Arts & Entertainment

All Right - It's Shit, Queen Tells Top Poet

THE Queen last night gave in to demands to offer her opinion on the work of the Poet Laureate, telling him it was 'third-rate bollocks'.

Dubstep Old Hat As Fans Embrace Bumfunking

DUBSTEP pioneer Burial shocked the music world last night as he announced he was abandoning the genre that made his name for the rival style of Bumfunking.

Diana Film Not About Diana Obviously About Diana

A FILM about Princess Diana that the film-makers say is not about Princess Diana is obviously about Princess Diana, cinemagoers said last night.

Aaron Sorkin To Write Film About Norwich Union

WEST Wing creator Aaron Sorkin is to make a feature-length movie about insurance giant Norwich Union. 

Nun Lovers Devastated

THE hopes of nun fans across the world were shattered last night after the cancellation of the first ever nun beauty contest.

Brown To Appear In Hilarious Recession Video

GORDON Brown has begun his political fightback by appearing in a hilarious video about Britain's looming economic collapse.

Paxman Grows Weary Of Testicles

NEWSNIGHT presenter Jeremy Paxman last night admitted he had grown weary of his testicles and would like them to be removed by a Scotsman.

West Applauds China's Treatment Of Ugly Child

CHINA was last night congratulated for its adoption of western values after banning an ugly child from appearing on television. 

Sky Unveils New Method For Mingling Sub-Standard Genetic Material

CILLA BLACK, the nation's matchmaker, is to return to our screens with a radical new format for the co-mingling of sub-standard genetic material. 

BBC News To Ban All Numbers Higher Than Nine

THE BBC is to ban the use of any number higher than nine from its television and radio news bulletins, the Corporation said last night. 

Everyone Pretending To Have Read The Gulag Archipelago

A RECORD number of people were last night claiming to have read The Gulag Archipelago by Alexander Solzhenitsyn.

BBC Licence Payers Fined £400,000

LICENCE fee payers have been fined a record £400,000 by Ofcom for allowing the BBC to con them with a series of fake phone-in competitions.