Arts & Entertainment

What toss is it this year at the Mercury Music Prize?

IT’S that time of year when musos gather to prove who’s got the oddest and therefore best taste in music with the Mercury Music Prize. Here’s the shortlist.

Man who just wants more people to read books furious about the books they’re reading

A MAN who thinks people should read more is absolutely horrified with everyone's choice of reading.

Time-travelling smartarse 'is terrible role model for children'

DOCTOR Who is a totally unrealistic and quite annoying role model for children, parents have realised.

I know how you feel Boris, by Mr Blobby

DEAR Boris, I too am a bulbous pink figure with a toothy grin who went from media darling to widely despised irritant.

England fan jailed for writing shit football song

AN ENGLAND fan has been jailed for writing a song called Ball of Victory.

13-year-old grounded for creating Love Island

THE 13-year-old who created ITV2’s Love Island has been grounded indefinitely by his parents.

Film ponce disgusted by people enjoying normal film at normal cinema

A FILM studies graduate cannot believe cinemagoers simply enjoyed a film that was  entertaining and fun without being an intellectual twat about it.

Woman furious with boyfriend over behaviour of bloke on Love Island

A WOMAN is disgusted her boyfriend would behave like the men on Love Island, which he would because he is a representative of his gender.

Five books to pretend to read while thinking about how clever you look holding a book

READING a book in a cafe, on the Tube or at the wheel of your car makes you look wise and mysterious, even if you’re just posing and not taking in a word.  

Beyonce and Jay-Z release album about when she left the bath running and it ruined the kitchen ceiling

BEYONCE and Jay-Z have released a joint album about that time she left the bath running and it overflowed through the kitchen ceiling. 

Man at front of gig screaming for song that band definitely going to play anyway

A MAN has stood at the very front of a concert shouting for the band’s biggest song even though they're fucking obviously going to play it at some point anyway.

Teenager trapped in dad band jam session

A TEENAGER who thought he was just going around to see his friend has ended up trapped in a dad band jam session that may never end.