Sainsbury’s-Asda merger ‘could show middle-class shoppers the futility of their pathetic aspirations’

Business

MARY Portas has been filmed desperately attempting to resuscitate a dying branch of Warren James jewellers in Margate high street.

A MAN leaving a shop without paying for a Snickers has explained that, thanks to a network of complex offshore arrangements, it is perfectly legal.

INTEREST rates have gone up 0.25 per cent according to the Bank of England and 3.5 per cent according to your mortgage provider.

AN ICE cream van is still driving round like it’s not nearly the end of f**king October.

PARENTS resentful about Halloween have been reminded it is the only thing standing between them and full-on Christmas.

BRITAIN’S economy is almost entirely based on paintball, according to new figures.

A CITY centre cash machine is expecting gratitude and thanks for not charging users £1.50 a time to take out their own money.

A LONDONER visiting a Costa Coffee in Stoke-on-Trent cannot understand where all the laptops have gone.

A HIGH level of cocaine use in upmarket restaurants may explain why the dishes all sound idiotic and the prices are insane, it has been claimed.

THE great essay mills of Northern Britain, which cover the country from Blackpool to Middlesbrough churning out dissertations, may have to close.

RYANAIR has promised passengers that they will receive generous compensation and replacement flights once they run its maze of death.

BISCUITS have responded triumphantly to the news that packets of the hated Jaffa Cakes will now be smaller.