home With The Furys

Tyson Fury isn’t just a mountainous thug – he’s a mountainous thug who has a family and mental health. Consequently his Netflix series is full of tear-jerking, relatable moments that are definitely off-the-cuff, and not the result of a cowering director requesting Tyson try that again, maybe with less swearing at his kids. All of whom are called Prince.

Married At First Sight

You can’t fake drama like this. It would have surely been impossible for production to predict that the bloke who came in saying his type is ‘a blonde bombshell’ would cheat on his wife of three weeks with the self-proclaimed blonde bombshell who just arrived at the dinner party. No, you can’t fake it, though you can hide certain legally actionable details.

The Only Way Is Essex

If there’s one characteristic that unites the fake-tanned, fake-nailed, boob-jobbed and Botoxed residents of Essex, it’s keeping it real. None of them can tolerate falsity in any form, which is why its stars would never allow any kind of scriptwriting and come up with every single one of those memorable lines themselves, like vajazzled Oscar Wildes.

(Keeping Up With) The Kardashians

There is no way you could keep a series on air for 18 years, with multiple spin-offs, if it was scripted. Wouldn’t you end up just re-using the same old pregnancy scares, cheating scandals and fish-out-of-water moments, but with different cast members? That’s why everything about the Kardashians must be true to life.

Made in Chelsea

What’s happening between BooBoo and Chumley is absolutely real, so don’t be fooled by their impeccable make-up and the obvious continuity errors. Posh people are just better than you, and that’s why their big, dramatic confrontations always happen while sitting calmly in a well-lit ski chalet and not while horribly geeked in a nightclub toilet.