Arts & Entertainment

Is your song bland enough for Radio 2?

SONGS aiming for the lucrative Radio 2 playlist have to be bland enough to offend no-one while remaining just about memorable. Here’s how to make your ditty dull enough to soar.

There will never be a ginger Bond, confirm producers

PRODUCERS of the James Bond franchise have confirmed that there will never be a ginger Bond for as long as they have any say in the matter.

Man unable to stop watching TV show he hates

A MAN who has grown to hate a TV show refuses to miss a single episode, it has emerged.

Honestly it's nothing to do with that f**khead Hollywood, says Toksvig

SANDI Toksvig has denied that her departure from The Great British Bake Off was anything to do with ‘that preening w*nkshaft Paul Hollywood’. 

The must-read sh*te children's books for 2020

WHAT dreadful books lie in wait in children’s schoolbags this year?

Festival of Brexit cancelled due to everything about it

A FESTIVAL to promote Brexit has been cancelled because it was an incredibly terrible idea on every level, the organisers have revealed.

Meghan to write self-help book about nightmare in-laws

THE Duchess of Sussex’s first financial venture will be a self-help book focused on co-existing with nightmare in-laws.

Book with biggest impact on man's life is microwave user manual

A MAN has confirmed that the book which changed his life forever is the user manual for his microwave oven.

'Christmas telly' is not a thing, young people confirm

YOUNG people have confirmed that Christmas telly is not a thing and they do not understand why their parents think it is.

Watching 'Elf' make everything better

ELF film and booze make everything  nice, thinks tired Britain.

Robbie Williams decides it's the time of year for your nan to give him £15

ROBBIE Williams wants your nan to give him £15 for an album he took no pleasure in making and she will get no pleasure from listening to.

Taylor Swift to headline Glastonbury with Jacob Rees-Mogg

THE Glastonbury Festival has confirmed its 2020 headliners are Taylor Swift and Leader of the House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg.