Arts & Entertainment

Chris Evans loses the 500,000 people who actually listened to his show

THE audience for Chris Evans’ Radio 2 breakfast show has fallen by the exact number of people who paid to attention to it, it has emerged.

I despise cooking and all who attempt it, reveals Mary Berry

MARY Berry has launched her new show Britain’s Best Cooks by admitting she despises cooking and loathes anyone who even attempts it.

Britain remains hopelessly divided over Tiswas and Swap Shop

THE middle-aged are still, 35 years after both programmes concluded, divided into opposing camps of kids who watched Tiswas and kids who watched Multi-Coloured Swap Shop.

Banksy voted the worst chocolate box bullshit

AN ARTWORK by Banksy has been voted the worst kind of bullshit that your middle-class auntie has on coasters.

British person not excited by new TV show about baking

A BRITISH human being is not counting down the days until the start of a show about cakes.

Millennials need to grow up and get over Harry Potter, says 46-year-old with Stormtrooper helmet

A MIDDLE-AGED bank manager who owns a replica Stormtrooper helmet has called millennials still into Harry Potter ‘pathetic’.

Christ, that bloke off Casualty gets shitloads, says Britain

THE UK had no idea that him off Casualty, the one who’s been in it for years, took it home in a f**king wheelbarrow.

Channel 5 reveals salaries of both its staff

CHANNEL Five has revealed the salaries of the woman who chooses the programmes and the man who pixelates the breasts.

BBC stars should be paid between no more than £38,000, confirm licence payers

TOP BBC stars should be earning between £25,000 and £38,000 a year, on a sliding scale, licence payers have agreed.

Ed Sheeran trapped in Westeros

ED Sheeran is now a Game of Thrones character and unable to return to the real world, the show’s producers have confirmed.

Desperate Tories taking copious notes during Game of Thrones

SENIOR Tories have been watching Game of Thrones for tips on how they can make things worse, it has been confirmed.

Man who can’t get Radio 4 invites patronising posh friend over

A RADIO 4 listener whose radio suddenly died was able to recreate the experience by getting a talkative posh friend to come round.