Arts & Entertainment

Porn Fans Terrified By Gigantic Plasma Cocks

GIANT plasma screens have been declared unsuitable for watching pornography after an increase in the number of people traumatised by gigantic cocks.

Public Not Aware Simply Red Was A Band

A GINGER tit is to carry on singing despite announcing he was splitting up a band which everyone thought was just him anyway.

Illegal Downloads Force Record Company Bosses To Use Street Drugs

THE growth in illegal music downloading is forcing desperate record company executives to buy less glamorous narcotics, the Daily Mash has learned.

Mona Lisa Was Eating A Sausage

LEONARDO da Vinci’s Mona Lisa was eating a sausage, a new digital scan of the famous painting has revealed.

Terminator Was So Gay, Reveals Schwarzenegger

THE indestructible robot assassin from the future, portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger, was tormented by his sexuality and the lost love of his youth, it has been revealed.

Most BBC News Now About The BBC

THE majority of the news output from the BBC is now about the BBC, according to a new BBC report.

Booker Prize Goes To Thrilling Page-Turner About The Intangible Nature Of Loss

ANNE Enright has won Britain's most prestigious literary award for her latest rollercoaster thrill-ride of a novel about some Irish people having a big talk about this and that. 

'My Tate Crack Hell'

A TOURIST who spent 53 hours trapped inside the huge crack in the floor of the Tate Gallery has described the moment he knew he wanted to die.

Kids Demand TV Shows They Can Bore The Shit Out Of Each Other With In 30 Years Time

BRITISH children have stepped up their demands for television programmes they will be able to bore each other with at dinner parties.

All ITV Shows To Be Based On Google Search Terms

ALL future ITV shows are to be based on popular Google search terms following the huge success of last night’s new primetime drama Billie Piper Dressed as a Whore.

Hay Wain Arrested In Naked Horse Furore

CONSTABLE'S masterpiece The Hay Wain has been arrested in central London amid claims of nude horse exploitation.

BBC2 Unveils Plans For 'Nigella Lawson Eats A Banana'

TV food fans were celebrating last night after the BBC confirmed plans for a new series of Nigella Lawson Eats a Banana.