M&S Advert Offensive To Everyone

ADVERTISING watchdogs are to investigate claims that Marks and Spencer's Christmas advert is offensive to everyone.

Say what you like about Debenhams, but at least it doesn't think you're some kind of arsehole

As eight chubby feminists contacted the Advertising Standards Authority to complain about a nice looking girl in her underpants, millions of people across Britain insisted that was easily the least offensive part.

The ASA has now been inundated with complaints from angry viewers offended by Marks and Spencer's attempt to use Wallace and Gromit to manipulate them in the same way that Ardman Animations manipulates the plasticine faces of the inventor and his faithful dog.

Emma Bradford, from Stevenage, said: "I was offended by Stephen Fry using the word 'mince' and then giving a slightly saucy look to the camera. I'm not even remotely homophobic, I just thought 'he probably got at least fifty grand to come up with that tired old shite'."

Roy Hobbs, from Peterborough, said: "I was offended by the idea that Marks and Spencer thought I would say 'oh look, it's Joanna Lumley and Jennifer Saunders appearing on screen together outwith the context of Absolutely Fabulous, how utterly charming'. Piss off."

Nikki Hollis, from Doncaster, added: "I was offended by the ongoing pretence that Twiggy is a national treasure who makes Stephen Hawking look like an underachieving waste of space. But not as offended as I was by James Nesbitt assuming that my gran would buy me a jumper. For your information last Christmas my gran got me the boxed set of Californication. We watched it together."

Nathan Muir, from York, told the ASA: "I was offended by Mylene Klass in a heavy overcoat after months of being led to believe by Marks and Spencer that she prances about in nothing but skimpy swimsuits and lacy thongs."

Meanwhile Bill McKay, from Newcastle, said: "I was offended by the idea that because I watched Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes you think I'm shallow and stupid enough to buy things from you because you got the actor who plays Gene Hunt to be all 'Gene Hunt' in your advert. 'Oooh look, it's Gene Hunt, I hope he says something a bit old fashioned and inappropriate'. Pricks."

And Tom Logan, from Edinburgh, said: "Overall I'm offended by the idea that Marks and Spencer think that somehow they are woven into the fabric of British life like a nice cup of tea or a couple of pints and a game of darts down the local, when all they actually are is a great big fucking shop run by people who lie awake all night thinking about how to get their grubby little hands on my money."

He added: "Here's an idea for an advert – what do you fucking sell and what does it fucking cost?"