Business
North threatened by closure of essay mills
THE great essay mills of Northern Britain, which cover the country from Blackpool to Middlesbrough churning out dissertations, may have to close.
You can claim compensation as soon as you run our maze of death, says Ryanair
RYANAIR has promised passengers that they will receive generous compensation and replacement flights once they run its maze of death.
Biscuits violently prejudiced against Jaffa Cakes
BISCUITS have responded triumphantly to the news that packets of the hated Jaffa Cakes will now be smaller.
Left-wing Londoner pretending to be pleased about Uber ban
A GUARDIAN-reading Londoner is hailing the Uber ban as a victory for worker’s rights despite being secretly pissed off.
New dating app launched for Remainers incapable of discussing anything else
OBSESSIVE Remain voters who have lost the ability to think about any other topic now have their own dating app.
Black cab drivers to revel in victory over Uber for centuries to come
LONDON drivers have already started to relate to their passengers the Great Saga of the Black Cabs’ Triumph over Uber which will be told for centuries to come.
We are cruising at 36,000ft and I hate these bastards even more than you do, announces Ryanair pilot
THE pilot of a Ryanair flight has announced that the plane is cruising at 36,000ft, that skies are clear all the way to Madrid, and that he hates his employer more than you ever could.
42-year-old realises teenage babysitting gig was best job she’ll ever have
A 42-YEAR-OLD woman has realised that her cash-in-hand babysitting job 28 years ago, where she was paid for watching telly and eating crisps, was her career high.
Best laid plans of mice and men 'f**ked up by Ryanair'
THE classic Rabbie Burns poem about the ‘best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men’ has been amended to make it clear that it is Ryanair that ruins them.
Ryanair cancellations 'act of kindness in many ways'
FLIGHT cancellations mean that thousands will be spared the ordeal of travelling with Ryanair, it has emerged.
Bus company announces plan to do its job properly
A BUS company has unveiled a radical new approach that involves buses running vaguely on time.
Successful team building weekend focuses on how much everyone hates company
A TEAM-BUILDING weekend has succeeded because it focused on workers’ shared loathing of their employer.