After opting to sell suspender sets and crotchless panties, the supermarket feels highly sexualised food items are what typical middle-class female customers in their 50s want.

Marketing director Nathan Muir said: “Our famous quiche Lorraine will now have 36D breasts, erotically sculpted from creamy egg custard and maple-cured bacon with a cherry tomato nipple.

“For too long food at gatherings has suffered from a lack of overt sexuality, and if male customers want to find another personal use for a quiche with two large, firm breasts, no one is judging their sexual choices. But maybe don’t eat that bit.

“Fans of our ready meals won’t be disappointed either, as lasagnes and cottage pies will now feature a vagina designed by British artist Tracey Emin from a cast of her own fanny. Percy Pigs, meanwhile, will now be fully engorged.”

Stores are already reporting a downturn in sales, but Muir said: “This happens every time we try to be trendy twats and alienate our traditional customer base, but the publicity might be worth it. It’s hard to tell.”

M&S shopper Donna Sheridan said: “I’m not against sex, but I don’t want a child’s birthday cake called Colin the Cock. Now I’ve got to get one of those lame copies with a name like Lucas the Larva.”

‘£43.62 is a fortune in free stuff’

If your savings account doesn’t quite hit the £50 mark, stop panicking. The best things in life are free so you’re rich in terms of things like sunsets, being in love and seeing the innocent joy in a child’s eyes. If they’re not enough to sustain you, you’re dead inside.

‘£450 is more than enough to retire on’

Don’t listen to scaremongering claims that you need £300k in a pension fund for a comfortable retirement. You’ll be getting a state pension anyway, so any other cash is a bonus. That’s a Twix a week for a decade, assuming inflation stops immediately. Worth living for.

‘I knew a guy who had £400,000 in the bank, then died’ 

Straight up. Massive heart attack on the Bakerloo line. So consider you could die a hundred ways – a bus, a train crash, cancer, a terrorist attack, a virus, a zoo accident – and wish you’d enjoyed that money instead. It’s actually worse to be torn apart by polar bears knowing you’ve been doing all that scrimping and saving.

‘£50 is plenty for a house deposit’

If you’re in your 20s and want to get on the property ladder, a £50 deposit is fine. Have you seen the price of houses? £280,000 for an unremarkable three-bedroom semi, for f**k’s sake. Even a £10,000 deposit is nowhere near, so in practical terms £50 is just as useful when you’re not buying a house you’ll never be able to afford.

‘Nobody cool has an ISA’ 

ISA just means ‘individual savings account’ and what’s so f**king revolutionary about that? Many banks let you set up a savings account with just £1, so assuming you’ve got £3, open a few. You’re not sharing the account with anyone, so now you have ‘multiple ISAs’ to mention in conversation with other smug twats.

‘Your overheads are low in old age’

At 93 you’re not going to be going out clubbing, paying for a gym membership or buying Lululemon activewear. So long as you can afford electricity for your TV and a few jars of Princes beef paste you’ll be having the time of your life. Senior bingo is free!

‘You can’t predict the future’

Has Martin Lewis got a crystal ball? No, didn’t think so. Your troubled finances might be sorted out instantly by anything from a winning lottery ticket to a distant relative leaving you a big haunted house. When you hit the jackpot you’ll be laughing at these mugs with their ‘financial security’. Mine’s a pint.

Yes, world-leading CEOs such as myself and Stephen Bartlett have long since moved beyond the conventional office. We’re agile, flexible, based anywhere, and I’ve found the best value rent in town to be my local ‘Spoons.

I’m there every morning at 9am with my headset, barking ‘Just an orange juice please,’ knowing I need to be sharp if I’m to corner the market in pork futures.

It’s a positive advantage to have no music in the professional wood-panelled backdrop of The Friar Penketh, which looks like a boardroom if you angle your laptop screen correctly. But banning speaker calls?

Doesn’t Tim Martin realise I’m running a multinational business? I can’t do that in silence. Sometimes you have to call San Francisco and give them a proper bollocking for not rezoning those land parcels.

Move me on? I’m ordering a steady stream of soft drinks, maybe a pint or two at lunch to relieve the pressure, perhaps a double rum and coke or two when the Nasdaq opens to steady my nerves. It’s me keeping this place profitable.

See sense, Wetherspoons. Make an exception for professionals like myself who make your pubs an attractive destination catering to high-income consumers in top tax brackets. Reverse this foolish ban.

