Nothing Can Possibly Go Wrong With Gigantic New Bank

HBOS and Lloyds TSB last night created a monstrous new banking entity safe in the knowledge that nothing can possibly go wrong.

Titanic has been sailing between Southampton and New York for more than 90 years

Politicians and businessmen breathed a collective sigh of relief as two of the biggest names on the high street formed one very long name that will never do anything other than be brilliant all the time.

Martin Bishop, a senior trader at Madeley Finnegan, said: "History tells us that massive financial institutions do not fail. Ever. Okay, there is maybe a tiny handful of exceptions.

"Okay, maybe 40 or 50 exceptions. Actually, you're right, this is starting to look really dodgy. If you'll excuse me, I have to start selling the shit out of Lloyds TSB."

As shares in the new banking giant plummeted, the government came under renewed pressure to stop people wanting lots of money.

A Treasury spokesman said: "We've devised a regulatory framework that will effectively ban greed and no-one will ever be able to find a way round it. At least for the first six months. Probably."

Meanwhile Downing Street sources let it be known the prime minister played a key part in securing the deal which will put 40,000 people out of work.