Arts & Entertainment

Song Everyone Pretends To Understand Is Christmas Number One

THE incredibly moving song that everyone pretends to understand has topped the Christmas pop charts.

Sky To Broadcast In Three Dimensions Of Awfulness

SKY is to add an extra dimension of awfulness to its television output with the launch of 3D TV, it announced last night.

Blur To Remind Everyone Why They Split Up

BLUR are to remind everyone why they split up at a one-off gig in London next summer.

Cheryl Cole To Watch Children Cry

GIRLS Aloud singer Cheryl Cole is to star in a new ITV prime-time show where she stares at children while they burst into tears.

I'm A Celebrity To Drop Bushtucker Challenge And Just Go With The Titties

ITV show I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here is to drop its team challenge rounds so that it can focus on lots of wet tits.

Beatles Made Awful Crap Before Yoko, Reveals Mccartney

SIR Paul McCartney last night revealed the Beatles were churning out drug induced bollocks at least 18 months before John Lennon got together with Yoko Ono.

BBC Presenter Sacked For Not Using A Coaster

THE BBC has sacked a local radio presenter for not using a coaster in her own home.

Fuck This, Says Attenborough

SIR David Attenborough said 'fuck this' last night after Strictly Come Dancing became the most popular television programme in the world.

Gary Glitter Songs To Be Electronically Tagged

ALL Gary Glitter songs are to be electronically tagged and made to sign the sex offenders' register.

Horror As BT Couple Re-Establish Contact

BRITAIN recoiled in horror last night as the BT broadband couple took their first tentative steps towards reconciliation.

BBC Unveils Lavish Adaptation Of The Taunting Of Andrew Sachs

THE BBC last night re-established its reputation for quality programming as it unveiled a lavish multi-million pound drama based on the taunting of Andrew Sachs.

BBC Slammed For Inter-Racial Pasa Doble

THE BBC is under fire for defiling the white race and encouraging intimacy with people of colour.