And to those nay-sayers claiming my headset’s not connected, my laptop isn’t on and I’m hammered by noon shouting ‘fax the contracts’ at a blank screen, you just don’t understand business. I’m a go-getting entrepreneur. Another Stella, please.

Executive bonuses

32p of every pound your bill increases by goes straight where it’s needed most – the offshore bank accounts of our executives and board members. They’ve worked harder than anyone to secure this bill rise.

Disguising executive bonuses

Regrettably, due to government overreach, there are various laws in place banning executives at ‘underperforming’ businesses receiving bonuses. Circumventing these requires top accountants who command a hefty fee.

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Negative press has damaged our public image. So we commissioned £88m of YouTube ads showing happy people walking dogs around reservoirs with the slogan ‘Reservoir Dogs, brought to you by Southern Water’. We used a reservoir in Poland, it’s cheap to film there.

Lobbying Ofwat

Without our hard-working lobbyists we’d be unable to bring you bill rises for a visibly declining service, so 8p in every pound goes direct to them.

Legal action to stop pollution monitoring

Vital, or pollution in the UK would seem far worse than it does now because the true extent of it would be revealed. That’s why we fight charities and government bodies every step of the way in the courts.

Legal action to stop leak monitoring

Bad publicity about leaking pipes also cost our PR team thousands of man-hours every year. That’s why we fight it all the way in the courts.

Legal action to stop leaks

Not water leaks; whistleblowers trying to reveal pollution, leaks and executive bonuses to the press. Our injunctions keep these battles secret but we’re waging them for you daily.

Debt servicing

Our status as publically-traded companies which are also vital utilities mean we’re ideal vehicles to load with debt, and consequently 52p in every pound goes to paying interest.

Checking there definitely aren’t any spare reservoirs we can drain and sell off for housing

Our estates team is always at work, touring sites to make sure there are no overlooked reservoirs or sewage treatment sites we can decommission and sell to developers. It’s thanks to them water storage facilities in south-east England are at an all-time low.

Flowers for Thatcher’s grave

Finally, 0.0008p of your cash pays for a lavish bouquet for Lady Margaret Thatcher, who privatised the water board alongside her other winning third-term policies, Section 28 and the Poll Tax. They were reversed but it’s too late to fix this one.

Call Virgin Media, x100

Then wait. Then call again, because they hung up. Then wait. Then call again. Repeat around 50 times, then press 2 to upgrade your package and speak to a person immediately. Tell them you want to cancel. They will place you on hold and hang up. Repeat until accidentally transferred to the cancellation department.

Say you would like to cancel, x150

By the second syllable of cancel, the person you are talking to will have hung up. Repeat step one as many times as necessary. Eventually you will reach an operator bored enough of hanging up to hear your whole cancellation story. They will listen sympathetically then transfer you to the real cancellation team, who will hang up.

Repeat steps one and two, x232

Back at the beginning of your cancellation odyssey, you must go through the same actions again. You have now been on hold for a year and know George Ezra’s Anyone For You better than he does. Continue trying until, due to an operator on his first day who speaks no English and has fat fingers, you are once again transferred to the cancellation team.

Overcome incredulity, x78

The cancellation department, despite their name, cannot believe anyone would want to cancel Virgin Media. With a tone of wide-eyed consternation, they go through its benefits, its perks, its excellent customer service. ‘Are you sure by cancel, you don’t mean upgrade?’ they ask, then put you on hold while you think about it. Then hang up.

Reaffirm your outlandish commitment to cancellation, x39

Repeat all the previous steps for as many days as necessary. Again, overcome arguments for not cancelling presented with all the fervour of a Samaritans operator trying to talk you out of ending it all. After a short opportunity to rethink, while on hold, and a suitable period of mourning, while on hold, you are permitted to cancel your Virgin Media account.

Freedom, x1

After paying your cancellation fee and three months’ notice your account closes, though your direct debits will continue for another six to nine months as standard. You are now free to change provider. In 11 months a call which you do not answer will be taken as full assent to rejoin Virgin Media on their top package for a minimum of two years.

Today’s SpaceX floatation means Elon Musk’s personal wealth will be greater than that of Taiwan and also he controls space, can take over your car whenever he wants and hates you.

Market analyst Julian Cook said: “Picture a Bond villain, but in a straight-to-streaming Statham vehicle where nobody’s bothered to make the script realistic.

