Banks to be broken up into kittens

ROYAL Bank of Scotland, Lloyds and Northern Rock are to be broken up into lovely little kittens that would not hurt a fly, it emerged last night.

TSB in about three years

Chancellor Alistair Darling claimed the new banks would be unbelievably cute and fluffy with big round eyes and could spend all day just rolling around on the living room floor with a ball of wool.

Mr Darling said: “These are going to be the sort of banks that will clamber all over you and tug at your jumper in the most irresistible way.

“They’ll pursue a lending policy based on cuddly-wuddlyness and each new current account will come with cheeky little whiskers and a tiny pink nose.”

He added: “Ooooooooh. I really want to keep one.”

City analysts admitted the new banks did sound as if they were going to be absolutely adorable, especially if they end up being owned by Richard Branson or Tesco.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: “These sound like the sort of banks that everyone will just love and in return they’ll love everyone back, twice as much.

“They certainly don’t sound like the sort of banks that will leave you half-dead and then toy with you in a sickeningly callous way until they get bored and snap your neck.”