Arts & Entertainment

'What's she been in?' man asks for the duration of whole f**king film

A MAN ruined a film by wondering where he had seen the female lead before for the entirety of its running time.

Five Spotify playlists so shit they will make your partner leave you

ARE you such an annoying twat that you’ve made a playlist of canine-related tunes for your dog? Set up these five to end up alone:

Five reasons why Batman movies can f**k off 

ANOTHER Batman film is on the way, as if we hadn’t had our fill of the moody pointy-eared bastard. Here’s why he should be given a rest.

Only place in London you can shag a stranger is Strictly

THE only location in London where you can have casual sex with a member of a different household is now Strictly Come Dancing.

The BBC's guide to enabling bellends

ARE you a broadcaster who feels the need to support blustering bellends then can’t understand why they turn on you? Here’s how the BBC keeps doing it.

My favourite Disney moments, by Priti Patel

AS home secretary, I detest everyone in Britain. But I love Disney because for every sad moment like Scar being thrown to hyenas there’s a happy one, like Bambi’s mum being shot.

Left-wing masturbators accept challenge of Gillian Anderson as Margaret Thatcher

LEFT-WING masturbators have accepted the gauntlet thrown down when Gillian Anderson was cast as Margaret Thatcher, they have confirmed.

Memories of brilliant 90s album ruined by listening to it

A MIDDLE-AGED man who decided to treat himself to a listen to his favourite 90s album has discovered it is unlistenable, whiny shit.

Six films to make you count your blessings about lockdown, or whatever

LOCKDOWN 2 is here, promising to be as good as Ghostbusters 2. These six movies should make you realise being stuck at home again isn’t so bad.

Why Bake Off is all that stands between me and full mental breakdown

IF I had been told, back when this started, that in September I’d be looking at another six months of this shit, I’d have choked myself to death on my own freshly-baked banana bread.

Couple fondly remembers when they used to have sex because there was nothing on telly

A MIDDLE AGED couple have wistfully remembered the times when they used to be able to have sex because there was nothing to watch on telly.

Five not-at-all racist or sexist reasons why gammons can't stand Alex Scott

WITH former England footballer and TV presenter Alex Scott set to take over from Sue Barker on A Question Of Sport, our panel of gammons explain why she’s the wrong choice.