Bonuses No Longer Linked To Being Good At Things

BONUSES should no longer be awarded simply on the basis of doing something properly, it was claimed last night.

The 'Investors in People - Striving for Excellence' scheme provides a range of non performance-based incentives for this shower of twats

As senior staff at the UK Border Agency shared £300,000 for dismantling the UK’s borders, experts said Britain had now developed a modern bonus culture which recognised the commitment of those who clearly have no idea what they are doing.

Helen Archer, director of the Royal College of Human Resources, said: “Until recently bonuses were limited to successful people who were good at stuff in what was obviously a deliberate and cynical attempt to keep money away from halfwits.

“Thankfully the train companies challenged this stale, 19th century mindset by giving millions of pounds to all those brave executives who somehow made rail travel in this country even worse.

“Meanwhile the civil service has blazed a trail with the innovative practice of setting bonus targets that are impossible to miss, even if you’ve been trampled by a horse.

“Bankers, on the other hand, seem to get bonuses for losing money and bonuses for making money, so we reckon the whole system may have been set up for the sole purpose of giving John Prescott a stroke.”

Archer added: “I myself was awarded a £25,000 bonus last year after I accidentally set fire to my office chair with a home-made flamethrower and subsequently burned our headquarters to the ground.

“I have to admit, the fact that only 57 people were hospitalised with smoke inhalation and horrific third degree burns did count in my favour.”