Business

Capitalists warn houses may become affordable to ordinary people

ECONOMISTS have warned Britain faces a doomsday scenario in which ordinary people on average wages would be able to buy their own homes.

Tesco launches pre-binned bagged salad

TESCO has launched a range of bagged salads that come already in a bin to save customers throwing them away.

Worker gets massive bollocking while seated on a bean bag

A MANAGER has bollocked a team member in the laid-back surroundings of their office’s chill-out area.

Tory donors remind May they will hire as many immigrants as they f**king well feel like

THE wealthy industrialists who fund the Conservative Party have reminded Theresa May that they are in charge of Britain’s immigration policy.

Every middle-class shopper has different list of things Aldi is good for

EVERY middle-class family believes Aldi is great for certain products but no two lists are the same, researchers have found.

McDonald's identifies potentially lucrative 'bereaved kid' demographic

A MCDONALD'S marketing meeting has decided that bereaved children will probably want some burgers.

Unpopular pub thrilled to be changing hands again

AN unsuccessful pub is sure that its fourth landlord in eight years will finally make everyone like it again.

I am never flying Ryanair again, declares woman for 13th time

A WOMAN has sworn she will never again travel with Ryanair, having sworn the same thing on 12 previous occasions.

Up-itself boutique gives final warning to friendly, helpful sales assistant

A SALES assistant who does not judge her customers has been given a final warning by a pretentious clothes shop.

Depraved animal doesn’t hope email recipient is well

A PSYCHOPATHIC monster has sent an email to a co-worker without expressing hope for their well-being.

We charge ‘bloody difficult’ people double, confirm tradesmen

ELECTRICIANS, plumbers and car mechanics have confirmed that if customers are ‘bloody difficult’ they pay at least twice as much.