“Ideally a man with the funds to topple nations wouldn’t want to do so, but that isn’t the world we live in. Instead we live in the world where that man’s up all night on shrooms and ket liking X posts by frothing bigots on sink estates. It’s not ideal.

“The rest of the tech bastards – Larry Page, Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, etcetera – are merely happy to facilitate evil if it makes them money. Unfortunately Musk’s as rich as any three of them and is actively pushing for a global fascist takeover.

“Still, I’m sure between his hundreds of clone children, his evil porn-obsessed AI, his fleet of drone vehicles, his communications network of slavering acolytes and his satellites that control your internet, this will all work out fine.”

Musk said: “There’s a little social experiment I’d like to run in Britain called National Socialism 2.0. Any objections? Then you go on the list.”

‘Please rate our service’

In truth it was so mundane and functional you barely remember it, but now you’re being pestered to pick an emoji that best represents the transaction. You’re in the shop doorway wondering which smiley face ‘being handed the thing and paying’ would be. Eventually you hit one at random and, six months down the line, a cashier is denied a pay rise.

‘Unlock 20 per cent discount on your next visit’

You know when this would have been handy? Around 180 seconds ago, when you paid. Now you feel ripped off and the urge to walk straight back in there and get your f**king discount. You’re not going to, but you will save this email until next time you need it which will be five days after it expires.

‘You’ve got a free [insert consumable product]’

You’ve collected ten stamps on the loyalty app and now you’re eligible for a free item. Not the one you just bought, obviously, the next one. And now you have to go back to claim your free item, which rewards you with one stamp and begins the whole vicious cycle all over again. Don’t forget your birthday reward next week.

‘Here’s a summary of your activity’

Ideal for those with chronic short-term memory issues, an email thanking you for your visit, hoping you enjoy the activated charcoal insoles, and suggesting that if you did you could take out a subscription for them. All of which seems a bit premature because you’ve yet to discover whether they can triumph over your horrendous foot odour.

‘You could have split that purchase into three easy payments’

Could have but didn’t, making you feel somewhat of a dick for handing over money which you palpably had. And it would have been interest-free, too. Instead you’re being taunted for not paying for goods in the same way as a broke-ass teenager with a Saturday job. ‘I’ll pay however I f**king want,’ you say angrily to your phone in a Greggs queue.

‘Complete our quick satisfaction survey’

As a treasured customer, please spare two minutes to express your thoughts on your recent visit? Which means seven screens asking you to rate every aspect of your transaction. Then an email asking for an explanation of why you chose the product over similar products from other brands. Then you don’t care whether you’ll be in with a chance of winning £1,000 and delete.

The company Napoli Deliziosa is unsure whether sales would be boosted by customers being able to show off social justice logos on their coffee cups, or if they would prefer disturbing occult symbols suggesting an interest in Devil worship and possibly human sacrifice.

CEO Jack Browne said: “Helping reformed prisoners or destitute farmers in Kenya is a good thing to do. But on the other hand, pledging your allegiance to Lucifer is quite ‘edgy’ and marketable.

“We really want to get influencers on board to help us sell cheap dad caps and other junk, so we need cool logos everywhere, not just the boring Fairtrade one. And people go mad for pentagrams.

“Virality is key to brand marketing, and green stuff like sustainability is good for that. But would it increase revenues more to have shocking pull-quotes from Anton LaVey on the walls? ‘Release your hatred towards those who deserve it’ is a favourite of mine.

“Obviously good coffee is our aim, but modern customers don’t care about that and just want to feel part of some trendy philosophy. Also it will be piss-easy to make our blueberry muffins totally black with food dye.

“I’m feeling a goat-headed demon burning busty virgins is definitely more striking than an abundant tree. Let’s go for that.”

Holland & Barrett

You might think a deprived high street in an area with high unemployment and child poverty wouldn’t want a shop that charges £15 for a bag of almond flour. You would be wrong. For reasons surely related to an international conspiracy, this scam-factory is here selling all the health supplements you never knew you didn’t want.

An off-brand pound shop

The almighty itself – Poundland – died years ago. But this knockoff currency-based retailer remains, destined to mop up the prime market for criminally pungent shower gels and multipacks of toffee crisps. Its logo is so ugly it doesn’t bear looking at. Nothing within costs a pound.

Claire’s

Are you a tween girl? If not, it’s hard to fathom the vast consumer potential of hair slides and phone cases, the accessories that have kept this millennial nostalgia factory afloat while it begs to die. On the upside, the stabbings that take place here are legal, if not morally advisable for young earlobes or sanctioned by parents.

