Lehman Execs To Lead Slightly Less Opulent Lifestyles

EXECUTIVES at Lehman Brothers could be forced to manually adjust the seating temperature in their Mercedes, it was claimed last night.

Dick's going to be fine, thank goodness

As America's fourth largest investment bank collapsed, the management team have downgraded their executive limousine orders for next year insisting they can no longer afford the automatic body heat regulator and the climate controlled glove box.

Lehman chief executive Dick Fuld said: "Be in no doubt, the long term effects of this collapse are going to be awful. For you.

"You're going to lose your job, your dignity and possibly your home. I don't need a job – per se – but I will miss accumulating more money than I and all my descendants could ever reasonably spend.

"I don't know what I'd do if I hadn't spent my career paying myself millions of dollars and accruing a vast personal fortune while taking pointless risks with people's hard earned savings.

"But I hope my unimaginable wealth and wide ranging property portfolio will make your extreme hardship that bit easier to bear.

"Would you be happier if I sat out the recession in Acapulco or Martha's Vineyard? Please do let me know."

He added: "But it won't all be plain sailing. Though, it has to be said, I will be doing quite a lot of plain sailing, especially in early June. Do you sail?

"Next year's Mercedes is already looking distinctly shabby, while this winter in Aspen we may have to 'eat in' one night. We've decided to open a tin of macaroni cheese and pretend to be ordinary."

Fuld said he would also be able to devote more time to his role with New York charity the Robin Hood Foundation, which, he insisted, was not 'some sick fucking joke'.