Arts & Entertainment

Britain Absolutely Cannot Wait To See 'Mamma Mia'

BRITAIN was absolutely bursting with excitement last night at the prospect of going to see Mamma Mia this weekend.

Four Weddings Is Best British Film Ever, Say Arseholes

The Hugh Grant movie Four Weddings and a Funeral has been voted the best British film of all time by a bunch of arseholes.

Hollywood Actors Pretend To Go On Strike

HOLLYWOOD could grind to a halt this week after some of the world's biggest stars threatened to pretend to go on strike.

Big Brother Contestants To Get More Bananas And A Rope Swing

BIG Brother contestants are to be given more bananas and a tyre on a rope, Channel 4 said last night.

Television To Be Controlled By 200 Latent Homosexuals

ALL programmes and adverts shown on British television will have to be approved by a committee of 200 latent homosexuals, it was confirmed last night.

Striptease Ad Should Have Been Shown After Work, Say Angry Viewers

THOUSANDS of viewers have contacted the advertising standards watchdog demanding a controversial striptease ad be shown the minute they get home from work.

Knighthoods For Entire Cast Of 'Heartbeat'

THE cast of Yorkshire police drama Heartbeat has topped the bill in this year's Queen's Birthday honours list.

Guy Ritchie To Make Worst Sherlock Holmes Film Ever

GUY Ritchie is to write and direct the worst Sherlock Holmes film in the history of cinema, Warner Bros confirmed last night.

First Apprentice To Sell An Emailer Wins, Says Sugar

THE first contestant who manages to sell an Amstrad Emailer will win The Apprentice, Sir Alan Sugar said last night.

Big Brother Unveils All-Vegetable House

THE producers of Big Brother have once again resisted calls to introduce humans into the house, sticking with the all-vegetable format for the ninth year in a row.

BBC Stars 'Obviously Paid Too Much'

ANY moron can see that Jonathan Ross and Chris Moyles are paid far, far too much, according to a major review of BBC salaries.

Abramovich Buys Big Fat Woman From Painting

RUSSIAN billionaire Roman Abramovich has paid £2 million for the great big fat woman in the painting by Lucien Freud he bought last week.