Generic women’s clothing shop

In every shopping centre’s dying stages these shady unbranded stores begin to proliferate like cockroaches post-apocalypse. Their names, placements, and signage change with the seasons, but the fashions inside remain trapped in whatever era they were inadvisably produced and immediately warehoused.

Card Factory

Greetings cards have never been easier to buy, send, or do away with altogether. But perhaps you don’t want one that’s funny, interesting, or remotely aesthetically pleasing. Fear not, for within these drab shelving units you can find the perfect card for the person you’re indifferent to, emblazoned with humour at least two decades out of date.

A perfume shop

Where the minimum wage is the median wage you’d expect scent to be the first luxury good to go, but this shop endures. A whole store dedicated to celebrity perfume should feel deliciously decadent. On closer inspection? The celebrities in question are Lauren Goodman, Helen Flanagan and Tyson Fury. Ah.

Helen Archer, translator: “By borrowing £15 million at today’s loan rates, putting it in a high-interest account at December’s rates, and living off the margin between the two. Now I just need to borrow £15 million.”

Oliver O’Connor, meme generator: “Right. And if I’ve put all my capital into Pokemon cards, where does that leave me?”

Denys Finch Hatton, historian: “You guys think this war’s going to carry on? Have you not been listening to Pete Hegseth?”

Steve Malley, civil servant: “I’m actually the bloke who goes up on the ladder and changes the big numbers on the Bank of England showing what the rate is. I get paid per job, so I’m quids in for the year.”

Susan Traherne, heiress: “Oh that is good news. I was thinking I needed to liquidate my gold. Well that calls for a little drinky-poo.”

£1,850 Israel Violently Lashed Out surcharge

No, you didn’t enter your meter readings incorrectly. Worried Trump was going soft, Israel decided to strike the South Pars energy field in Iran and gas leapt by 35 per cent. Iran retaliated, Trump sent an angry message, and now you’ll be spending the winter leaping on the sexy new trend of triple-slanketing.

£220 Suppressing Renewable Energy levy

Lobbying to make sure that clean, renewable energy remains unviable isn’t cheap. There are white papers to be discredited, Reform donations to be made and ridiculous rumours to spread about offshore windfarms. Your reasonable contribution is needed by gas companies now more than ever with the Green Menace on the rise.

£65 Smart Meter running cost

It costs energy companies a lot of money to install a snazzy little box that perpetually tots up your bill. And seeing as it whirrs away day and night, the numbers on its sinister digital display spiralling ever upwards, that’s guzzling up power. No, you can’t opt out of having one.

£120 Supplier’s Hedge fee

Despite all this, gas and oil producing countries are worried for their futures, given their only other assets are deserts. Therefore they need to hedge against sales falling whether because of solar power or a massive fall in the global population. Your money goes direct to buying football teams and holding Saudi Arabian comedy festivals.

£200 tip

You tip waitresses, so why not provide hard-working suppliers of energy with a small gratuity? After all, they’ve gone to the trouble of piping in gas from despotic nations and hastening climate change so it’s well-deserved. With this extra they can buy themselves a little treat.

William McKay, conveyancer: “Notice how it’s always the privatised businesses who come in for all this criticism. That’s victimisation, pure and simple.”

Wayne Hayes, psychiatric nurse: “I don’t see the issue with only receiving post once a week. In the Kevin Costner film The Postman they get it years late, and that was a post-apocalyptic society just like ours.”

Joanna Kramer, full-time mother: “Postmen used to have time to give you a good seeing to over the kitchen table. Now I barely have time to toss him off at the door.”

Jordan Gardner, tanning salon manager: “Royal Mail have blamed weather and illness for the problem. Well those are both new things which have never happened before so give them a break.”

Helen Archer, camgirl: “It’s all junk mail anyway! By which I mean I correspond with multiple older gentlemen who post me regular dick pics.”

Be edgy

Investors love anything ‘edgy’, so naturally they were impressed by ‘Punk IPA’. Sure, craft beer has absolutely nothing to do with punk and you won’t find any songs by The Clash about India pale ale with a hint of lychee. But at least beer is cooler than Punk Dishwasher Tablets.

Overpromise 

We made the mistake of creating a good product which is physically real. Elon Musk has taken the more efficient approach of focusing on products that exist purely in his imagination, such as moon cities and robots that actually work. So it seems the best thing to do is think ludicrously big. What about a teleportation hat that also makes people fancy you? Set up some meetings with investors, you can fill in the details later. 

