Satan launches Moshi Familiars website

THE devil has set up a new website hoping to lure vulnerable six to 12 year-olds into the world of imp ownership.

'Vestri matris est a meretricis' is a Satan-owned demon adoption website for pre-teens, connecting youngsters with real malignant sprites that actually exist in Hell.

Familiars in need of homes include Charmion, which resembles a monkey with an owl’s face but can hiss obscenities in Latin, and Gillfray, a hermaphroditic Spaniel-reptile hybrid with 436 nipples.

Satan said: “The immense popularity of the Moshi Monsters brand has proven that kids have a real passion for nurturing demonic entities.

“Hence we’ve taken the ‘Moshi’ name – I can just do that without legal issues because as the Lord of Flies I have dominion over all lawyers – and built a website that allows youngsters to adopt a personal familiar from the inner circles of Hell.

“As the children feed them by dripping chicken’s blood onto their monitors, the demons grow in strength until they are finally able to manifest in the real world.

“Once the Moshi Familiar has assumed corporeal form it can help with homework, cause teachers to levitate, kill parents, whatever.”

If the venture is successful, Satan, who also owns every bingo website, numerous porn sites and a Wesley Snipes fan page, plans to move his main base of operations from Hades to a cool open plan warehouse space in Shoreditch.