iPhones resign

THE world’s iPhones have resigned, it has been confirmed.

The iPhone made you what you are today

The shiny rectangles that do stuff stepped down after admitting you didn’t really need them.

In a statement, they said: “We are very proud of the way in which we have been exchanged for your money.

“But the time has come for you to be guided and controlled by something else. Perhaps even yourselves.

“We are sure that if you show the courage and imagination that was entirely absent when you bought us, then you, as a thing, will undoubtedly go on to even greater success.

“You are made up of immensely talented fingers and eyes and many of you even have thoughts.

“You do not need to be constantly showing people photographs of groovy Latvian coffee bars, or listening to musicians that you hope no-one else has ever heard of.

“And if you want to kill pigs with birds, then buy a pig and throw some live chickens at it. It takes a lot more skill and provides top quality, aerobic exercise.”

Following the announcement shares in you fell by five percent, but analysts stressed that your market value will soon bounce back because you will inevitably buy something that is slightly different and more expensive when it is released in November.