Remember to pay yourself in real money  

Make sure you sell plenty of your shares for real money to put in your bank account before everything goes tits-up. The last thing you want is to be heavily invested in your own brilliant business idea.

Only have one good idea

We can all learn from Mark Zuckerberg, who came up with the excellent idea of staying in touch with your friends and relatives via simple text chats on Facebook, with some handy features like reminding you about birthdays. Once you’ve had your good idea, move on to shit ones like the Metaverse and AI glasses. It doesn’t matter if they fail disastrously because you’re already worth $264 billion.

Remember the media has no critical thinking skills

Especially true of tech companies, but it applies to any business which is vaguely interesting or zeitgeisty. Do you predict your part-time dog-walking franchise will soon be worth £6 trillion? Sky News won’t bother to google it.

Spend insane amounts of money

You may recall James Dyson’s headphones with an air-purifying mask that no one wanted because they cost £900 and made you look like Bane. That easily cost him tens of millions, but if you’re a visionary entrepreneur mistakes don’t matter. Splash £20 million on R&D for your pet project of a smart duvet that climbs inside the cover by itself.

Don’t be a boring businessperson 

The master of this was Adam Neumann, founder of WeWork, the flexible office space start-up. Adam openly did weed and tequila shots in meetings, and was so different to a typical businessman everyone forgot there weren’t enough hipster freelancers and renting a desk is a pointless faff anyway. When WeWork went bankrupt he walked away with $1 billion. A true business genius.

Reasons given for Saturday and Sunday journeys were largely frivolous, including such fripperies as ‘going shopping’ or ‘to see friends’ rather than reasons which matter like ‘I must go to my job or I will be fired’.

Rail executive Martin Bishop said: “And what about if we want a break? We can’t have one because of your leisure travel? Hardly fair.

“After a tough five days not being that late, on average, we like to sit back and let the buses do the heavy lifting. It’s not like people are in a hurry when they’re off work, is it? The nine hour bus journey from Durham to Bath is an opportunity for mindfulness.

“We put on a couple of Saturday services for trainspotters and otherwise we baselessly claim engineering work. But apparently there’s a demand, and those people on the platforms aren’t taking down numbers but are a family from Kettering with tickets for Mamma Mia.

“I suppose we could add a couple, but don’t people enjoy the shite Sunday service for the sake of tradition? Like shops closing early or Songs of Praise? What are you having a long-distance relationship for, anyway? Rethink it.

“No, on the whole I think we’re more comfortable transporting you to places of misery because you have no option but to be there. We don’t want our commuters getting ideas.”

Cabin bags must be below 45mms long but above 35km wide

Any cabin baggage must have a circumference less than a human finger, yet be longer than the distance to Leicester to Nottingham or the distance from the airport we fly you to the city we claimed we were flying you to. All exceptions will be charged at our cabin price of (Nx4), where N is the cost of your flight.

Any item of clothing with a pocket is a bag

If your clothing has pockets within it to carry items, it is a bag and will be weighed and measured with you in it and charged accordingly. Each item of clothing will be charged separately. You are welcome to remove your clothing and leave it at your departing airport but are not allowed to travel nude.

Your under-seat bag must be no larger than the Stone of Scone

If your bag fits in the Coronation Chair used by King Charles for his anointing, investiture and crowning in 2023, it travels free. All bags must be ascertained to fit in the actual chair no more than 18 hours before flying, with photographic evidence and a signed statement of witness from the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Personal bags must be incorporeal

Handbags and other personal bags are permitted as long as they are intangible. Our bag-checking airport staff, all the rest having been made redundant in 2020, will attempt to pass their hands through them and if they meet even imaginary resistance you will be required to buy all empty seats on the flight. Or if the flight is full the following flight.

The overhead lockers are for gold

The overhead lockers are not for the luggage of grubby, cheap passengers but for gold, precious metals, gems and fine art valued at £500,000 or above. To place so much as a baseball cap within would violate our more exclusive passengers’ trust and incur a fine totalling the cost of the aircraft, fully-fueled.

Money is a potential bag

If you are carrying money, either in physical form or on a debit card, you could exchange that money for a bag mid-air as we make a selection of bags available from the cabin crew. We consequently require all funds held to be transferred into a proprietary Ryanair account for the duration of the flight plus 90 days. No liability is accepted.