Jackson Unveils ‘Blaxsploitation’ Hobbit

PETER Jackson’s latest Tolkien blockbuster will portray Bilbo Baggins as a black hobbit hustler who needs to score some serious treasure to pay off his debts.

Or a blacked-up Martin Freeman. Whatever works.

Boss Hobbit will explore the perceived whiteness of Middle Earth by infusing Tolkien’s vision with the sensibility of 70s black action cinema.

Jackson said: “Our story starts when Bilbo’s just gotten out of Middle Earth state pen.

“He’s broke, his girls are working for rival hobbit pimps and his nightclub, Bilbo’s Velvet Hole, has fallen into the hands of the evil arch-hustler Saru the Man.

“Then he discovers a treasure map giving directions to the lair of Smaug D Ragon. That’s a big moment, when he looks at the camera and says ‘Bilbo’s gonna get his, muthafucka’ and some slap bass kicks in.

“From there it’s pretty much non-stop action, with busty elves, enchanted machine guns and all that other good shit we’ve come to expect from the mind of the world’s greatest fantasy writer.”

He added: “In case you were wondering, I am one of those white nerds who reads film magazines and occasionally risks doing a ‘black voice’ for ironic effect, if there are no black people around.”

Boss Hobbit will portray Gollum as a lone albino karate expert, while the Gandalf will be re-imagined as Hamburger, the wise magical pimp.

Film critic, Emma Bradford, said: “If only Gary Coleman was still alive.”